Hey Preacher...You know as long as I dont get "too personal" here, I think H would understand. He did say once that he knows its a place for me to go to talk sometimes. It has been a nice break from the boards, but I also miss it. Its like a big old journal for me..where I put my thoughts and feelings and then sometimes have others comment on them. I guess the time away also helped to me make sure that coming her was not a "crutch" for my M. And its not. So...moving on...
Journaling....
Things are going quite well!! Im still not very good at communicating my feelings or anxieties to my H, but I am working on it. I have learned that the longer I ponder about what to say or how to say it..the harder it gets and then I usually end up not saying anything at all. So I am trying to get into the practice of saying how I feel right away, as long as I know it will come out right.
I have a DB friend here in Colorado and we both have these "setbacks" every once in a while. Its really not anything our H have done, its just how are minds work. Its not fun. I think in time, it will go away, because its usually only a bad, insecure thought for a minute or two and then we realize just how dumb we are being. But its that minute or two that are so hard and bring back all the bad memories. I think these times are happening much more to me lately, due to the wedding of the OW's sister that H says we are going to on New Years Eve. Its my insecurities that are making me worry, not my H or what he is doing. If I could just find a way to let him know how I feel about it and that its not HIM, its ME...and I am working on it.
You know as long as I dont get "too personal" her Remember that DBing is about YOU not your H. Its about knowing yourself and making changes to make yourself grow. So I am trying to get into the practice of saying how I feel right away, as long as I know it will come out right. very good to not hold onto the feelings but be carefull about the "as long as I know it will come out right". Over time this can stop you from expressing your feelings. You can't walk around on egg shells Try the After the Affair site http://members3.boardhost.com This site has posts that help you to understand the feeling you are having and how certain things will trigger the memories and bring back old feelings.
Last weekend I talked to a friend of mine from back home. She has said there was an incident between her H, who owns a bar, and a co-worker. It was nothing major, but enough to get her into freak out mode! She said she didn't know how I did it last year, because what had happened in her life was NOTHING compared to what happened to me, but she said she was a zombie for weeks! But, things got resolved with her and her H, but it was so hard to see this happening with them. But, she did say things were heading in a different direction for them..a good one. I told her that I honestly felt God has things like this happen to help open our eyes to what is really going on in our lives and to make us start dealing with them so that we can move foreward. Before this, I really didnt see my friend as being very happy and her H didnt treat her well, so all in all...I guess this was a good thing that happened.
God gave burdens, also shoulders. --Yiddish proverb
Some days we wake up, and we know we can't get out of bed. We lie there, trying to force ourselves, but none of the usual motivations work. We may be depressed, we may be grieving, or we may simply be tired. It's hard to resist the temptation to believe that everyone else is functioning with ease. They all show up for work. What's wrong with me? The more frantic we become, the more likely we may lapse into old ways of thinking and behaving in order to get moving.
If we feel we can't get out of bed, there's usually a good reason why. We can give ourselves permission to discover it. By being honest, we will discover how to take care of ourselves. Maybe it's a day to stop and nurture ourselves, not force ourselves to keep going. Only we know what we really need. We do not have to compare ourselves to others or apologize for what we are going through. Instead, we can be gentle, giving our bodies, emotions, and spirits what they require. We can turn the day over to God's will.
I pray for the willingness to make this a day of healing. I will be part of my own renewal.
Finish Journaling....
I was talking to my sister the other night in messenger and she had been drinking, which is probably why this all came out. She says things are hard...her H was away for Basic Training in the Guards and then went to school and he was gone a total 6 months. She was home with baby and 3 year old. She says they are having tough time adjusting. She says she feels like she is a "loner" meaning she felt better when she was doing things on her own. Honestly, I think she drinks too much, but didnt tell her that. Anyways, all the things she was telling me were like the same things that H had told me when he was going through his "thing". It freaked me out! I dont want this to happen to my sister? She said that they just need time. But I told her if she doesnt talk to her H about this and they try working on things, time will NOT make it better. It will only get worse! Of course she kept on saying, its not same as us..blah,blah, blah. Its so hard to see someone you love headed in same direction you were just in a year ago. How can I get her to see that by "doing nothing" things will never get better? I am going home this week for Thanksgiving and H wont be coming. Maybe I can get her to talk to me a bit more. I guess thats all I can do, right?
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Well, things on MY homefront are going very well. H and I have been spending lots of quality time together, laughing, talking and even still learning new things about each other. But, there is still one of my goals that we have not reached in our M. Its the affection...no kidding, right?! Well, I found a couple things in the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" and ran them off and highlighted the things for my H to read. They pretty much explain what I have been wanting to tell him, but I think maybe reading it in a book my have more of an impact. Any ways, I am going to give it to him b4 I leave for Thanksgiving and ask him to read it. I guess we will see how that goes!
Well, in April 2006, it will be 2 years since I first posted to these boards. I was at a loss of what to do or where my marriage was headed. It was the scariest time of my life. Coming here was the best thing that I could have done. I had so much support and a place to come to search for answers. If you were to ask me if I would have thought we would be where we are now, I dont think I could have answered that. I knew that I WANTED us to be here, but was very unsure of if we would make it.
Now, almost 2 years and a WHOLE LOTTA LEARNING later, I finally feel safe and secure enough in my M to say that we are definately a DB success story!
In just the past month, I feel that our M has moved to even a better place than when we were first married over 3 years ago. H is starting to open up to me so much more and is wanting me to be a part of his life! It's the best feeling in the world! Our communication is so much better. I no longer am afraid to bring up issues or talk to H about certain things. I have recently listened to CD #5 of KLA and it really has helped me with concentrating on the now and had lots of good reminders.
We do still have some issues, or rather I have just one issue, the kissing, that we need to deal with. But I do feel in time, it will come, just as everthing else has. I have not pushed for anything from H in a long time and I think that has helped. I am getting really good hugs from him (me intitating) and he is spending lots of quality time with me, which I feel are all good steps.
I feel that we have both grown in this whole process, and still continue to grow in our M. I know that it was the changes in ME that made my H decide to change. He did it all on his own. I know that I will continue to read all the books I have now put into my "R library" to help keep me on track and so that I dont go back to the selfish, nagging person that I was.
I do still have some periods of "anxiety", over stupid, little things that happen. I guess its just become a habit from the past year, but I do feel in time it willget less and less and eventually just disappear. Then thing I do instead of freaking out first is to take a step back and just see what is really going on. Sure does help not to jump to conclusions!
Anyways, I just wanted to post how I was feeling now and that I am finally feeling safe and very secure in my M!! Its such a wonderful feeling to wake up every morning and to be sure that H is right here with me and he is here to stay!
