That's very possible. In my session with my T tonight we got onto how each of us (STBXW and I) prepared for and accepted each of the children. It's very easy for Moms to miss how much the Dads want to participate in the ways we can during pregnancy. Anything S asks about how you and baby are doing is a potential "continuing update item." Does he talk to her? I talked to my kids in utero. Tell him about somersaults or jumping jacks during her exercise videos. You might be surprised to hear that he wants you to wake him when she's extra active during the night. I know I didn't want to miss any more than Nature decreed that I would.
You have a lot going well just now. Cool!
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Koshka, thanks for the insight. I think S. very much wants to be involved with the development of the baby - he just has so little time outside of working on the house and R talks with me!
Last night's events made a big repair in our rift of late. The WOA man, I am learning, needs to be sprinkled with a generous helping of QT. Last night after dinner, he needed to go back to the house to do another coat of plaster (thank GOD he started the plastering!), and I was going upstairs to get ready for bed and go in my room to sit in bed and read, he called up and said "Bye, I'm going! [then quieter] You can come over and check on me if you want." So, I thought about it a few minutes, looked longingly at my bed, and put on some shoes and went over to the house to sit with him while he plastered.
When I got there, he was mixing the plaster in the parlor floor apartment, and after a few minutes of not talking (he was concentrating and quiet), I said I'd be back, that I wanted to go upstairs to our future apartment and look at the deck (where he had taken some of our tomaoto, cucumber, and zucchini plants from the ground floor apt). He said, "But you'll miss the dramatic part! I'm about to start the plastering!"
And then and there I learned that he wanted me to sit there with him and watch, to validate, to see how skilled he is. And I had to smile to myself - such a little boy way he said it. So I stayed and watched and punctuated with appropriate ooohs and ahhhs until I felt it was safe to take a breather from the dramatic plastering and go upstairs for a few minutes.
Hours later, when we had cleaned up and come back to my house, he said he was feeling "really close" to me, gave me a massage (the first in at least a month - usually he asks if I'm stiff or my back is sore and then suggests something that I can do to mitigate it knowing full well that I would want a massage - and I haven't felt very comfortable asking for one lately), and snuggled up to me, saying how nice it was to have my company, that it must have been boring for me but that he really enjoyed having me there.
Reminds me of when my artist cousin was living at my house for a few months and he always wanted me to sit and watch him paint (which was actually quite interesting, and I learned a lot), and was 20 times more productive when I did sit there with him.
Does anyone else have any experience with this? Is this motivational hand-holding, or QT, or what? I don't mind doing it, because actually, back when I had a TV I'd ferment in front of it all weekend and watch Bob Vila, Norm Abrams, Steve Thomas, and Roy Underhill in action. Nothing gets me going quite like a good home improvement or craftsman's show. But I find it interesting that he (and my cousin, and I'm sure many others like them) want someone (me) to sit there and watch as they work (would I ever want someone to sit there and watch me while I develop a grammar focus box for the subjunctive or write an activity that develops the ability to identify referents? uh, noooooo).
But of course I'm willng to do it when I have time, because it brings us closer (and I can point out all the spots he made a plaster clump - ha, just kidding, Stubborn!)
No more word on the e-mail. He is supposed to be crafting the one he is to send her - somehow the urgency is gone now that she's written him. I guess we'll see what turns up in T.
I've got to get some work done - anyone want to watch?
Quote: The WOA man, I am learning, needs to be sprinkled with a generous helping of QT.
Good job, Sherlock! I often find that motivational hand-holding to be helpful, especially if I'm having a hard time focusing or getting into the project. For grunt work, it's nice to have someone to talk to. For brain work, it can be nice to just have someone else reading nearby. I find it calming. I guess that's not quite the same as wanting someone to watch me.
I hope you're telling Little Sailor, very loudly, what a great job daddy is doing.
Yeah, I'd love to see that focus box for the subjunctive...
Hey there - I was in deja vu land reading your post
Quote: And then and there I learned that he wanted me to sit there with him and watch, to validate, to see how skilled he is. And I had to smile to myself - such a little boy way he said it. So I stayed and watched and punctuated with appropriate ooohs and ahhhs until I felt it was safe to take a breather from the dramatic plastering and go upstairs for a few minutes.
NG is the same, except he does not ask, he expects me to read his mind. Aaargh. And pre dbing, I was just not observing enough to figure out what he needed. But here is my problem, I like to parallel process, and just sitting quietly, just being, is sometimes simply beyond me. I like to think its an acquired skill and that I'm getting better, but golly, I do have some moments with the whole QT thing
More power to you, J, in figuring out what works. Slowly
I love the companionship of someone when I am working on a project that is physical, like home improvement. At work, even when I know the answer and know what to do I like to have another nurse there when doing certain procedures, more for moral support. One of my fondest memories of Nicorrette is when we could lie in the big hammock, head to feet, each of with our laptops writing away ( she for work and me for school). Husband does not seem to like or want companionship most of the time and rarely seeks it out. It would be odd for him to say, come sit here and watch this with me. Interestingly, he sent me the results of his LL and it is supposed to be Quality Time, and physical touch, the two things he is LEAST willing to give me or the kids. I am guessing he is more WOA, and I try to sneak them in there when possible.
Desdamona
Arguing with reality is like trying to teach a cat to bark—hopeless. (Byron Katie)
Hi Stubborn, I don't mind the hand-holding, or the loud affirmations of Daddy to baby. I guess I'm needy in my own ways, and I shouldn't begrudge or judge someone else's neediness, though my wicked side thinks it's awfully childLIKE (I narrowly avoided childISH) to want someone to watch you - reminds me of my sister's (step)kids at the pool: "Daddy, watch this! Daddy, watch me jump! [Sister's name], look at me do a handstand! Watch me do a flip! I can jump really high, watch!" ad infinitum. But I can also recognize that there is a deep wound under there somewhere - somewhere he did not get the attention he needed and is stuck somewhere in the "Look at me!" phase of childhood. I see it in the connection he has with my FF with whom I feel he acts inappropriately sometimes - he wants to show her everything he's made, like a little kid showing off his latest coloring book endeavor (Look! I can stay in the lines!). If I can swallow my distaste for a 41-y-o man acting like a 5-y-o (and I can, to a point), then I can give him what he needs, and maybe even what he needs to move beyond the phase entirely.
Slowly, I hear ya. Sitting idly by sometimes makes me nuts. I've learned, though, that a warm body is often all it takes, and if the warm body happens to be quietly engaged in something else, like reading or working a crossword puzzle, then it doesn't take away from the QT.
Desdamona, welcome to my thread! Thank you for coming over. It is sort of like together but separate, isn't it? Working on laptops, but working on different things; or reading the paper together, each engaged in his own section; or sitting in chairs in the loving room, one quietly reading while the other scratches away at the crossword. I think al ot of people's difinition of QT is different, though. Does your H say what it means to him?
I had planned to update post-T, but I'll do that later. I'm exhausted from all the working and emotional turmoil, and feeling a nap coming on.
Hi Jennifer, Just wanted to say that my H is the "watch me while I work" variety too. I never thought as to why that is...I just figured he felt lonely or bored when I was gone and liked the company. Perhaps you can reframe it to something less negative than a needy child and you will feel better about it. I don't do it all the time but a little goes a long way, it seems.
Good luck! I found your thread from reading your replies to SD and thought I'd chime in with an opinion. Unless it is so distasteful to you, I'd chalk it up to a personality quirk (he likes the company) and go from there.
Jennifer, I wonder if there's an offshoot of the WOA LL -- Affirming Acts. Seems to me that S. wants you to admire him, as if he's seeking affirmation of an essential part of him. Seems to me he wants you there, present and affirming.
Maybe there's something there for you to learn, too. I've found that when I have a reaction like "Oh, that's so childish!" it usually means there's something there for me to examine.
I think it's Debbie Ford's work:
- Why have I drawn this experience to me at this time? - What is this experience trying to teach me? - How can I use this experience to make me a better person?
I'll look forward to the "after T" update. 
You might be surprised to hear that he wants you to wake him when she's extra active during the night. I know I didn't want to miss any more than Nature decreed that I would.
Slowly
I am guessing he is more WOA, and I try to sneak them in there when possible.