Dealing with Reality Part 2

[RNC814]

Raven, I really only meant saying it one more time. But if you've already used words similar to those, then yea, I don't blame you if you've reached the point of being done with it. You know I've always admired your patience and strength through all this, and I think it has paid off for you tremendously. If you now believe you have done all you can do and more, then there is nothing wrong with turning your back and allowing yourself to move on.

And if you really wish to do that, then the next time she asks you "How come you can offer that now, but couldn't do that for me before?" why not try this as a way to set yourself free: "I think you need to look inside yourself for that answer."

As always, feel free to ignore all my advice. It obviously hasn't worked for me.

But as always, know that we're here and will always support whatever path you take to deal with your sitch, and wish you find true happiness in the very near future.

[kml]

Actually, Raven, I think you might have missed some of the nuances of RNC's composition:

How about something like "You are right, I couldn't offer that to you because until you told me about our problems I didn't know they existed. For that I am truly sorry. I have you to thank for allowing me to see my faults, and I have sincerely tried to change for the better. Standard boilerplate validation and apology I guess I have done a pretty good job with it since you talk about me being able to offer these things now. And I also have some real regrets that we weren't able to stay together long enough for you to benefit from these changes. Na na na na na na, you blew it baby! I would have loved for you to have benefitted from them. But since you got remarried so darn fast, some other lucky woman will get me instead, while you squirm in jealousy But you have moved on and I wish you the best with your new guy, and all I want now is for you to find happiness. You made your bed, honey, now lie in it! Hopefully he won't make the same mistakes I did. Sucker!!! "

Subtle, isn't it?

Ellie

[RNC814]

Subtle, isn't it?

*evil grin*

[DERaven]

I like your interpretation kml. Believe me I am thinking those things and will say them when everything is signed on the dotted line and filed. I hold my tongue because I want to hold onto my wallet.

Okay yet again.

XW comes over this morning to take kids to school and daycare. She volunteered at school yesterday and said the teacher asked her her new name. She told her and said, "I can't believe it. I can't believe I got married again." I said nothing. I know she was expecting me to say something but you know what; XW does not get the privaledge of knowing what I am thinking. She lost that privaledge when she got a new partner. I reserve that for people I trust and want to be close to. She also asked me about fearless. I said you'll know when I know. I do not trust XW and as such she gets to know nothing of what I am thinking or about my life. I have this feeling she just wants to know about fearless to find out if she would be coming here and XW can get her $. There is a stipulation in the agreement that if I cohabitate she is entitled to her share of equity in the house at that time.

XW did not want to be in an R with me so she does not get to know what is going on in my head or what is going on in my personal life. She can try to get a rise out of me all day. Ain't gonna happen. Do that to your new H. My time to be manipulated is done.

[huh?]

Amen!!! I agree with you totally. My XH emails me from time to time to 'check in'. I refuse to discuss my personal life with him at all. He is living with a girl he supposely met and moved w/in 1 month of our D. Why is it that they think they have the right to know? You sound like you are doing well and I am so happy for you. Linda

[jirm74]

Wow, get busy with work for a couple days, and look what all I miss! Well, you've already got the best advice, and you sound great:

____________________________________________________________
XW does not get the privaledge of knowing what I am thinking. She lost that privaledge when she got a new partner. I reserve that for people I trust and want to be close to.

XW did not want to be in an R with me so she does not get to know what is going on in my head or what is going on in my personal life. She can try to get a rise out of me all day. Ain't gonna happen. Do that to your new H. My time to be manipulated is done.
____________________________________________________________

Good for you, Raven!!!!!!!!!!!!! Your strength and character continue to amaze me.

[spitfire57]

Raven your me a year ago (except my kids are older). Good idea watching what you say till the "deals" done. I struggled with the idea of blasting her afterwards, realized it would make me feel good for a moment, but would basically be a waste of time falling on deaf ears so to speak, and just end up upsetting the kids in the end, the kids do like the fact that Mom and Dad communicate.
The X's sometimes do get a false sense of security though as we are no longer so reactactive, and I've had to draw some hard boundries a couple of times when X got a little goofy! You'll find your balance, it'll take time and some experimentation! My X wanted to keep me in her life, as a friend lol, as you said my X fails to meet any of the critera I use to define a friend, LOL how does that saying go "with friends like these...." Your on the right track! C.

[DERaven]

Thanks for all the positive feedback everyone. It's nice to know I'm not out in left field. I hope things may change someday but that is up to XW. I don't think I will be able to have a better R without her understanding that it was not all my fault and she cannot blame me for all of this or all her problems.

[kml]

She told her and said, "I can't believe it. I can't believe I got married again." I said nothing.

Just wondering, what would happen if you started answering her with psychoanalyst sentences:

"How did that make you feel?"
"Why do you ask that?" (Like after she asked what you thought of OM).
"What do YOU think of that?"

Just seems to me like she's busting to say something to you - probably about her doubts and confusion about how she ended up where she is.

Or you could be blunt, and ask her straight out - "What, aren't you happy in your new marriage?".

Ellie

[Burgbud]

I know she was expecting me to say something but you know what; XW does not get the priviledge of knowing what I am thinking.

BOOM!!


Do that to your new H. My time to be manipulated is done.

Heh. Boom again.

Oh, and come get your crap out of my house before it goes up in a bonfire honoring the imminent release of Kyle Boller. Be careful though, I've adjusted the door. Don't let it hit you in the a$$ on the way out.