Following my heart....

[ValerieA]

Hi, Don and Pink. Thank you for your visits!

Don ~

Would I have been prepared to see B if H called like he said he would? Hmmm....that depends. If H called and said that he'd be over in about 30 minutes, yes I would've been ready for that. It would've given me time to get myself and S1 ready to go somewhere so that I could just say "hi" and "bye" as I was coming or going. I wasn't feeling well that morning either, remember? Not that that's an excuse or anything for my mood. I just mean that I wasn't dressed and ready to leave the house when they showed up.

But if H called and said they were right around the corner, then no. It probably wouldn't have made any difference because I clearly told him to give me plenty of notice before B was to come over, and telling me he's less than 1 minute away isn't very considerate. I still think of that as showing up unannounced.

Of course, I knew that seeing B at some point was going to be a possibility. I knew that. When H asked if B wasn't ever going to be allowed over again, I told him that I didn't say forever, just not now. I'm not ready to welcome him back into my home. Not after finding out that he knew about what H was doing...but H didn't give me that chance, did he? He didn't give me the time I needed to get over the B issue. He just brought him over. Totally disregarded our agreement. What can I do?

I don't feel that I make the rules, Don. The only rules I make are the ones I expect my boys to follow.

Wait....now that I'm thinking about this even more, I do have rules...or maybe I'm trying to make them. What kind of rules? How about some that have to do with respecting my feelings? Because I believe that to be a big problem right now. It actually has been for a long time. I feel like H doesn't listen to me, so he doesn't care. He says he does, but I feel otherwise.

So what am I to do? Do I continue to talk to him and express myself, my wishes, my feelings? Then afterwards tell myself, "Ok....I told him...but chances are, he really didn't hear me....So I better prepare myself for disappointment/frustration/hurt again...and again...and again....."

It's the same with the sex thing. I've told him I really don't like certain things, but he still pushes for them. He's not listening.

He continues to point out any little imperfection I have...when it's about a week before that time of the month for me, I often break out. It's bad enough that I still have to get a pimple here and there in my 30s, but it's even worse when he walks right up to my face and says something that's just plain rude..."Damn, what is that? A pimple? Get rid of it."... ...As if I wanted to keep it.

Then there's my belly, too (umm, excuse me, H...I've had 3 children...not every one of us ladies can return to our pre-pregnancy figures). He pokes it. He thinks he's being cute, but I don't.

He does these things even though I've told him a hundred times not to. By bringing attention to my flaws, he makes me feel so self-conscious all the time.

So yeah....I have expectations...I have rules for H, and they are to be respectful of me and my feelings.

He is hurting me every time he doesn't listen...every time he picks at me...every time he calls me a you know what.

Does he have ANY real respect for me?

How can I respect myself if I continue to allow him to break those rules? Cross those boundaries?

(Sigh)....I imagine that I'm feeling pretty stressed out, too, right now. I've hardly had any me time at all lately. Haven't been able to go out and have a life outside of the kids and home. H doesn't have the kids over anymore. He can't. He works all the time, and family only helps out when they're free which hasn't been very much these past 2 months.

I'm doing this alone...raising 3 children alone....pretty much have been for nearly 4 years now. I never thought I'd be in this position.

I'm tempted to ask my parents if they could watch the kids for a few days...maybe even a week...just so I could go away and enjoy myself. Doesn't matter what or where. I just really need a break. I'm exhausted....but if I did something like this, I'm sure it would cost some money, so I'll just forget it.


Pink ~

I'm sorry! It's so much more later than I thought! I will reply to your post tomorrow.

Thanks for listening.

[pink]

Would I have been prepared to see B if H called like he said he would? Hmmm....that depends. If H called and said that he'd be over in about 30 minutes, yes I would've been ready for that. It would've given me time to get myself and S1 ready to go somewhere so that I could just say "hi" and "bye" as I was coming or going. I wasn't feeling well that morning either, remember? Not that that's an excuse or anything for my mood. I just mean that I wasn't dressed and ready to leave the house when they showed up.

So..this isn't really about Don, it's about being notified that someone was going to call at your house and you may not be appropriatly dressed or whatever....That's fair enough. I would have been furious if my H turned up with a workman to do a job without informing me.

When H asked if B wasn't ever going to be allowed over again, I told him that I didn't say forever, just not now. I'm not ready to welcome him back into my home. Not after finding out that he knew about what H was doing...but H didn't give me that chance, did he? He didn't give me the time I needed to get over the B issue. He just brought him over. Totally disregarded our agreement. What can I do?[quote/] He doesn't sound like a good friend for either of you. I suggest you let H find that out for himself. I don't blame you for wanting to distance yourself....

I don't feel that I make the rules, Don. The only rules I make are the ones I expect my boys to follow.

When H asked you if he was ALLOWED to bring Don over it does sound like you make the rules. The way he prods and teases you is almost like your H is a teenager having fun with you rather than a loving supportive partner.

Wait....now that I'm thinking about this even more, I do have rules...or maybe I'm trying to make them. What kind of rules? How about some that have to do with respecting my feelings? Because I believe that to be a big problem right now. It actually has been for a long time. I feel like H doesn't listen to me, so he doesn't care. He says he does, but I feel otherwise.

What you are doing is not working Val. You have asked him to stop, he hasn't. Time to try something else.

So what am I to do? Do I continue to talk to him and express myself, my wishes, my feelings? Then afterwards tell myself, "Ok....I told him...but chances are, he really didn't hear me....So I better prepare myself for disappointment/frustration/hurt again...and again...and again....."

Don't ask or expect anything of him. Ignore him when he makes childish remarks...walk away give him No attention for doing it. Give him lots of praise when he is doing thingsyou approve of. he'll soon get the hang of the fact that when he acts ina childish way he gets a blank response.

He continues to point out any little imperfection I have...when it's about a week before that time of the month for me, I often break out. It's bad enough that I still have to get a pimple here and there in my 30s, but it's even worse when he walks right up to my face and says something that's just plain rude..."Damn, what is that? A pimple? Get rid of it."... ...As if I wanted to keep it.

ignore him.

He does these things even though I've told him a hundred times not to. By bringing attention to my flaws, he makes me feel so self-conscious all the time.

He gets a fair bit of attention by doing this kind of stuff. He is not hearing what you are saying about not likeing it so try to stop saying it.

So yeah....I have expectations...I have rules for H, and they are to be respectful of me and my feelings.

How are they working for you? Are they making you feel respected....? It is clear they are not. I am not saying you should accept this mistreatment but find an alternative way to get what you want
Pink

---

[ValerieA]

Hey there, Pink.

So..this isn't really about Don, it's about being notified that someone was going to call at your house and you may not be appropriatly dressed or whatever....That's fair enough. I would have been furious if my H turned up with a workman to do a job without informing me.

It is about B, and it isn't.

Like I said, I'm not ready to be around B again. Not yet, but I know in time I'll be over it. I just need time.

But you're right...it isn't just about him either. MANY days, I'm not looking very appropriate for visitors to come into my home because of S1. I don't get to take my shower until he's ready for his nap which is around 10am...sometimes even later than that . There's no one to keep an eye on him if I were to take one while he's awake, and believe me...he gets into EVERYTHING !!! He's only a year old and he knows how to undo the safety locks on the cabinets and drawers .

He doesn't sound like a good friend for either of you. I suggest you let H find that out for himself. I don't blame you for wanting to distance yourself....

Well, H has a history with him....they've been friends for nearly 15 years and have been through a lot of good times as well as bad times together. There's nothing those two wouldn't do for each other. Nothing.

B is always willing to help us out with things around the house...repairs and such...he is a nice, decent guy....so I will give him that much....but I feel betrayed by him. B knew that H was messing around but didn't say a word to me or to H....I know it's not B's fault for what H was doing, but I don't know. I just feel like he's not a true friend.

But he's H friend....has been for a very long time....and I know he's not going anywhere. I just need time before I feel ok with him being over here.

When H asked you if he was ALLOWED to bring Don over it does sound like you make the rules.

Ok, he didn't literally ask if he was allowed. H's exact words were, "So B can never come over again?"

But I do see what you're saying. H is basically asking for permission, right?

I suppose when I told him that I didn't want B over here, I must have made it sound like a rule. I was only trying to stand my ground with him, but perhaps I was trying too hard??? I wanted to be sure he understood.

But I did tell him I wouldn't feel that way forever. I would get over it with some time.

But that's the one thing H never gives me......TIME.

The way he prods and teases you is almost like your H is a teenager having fun with you rather than a loving supportive partner.

THANK YOU!!! That's PRECISELY how he is!

I'm not the only one who sees this. MIL and SIL see it and say it about him all the time.

He's an overgrown child! And he doesn't just tease me...he does this to the kids, too. He doesn't do it as much anymore with them (most likely because he's not around enough)....it caused ALOT of arguments between us....but I don't know. It's like he gets a huge kick out of seeing S10 aggravate the he** out of S6.... ....then when S6 comes crying to me about it for the 5th time, that's when I get upset with H. The boys are just kids....they do what they're told (for the most part )....but H....how can he be so mature and responsible when it comes to taking care of his responsibilities/duties yet be sooooo childish when it comes to interacting with his sons and his W? I can understand playing in general...playing on the kids' level...but he just takes it tooooo far and he doesn't know when to stop!

What you are doing is not working Val. You have asked him to stop, he hasn't. Time to try something else.....Don't ask or expect anything of him. Ignore him when he makes childish remarks...walk away give him No attention for doing it....he'll soon get the hang of the fact that when he acts ina childish way he gets a blank response.....ignore him.

I HAVE tried this. I have said nothing at times....walked away at others.

But when I do this, he follows me around and asks why I'm ignoring him or says, "I'm just playing with you. F***, lighten up!"

Clearly his idea of playing is far different than mine...you don't poke fun at others...that's just rude!

So I've talked to him, and it doesn't stop. I've ignored him and tried walking away, and that doesn't work either.

Any suggestions? What if I just stand there and look at him with a blank look on my face? Or maybe just smile and do nothing else?

You know what? I can't do that. I cannot stand or sit there and let him hurt me like that. I can't let him do this s**t to me and especially to my children. He loves them so much, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for them, so why can't he stop teasing them? Why get them started with each other? Why ask one of them, "Who do you think would win in a fight between you and (S6)?"...or vice versa?

WHY????

I once wrote that things are much calmer in the house since he's been out of it...and I meant it. They are. S10 and S6 still have their little spats every now and then, but they're not instigated by an adult, and anyway, they're brothers. They will do that stuff from time to time.

I just don't know what else to do to get H to REALLY SEE AND KNOW what his "playing around" does. It's almost as if he doesn't care about how he makes others feel. He's having fun.



Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Not much has changed in the last few days. H and I haven't really talked much lately although we did have an R talk a couple of days ago. It wasn't good...nothing seems to be going well lately.

Pretty much, H said he doesn't have it in him to work at this M anymore. He said he wants to be happy, and he wants me to be happy, too, but he doesn't know what I want from him.

I told him, "Your TIME...That's what I've been telling you for the past 8 or 9 months...even longer than that...and I don't know how else I can possibly explain it to you....You don't seem to understand me, and I don't know what else to do."

Another thing....I'm feeling upset about how I'm taking care of the kids all by myself. My PMA isn't what it was 2 or 3 months ago. Since H got his new job, he doesn't help with them anymore. He can't. He's working all the time. He used to have them every other weekend and once during the week....that really helped me out. I need those small breaks, but now, I'm very lucky if I get one or two evenings to myself each month, and that's only if my parents or MIL take all three of the boys overnight.

I was able to go out and have some fun mingling with ADULTS.

Yes, I'm complaining, I know. I love my children, without a doubt, but I do need time to myself every so often. When H and I were still a "couple", he would give me that. He would let me go and do whatever I wanted for a day while he stayed with the kids (before S1 was born). I really looked forward to those times.

Anyway, my sister P asked if I wanted to go along with her, her H, and their D4 to Disneyland in a couple of weeks. I thought that would be a great idea, so I asked my mom if she would watch S1 so that I could take S10 and S6. She agreed ! I've been wanting to take the kids there for a looooong time but never have because H always wanted me to wait until we could all go together. Well, sorry, not only do the kids deserve this, but so do I. I'm not waiting for him any longer.

So I called to let him know about my plans, and as usual, he asks what it's going to cost. I told him I didn't know yet, but I would let him know as soon as I compared prices online. I told him that P was going to pay for the room, so all I'd have to pay for would be our tickets, food, etc, and since P and her H would be paying for gas to get us there, I would most likely treat for lunch/dinner a couple of times.

H said, "So what is this going to cost me then? $500? $600? $1000? What?.....I really don't have the money, but oh well. Whatever."



Why can't I just live a little?

There is $XXX,XXX in the accounts....but HE doesn't have it.

I'm not asking for a grand....I'm not asking for 5 grand....I'm just asking to be able to go out and enjoy LIFE, and yes, it costs some money.

About a year and a half ago, I won a jackpot while playing poker. H said that I could do whatever I wanted with my winnings. So I paid for all of us (H, me, and the boys) to go to Maui for my sister P's wedding. I had never been anywhere before other than Reno, Tahoe, and Vegas. I was sooo looking forward to this trip.

It was a miserable one. All H did was complain about where we stayed (we shared a rental with my parents) and said he would never have paid to go there.

H was involved with his EA during this time. He was hardly around me. He was always going off somewhere with his cellphone. Of course, now I know why.

Anyway, I thought it was beautiful there, and someday I'd like to go back...but without the kids . We were too limited in what we could do with them being there.

So that trip cost me about $4000 from my winnings, and all H could say was "what a waste of money."

I really don't feel that I ask for too much from him, but apparently I'm wrong. He has no time to give me, and asking to be able to live and enjoy life is too much, too. He can't just say, "That sounds so great! I know the kids will love that! Have a great time!" No....that's me wishing for too much.

(Sigh).....But I AM going to take them....whether he likes it or not. They deserve it, and so do I. I could really use this PMA boost.

I'm sure this is going to cause some more problems, but I haven't come across anything that's too much for me to handle. Not yet .

Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Hello, everyone.

H tried to pull an early April Fool's joke on me, but I wasn't buying it . He told me the Valero refinery called to tell him "thanks, but no thanks" for his application, but come on now.....they do not call you to let you down .

So yes.....H has been hired by Valero !

This is just sooooo WONDERFUL!!!

No more 12-14 hour shifts! No more working without any time off! TERRIFIC!!!

He starts in May. April will be kind of like a preliminary month for him where they will conduct a background check, give him a physical, etc. He'll be making $8 more an hour than what he's making now with his current job, and he'll be working 8-hr shifts, 40 hrs a week, so he'll have 2 days off each week. That is so great because his boys really miss seeing him! When I said something about him being able to spend time with the kids again, he said, "And with you, too."....we'll see.

I am just so very happy for him! All of his hard work, studying, and determination has finally paid off for him in a BIG way ! I am so proud of him, and he is thrilled!

Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Journaling:

Had a really nice time at Disneyland ! The boys had a blast although I don't think they cared too much for all the princess/fairy tale stuff , but my 4yo niece absolutely loved it !

My sister P was talking about going again in July. She said hopefully H could join us for that time (if I decide to go again). I think if we do end up going, we should try to stay for a week....3 days is not enough time to see and do everything between the two parks. We spent more than half a day in Tomorrowland alone !

Anyway, as soon as my cellphone was back in range (I have a cheapie plan), H was calling me. He asked about our time and said he was glad to hear that we had fun. Then he asked, "So about how much did you spend?" I estimated about $1000 for everything (three 3-day hopper passes, meals, souvenirs, etc.). H let out a BIG sigh and said, "Oh well....nothing I can do but live with it....well I'm glad you had a good time." He repeated this a few times. Not the same exact words over and over again, but his unhappiness about the money spent.

So I sat there and took it in. Let him rub it in my face some more because that's how it feels. I did tell him thank you and that I appreciated him letting us go. He didn't say anything in response to that.....I don't know, I guess I would've liked to hear something like, "Sure. No problem," but it seems like that was too much to ask for because it is a problem.

Well, H leaves for Chicago later this week, and he'll be gone until the 27th. When he returns, he has his physical to do for Valero. If all continues to go well, he should begin working for them around the end of May.

On the R front, there's nothing. We only talk when we need to (re: kids). In fact, H should be here in an hour or so to pick up S10 and S6. He's taking them to SIL's D2's birthday party. S1 isn't feeling well. I think he might have an ear infection. My mom said he's been running a temperature off and on since Monday, and I just now saw him poking at his ear a little bit. Poor little guy. I had better get off of here and call his doctor now.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend. Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Not having a very good day. I don't know what's wrong. Everything I suppose. I just feel very empty inside.

S10 and S6 are back in school (their spring break was last week), and S1 is getting over pneumonia. He didn't have an ear infection like I thought he might have had, but I had to take him to the doctor twice. His doctor was away, so we saw two different doctors. I didn't really care for the first...felt he was too impatient with S1 (who doesn't like to be touched by strangers which is normal for his age). The second doctor agreed with the first and said she couldn't find anything wrong with S1 but took a swab to check for strep throat and ordered a chest x-ray just to be sure although she said he sounded very clear.....Sure enough, there it was! Pneumonia. I think we caught it right at the start. So he's on amoxicillin and feeling much, much better. Thank goodness.

H is in Chicago. He left Easter morning.

Sometimes I feel that I should've just filed for D a loooong time ago. I feel like I've been wasting my time trying to make things better between us by changing my ways and bettering myself...which is good for me, yes...but H is still the same. He hasn't changed, and I know that I have no control over that.....I guess what I'm asking myself is am I ok with that? Am I ok with how he is? I don't think I am.

There was something that happened between us last week. I'm not going to reveal it though. I will say that it made me take a long HARD look at everything.

Some other things that came out after that incident....just more "I wish I would've got out a long time ago", "You're a f***ing b****", and "I would call what we had coexisting". H also revealed that sometimes he believes that he really hates me.....all of this was said to me after I blew up when he drove drunk with the kids in the car....but somehow, it was my fault because I wanted them home by 6pm that evening...."Look. YOU wanted them home by 6, so here they are."

That wasn't the "incident" either. His drunk driving was nothing in comparison to the other thing. Extremely hard to believe, I'm sure.

I blew up and told him if he ever put my boys in danger again, that would be the last time he ever saw them. I don't care if he is their father. I will do whatever it takes to keep him away from them.

After the incident, I called his sister. Before he left, he said I had better not talk to her or his mom about this. He said, "They don't need to know. They don't need to worry about anything."

Ohhh, so only I get to worry and be hurt, right? Put it all on me. Let me go through all of this sh*t alone.

Well, talking to his sister....I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. She told me try not to worry, she would talk with him. I can understand if she was trying to comfort me somehow, but I just didn't feel that she was taking this very seriously. I had talked to MIL awhile back about something very similar, and she pretty much did the same thing....more or less blew it off. "Oh, he's been like that since he was 16. He used to say this and that all the time. He's so full of it."

Well, if his own family doesn't seem to really care, then why should I? Why do I still care? After everything I have heard and seen come from him, why do I still care?

H was talking D again a few days ago...and I think I'm ready to agree with him on that...but just yesterday, he called from Chicago and told me that he loves me. I said nothing. Just told him the kids would talk with him tomorrow(today).

He apologized to me at least a few dozen times before his departure for all that has happened between us. I just said ok. I do not believe anything that he says anymore. I told him that he could call to talk with the kids but not with me, and when he returns, if he wants to see them, I will drop them off at MIL's, and I will pick them back up from her. H is no longer welcome around me. I'm sure I won't feel this way forever, but this is how it is for now.

I've been slacking on the treadmill....gotta get back on. I haven't had much time to work on my studies either. Have to make more time for that, too. I've been an emotional and mental wreck, so it's been very difficult to focus on alot.

Now I need to go focus on S1. Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Hello everyone.

I came across the new board ("Thinking of Leaving") and feel that's where I should be. I am not "piecing" my M together anymore...I am trying to piece MYSELF together.

Thanks to all of those who have been of TREMENDOUS help and support to me here. I will always be grateful for it.

Here's the link to my new thread over in "Thinking of Leaving": Will the fog ever lift?

Once again, thank you for always being there, and thank you for listening.

So ok....lock it up please!