You guys see why I love this man so much? I just can't believe he ever did those things to me, lied, snuck around behind my back, allowed himself to have feelings for another woman.
I got in to work today to find beautiful flowers on my desk with a note "I just wanted to say I love you."
I was so adamant that I was going to leave because Zuki lied to me a SECOND time. I just don't know now... he is a sincere man, I know that. I just don't know what to do. It's so hard not to fall back in and totally forgive...
Anyway, this thread was not started so I could journal. Instead, why don't we get back to working on what is not working for us and try to solve our issues.
Hi guys, I've been spending a lot of time studying stories on the bb this past couple of days because I feel as if all my DBing efforts these past 8 months have come to nothing. While it certainly improved my outlook on things and how my H and I interact (I see him everyday when he comes over to see the kids) - we're affectionate, ML, get along, etc. but the big picture has steadily gotten worse. At first we were "separated" but in the same bed, then he moved to the couch, then he moved out for 2 months, which became 4 months, which became a one-year lease, and now he says he definitely wants a D. He is deep in MLC (we're both 39) and is spending his time with 20-year-olds. Don't know if he's having an affair right now, but he openly says he wants to date other women.
So, my reason for hijacking your thread is because yours is yet another story I've noticed where nothing seemed to happen until the LBS said "that's it!" and cut off ties. It almost seems to me that just going along being the nice guy doesn't actually work - that the WAS needs to dramatically see the reality of what they're doing.
Any thoughts on this? My H and I get along fairly well as friends right now and have two small children to worry about, so rocking the boat is scary. But I will rock the hell out of it, if that's what's going to work.
By the way, a couple of months ago I found text messages between my H and a 20-year-old bartender. I freaked on him and told him I was done. He begged me to stay, that he loved me, that he was thinking of moving back home, that she meant nothing, etc. etc. Of course, that lasted a couple of days and he was back to not being committed to the M. But maybe I've done too good of a job making him feel comfortable with this whole sitch.
Any advice from the pros is most welcome!! Gibeon (P.S. I have a bunch of threads spanning the past 7 months over on Newcomers, for anyone wanting a novel to read. )
Gibeon, giving an ultimatum does NOT work. When I said I was done and leaving, he begged me to stay, loved me, etc. However, he continued to talk to OW behind my back. In other words, he was afraid of losing me, but only that. It wasn't enough for him to detach from her. Although, it did help us to reattach...
It was the DBing, being nice, etc that helped me. Wait for Zuki's response to this, his side may be more helpful... but I think that being nice to him made him realize what he would be missing without me in his life and also feel more like what he was doing was wrong on many levels.
If I was a witch and mean to him, it only would have served to make him see that I deserved what he was doing. But instead, he saw that I was a good person and started to come around.
Now, with that said, I truly believe in DB principles. BUT it wasn't until I was walking out the door that H snapped and came to his senses. However, it was only a momentary lifting of the clouds and not a permanent change. But it was enough for H to decide to start trying again and to see hope in our future.
Hi Rottzilla, Thanks for your response. I totally agree that being mean is not the way to go. I really want to work from a place of love. Having said that, is there not some way of being loving and positive while putting one's foot down? Like I said, on one level things are somewhat positive in my sitch compared to others. But, overall, he's moved further and further away. Does this just mean that I have to give things more time, or that I need to change my strategy? Since my H is essentially getting the best of both worlds right now, I am concerned that he doesn't really understand the ramifications of what he's doing. Plus, by seeing me all the time he doesn't have a chance to miss me. Make sense? Gib
Hi Gibeon, Don't worry about hijacking. It's all good. Here's where my perspective may help. During the beginning of my A, I had told my W that I didn't know if I loved her anymore and found myself drifting away. However, it wasn't until she "cut herself off" from me and started doing things for herself and didn't care what I did, that I started to question my feelings and realized I DID love her. Up until that point, I had my cake and was eating it to. I believe that's what your H is doing. Hope this helped.
I guess Zuki just summed up what I was thinking - he always puts it so much more succinctly than I am able to. I am far too verbose, I fear.
I think the whole get a life thing really works, plus it makes you feel good. I wouldn't give an ultimatum, since that will likely backfire. Maybe if GAL doesn't work for you, you need to go dark. Don't give him his cake, let him hunt for his own.
Zuki and Zilla, Thanks so much - you don't know how great it is to talk to you guys - your wisdom is so needed on this bb! I guess I already gave him the ultimatum this week (twice really) in the guise of big R talks. Of course, it only served to make things worse. But I think it might be because they were talk instead of action. I think he has to really "see" that I'm moving on and what that means to him. Here are some of the LRT kind-of ideas that I have. Do you think I'm on the right track? Any thoughts: 1) My wedding rings are now OFF. 2)I'm putting away the wedding photos in the bedroom. (I'll keep up lots of pictures of H around the house - family photos, but not couple ones) 3)I'm thinking of changing our voice mail greeting to just say Gib, D6 and S3. 4)No phone calls/emails/MSNs unless urgent, child-related, etc. 5)No ILYs 6)No initiating affectionate touches. 7)I think I'll continue to be flirtatious though. 8)GAL - get out more with friends, etc. 9)Be light and breezy around H - no anger, arguing, smart remarks 10)Don't ask H about his whereabouts, plans, etc. 11)No R talks - keep discussions light 12)Continue working on career (had a great meeting with a TV producer last week - I used to be a television reporter before kids) 13)Continue working on fitness goals - lookin' hot baby! So, in a nutshell, I guess I'm showing H that I'm indeed moving on, given that he has said that he is done with me (and, in fact, HAPPY that he's done with me) but showing him that he's missing out on one hell of a great woman.
I have to say, at least for me, the wedding ring thing is a no-no. I take M very seriously and would never remove my rings unless ABSOLUTELY sure it was over. Of course, I recently did, but that's another story. It would send the wrong message to him... you want him to feel you still are hopeful, but not waiting for him. If you alienate him, it's not going to work. You have to be honest with him above all. DBing is not about head games or lying to him, or even to yourself. Instead, leave your rings on.
I did put away our M photos, but mostly because I didn't want to be reminded of the happy times because it was too painful. I didn't do it to hurt H or make him wonder.
Voice mail good, phone calls good, be there like every third time he calls. No ILY good. I actually allowed touching, however. Not sure how it worked out for us, but my feelings were that physical touch is a way of connecting, so touching allowed me to let H know I was there and I left it up to his chemical reactions in his brain to do the rest... Zuki-monster, fill me in on this... when we ML and you were still an alien, how did it affect you? Did it do anything at all, make you guilty, make you feel closer to me, more distant, whatever?
Be VERY flirtatious. Remember to make him feel good about himself. Treat him like you did back when you were first dating. Make lots of deposits into his "love bank" and make him really feel good to be around you. After all, do you want to be around people that make you feel bad or good about yourself? Treat him how you want to be treated. But, most of all, leave him wanting more - and then don't be there when he tries to call you. Make him wonder "what's she up to?"
DEFINITELY GAL - lots of it. It makes you feel better about yourself, fills your time etc. I like the second half of your list -very much. Make yourself a happy, hot mama with goals and a life, and who could not fall in love with you, right?
Zilla, This is great stuff - thanks, I'm going to re-read it a few times and take it to heart. Okay, the wedding rings are going back on. I've been back and forth on that one a bit. God, I feel so schizophrenic since all this happened. Hugs to you, Zilla - I owe you a big one! Gibeon
Quote: Zuki-monster, fill me in on this... when we ML and you were still an alien, how did it affect you? Did it do anything at all, make you guilty, make you feel closer to me, more distant, whatever?
This is tough. Even though I tried to distance myself from our relationship, I feel it still kept us connected.
) 
Gib 
