Well I realised recently that I am halfway through my program. Sometime last year I came up with a 3 year time period for me. And I figure starting from our initial seperation date its been just over a year and a half.
Why three years? I dont know. But thats what popped into my head. Maybe its some wierd subconscious connection to when I first met my X. I only knew her briefly and then she dissapeared for three years before she popped back up and thats when we got together. So maybe its some cosmic cycle thing, who knows. But it seems like a sound decision and it seems to working out for me.
Anyway, at the end of that time period I hope to be; 1. Emotionally stable. At this point in time I feel I am well on my way. The lows arent so low anymore and are much fewer and farther between. Thank God! When I think back to what an emotional wreck I was I can only breath a huge sigh of relief. They are still there such as this week, but they are so much easier to get over.
2. Financially sound. Thats taking some time. But at least the bleeding has slowed down a bit. I have no idea when I will actually be able to afford my own place but at least I have my own room. Its not much but its a space of my own.
3. And last but not least if at that time there isnt any talk about about a possible "R" or reconsiliation then I should be at that place where I can start thinking about moving in a different direction. To do that I need to meet my first two goals. I think that make sense.
Things seem to be slowly coming together. Red is still on the first legs of her own journey, one which we are all to painfully familiar with. But I see signs of improvement. She is looking and acting bettor and in our discussions she seems to be grasping all the basic concepts of self awareness and self worth. I hope she gets to that place we all need to be in soon and I think she will. I am glad for her. And if nothing else occurs down the road I at least have formed a friendship. And I hope and I beleive that I have at least helped someone a little bit. That would bring me great joy.
As for the X, things seem to be fairly comfortable. We still do things on occasion as a "family" and thats a good thing for the kids. We still have these children together and there well being has to be a priority now. Sure there is the danger of building up false hopes but I think that is something that will be there for quite some time anyway. They are kids after all and we ARE there mommy and daddy. I dont think I have much control over that. Are "R" is slowly becoming becoming more relaxed and friendly. I think that has more to do with my own mental state then anything else as I dont sense any underlying "connection" or movement towards me in the emotional or physical sense. And thats where things are and may be forever more. A little Poe reference, heh, heh. And that becomes slowly more acceptable to me. I see signs that the X is aware of her own physical wants and may be taking steps towards meeting those. Either with soccerdad or someone else, just seemingly not me. Thats still a little tough to understand and accept, but thats real life right now. So be it.
Im a little nervous and excited about where Im going to be in the next year and a half. All the answers lie somewhere in the future. I hope its a good one.
Well have to get ready for work and then afterwards the X asked if I wanted to come with them to pick out a tree for this year. As someone pointed out to me its possible that this is her way of still having that "family" time while still having her own life. Sort of having your cake and eating it too. And perhaps it helps to assuage any guilt feelings she may have over our current sitch. Thats all possible and seemingly likely. But I know it will make the kids happy. And no matter what they are still my children and I love them. And should the chance exist someday of restarting a newer and bettor "R" with the X and restoring my family I must maintain contact with her. To refuse to accept the possibilty would be just as foolish as not accepting the reality that it may be a pipe dream. And thats ok IMHO.
Sure its been tough and it will continue to be for some time. But I have made it this far. And I have survived everything that has been thrown at me. I just need to keep walking forward and if I stumble at times, well Im only human. I just have to get back up, again.
Take care all and may we each truely find the desires of our own hearts. And as someone once posted at the very begining of my journey, yes your right, I can do it. Thanks R2.
I admire your goals and direction. You sound like your coming to grips with reality, and looking towards your future. I pray that God bless you on your journey from here to there. He has a purpose and a plan for everything.
Quote: As someone pointed out to me its possible that this is her way of still having that "family" time while still having her own life. Sort of having your cake and eating it too. And perhaps it helps to assuage any guilt feelings she may have over our current sitch. Thats all possible and seemingly likely. But I know it will make the kids happy. And no matter what they are still my children and I love them. And should the chance exist someday of restarting a newer and bettor "R" with the X and restoring my family I must maintain contact with her. To refuse to accept the possibilty would be just as foolish as not accepting the reality that it may be a pipe dream. And thats ok IMHO.
Well said Jim. Someone just might be right, your W may be getting her cake and eating it too. So what? That has absolutely nothing to do with you/us. Your/our kids will be so much more secure, and they will respect us so much more for our sacrifice. Nobody ever said life would be easy, fun filled days of summer. There are millions of people out there that may not see another day, who are starving to death, scared to death, being shot at, tortured, far worse off than us. I think you are a noble servant like me, and I'm proud of us for doing the right thing for our kids and our family. We can also take care of US at the same time, it does'nt have to be all or nothing. It takes guts, humility, patience, and perseverance. It is truly heroic, IMHO, probably not in the eyes of most.
About your pipedream, It's far more exciting to catch fish in places were friends told me they were'nt, than were they told me they were. Get it?
Good job my friend, keep on fighting the good fight. You will be rewarded with riches beyond your belief someday.
Humble Prayers,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Jim, You sound so good!!! I'm very happy that you're at peace with your life. It was great talking to yesterday. Hopefully, we'll be able to get together before the holidays.
I just wanted to pop in and say hi. Glad you're doing better. And when you do get together with Jilly, make sure she behaves. Or at least tell us about it.
Heeeey, Jim. You do sound really good. I'm happy for you. I can relate to many of the things that you're trying to make better in your life. Just really happy to have you here and know that things are going better for you. Looking forward to hearing updates on the 3 yr plan and that you have great success and to reach yours goals. Your definetely heading in the right direction.
HI Jim... you do sound good! A year and half plan... I'm impressed. I never set any time lines for myself after D. I just kinda took things as they occurred. The timeline is a great idea. You know, you got a big heart and I hope it all works out great. Who knows about your X? She is on her own path and will work it out on her own, as are you.
If you want it to be good, it will be good.
R2 is a smart guy. As are a lot of my "imaginary" friends from this board. I've met a lot of incredible folks on this board...something I've always been grateful for.
Take care and enjoy the season! I love the Christmas holidays...
Hey Jim. Got your message that you are going through a rough time on the Prayer Circle forum. Please release here and let us know what is going on. Lots of people really care about you here. Gone for work a lot and not able to check in as often, but will be back Monday or Tuesday. Take care my Friend.
