My husband walked out over two years ago and after much effort on my part to save the realtionship i finally called it a day and filed for divorce. Its pretty much done now and i've built a new life with my son and i've even started seeing a great new guy. Six months after my split, my husband announced he was marrying a friend of ours! Needless to say it really hurt me. Every now and then i hear gossip about the forthcoming marriage and every time it really depresses me. I am so tired of being hurt by him. I dont love him, i dont want him back anymore so why does it still make me cry myself to sleep sometimes???? Help!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe even though you don't love him anymore, you still love who he used to be and the R you used to have? It seems that divorce is like mourning a death, the death of a very important part of your life. Perhaps you still mourn that death and I would say that would be entirely normal, especially since you didn't want things to be that way. I feel for you, your post tugged at my heart. Two years seems like a really long time and it is. But with each passing day, your feelings will probably continue to subside. Try to focus on all the positives you have in your life, repeat your blessings in your head and be grateful for every good thing you have in your life. It always helps me to believe that things work out exactly the way they are meant to be.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Sorry you fnd yourself here.I'm sure it hurts to hear about the ex.I know it would me.I'm lucky in that I never hear much since he moved to another state.Thats detachement for ya.
Letting go isnt an all at once precess.It falls away bits and pieces at a time.Thats how time heals.One thing at a time.
Two years isn't that long at all.Sometimes it feels like it is forever and others it feels like minutes.
I'm two years into this and for the most part life is good again.I have down days.But they dont last very long.
One of the things that is hardest for me is when I dont have anything to do.I find I have to be busy all the time.
Maybe finding something to do when you are hit with something that hurts.
Maybe have a backup plan for when your hurting.Someone to call.It may be something as simple as learning to knit.I tried that.Not as easy as I thought.
In other words you have to prepare for your down times.
The bombs do get smaller.Soon they wont even be a firecracker.
Take care.
Later Friend. Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
If you believe in my 'electron theory' of love...we share electrons with the people closest to us, and even tho the 'feeling' of love may go (especially as it is related to trust) we may always have those shared electrons linking our spirits forever.
And since you said you have a son together...well, you will always feel 'connected'. So after all the hurt he cause you, hell no you don't want to see him marry ...a friend yet. Which certainly gives pause as to what they were doing behind your back when you were married. It's the feeling that maybe we were being lied to for a long long time, don't ya think?
When I think of my X, I think that when we were together that I brought out the best in him for many years. When he went off with the HO....they were so LOW together, that I remembered my dear mama talking about water seeking its own level...I think the WAS needs to hook up with someone that takes the low road with them. I don't think they can maintain the high road we expected of them, and to preserve the image they still carry around of themselves,they need to hang with people that will support the lie.
Oh well, just MHO.
Don't worry if it makes you feel bad..you don't have to feel happy for a WAS!!!! Let him suck eggs. gd
Its so reassuring to know that what i'm feeling is in some way normal. Friends and family are so desperate for me to be "ok" that sometimes i feel i have to hide my sadness and feign happiness! I couldn't even tell them why i'm down, i just feel betrayed i guess.
Like most people, i got married thinking it was for life and never thought for one minute that it could have shelf life. I devoted ten years to H and by moving on so quickly it feels like none of it meant anything to him. What happened to him mourning??? I guess i still have a lot of bitterness and resentment to work through. And i feel guilty cos i have this great new guy and i'm still crying over the last one. We're taking thngs slow and he's really understanding but i know he would be devastated if he knew i was still hung up on my divorce.
I've tried to keep busy and i do remind myself of everything i've achieved in the last two years. Maybe part of the problem is that i want to be "over it" so much that i've previously suppressed the pain and it just surfaces when i least expect it.
My overwhelming thought most of the time is when will this nightmare end? Do i really have to spend the rest of my life dealing with his betrayal???
Quote: . I devoted ten years to H and by moving on so quickly it feels like none of it meant anything to him. What happened to him mourning??? I guess i still have a lot of bitterness and resentment to work through.
I know what you mean. It was 16 years for me. STBX was immediatley involved w/ OM (they were just friends - yeah right) moved out of our home & in less than 6 months bought & moved into OM's house. WTF. I think they do that - move on quickly- in an attempt to bury thier own feelings of guilt & pain and to try to make themselve happy instead of just being happy with themselves.
I still have the anger at times & struggle with not letting it turn into bitterness. I have a child with this person & will have to deal with her for a long time so I try to not let her get to me. Not always successful but I am getting better at it. Evidently the old adage of it getting better with time is true. But just how much time do we need to get past these feeling? I don't know but it sure seems to take a long time for me and you've been at this longer than I have. I feel for you sweetie.
Quote: I've tried to keep busy and i do remind myself of everything i've achieved in the last two years. Maybe part of the problem is that i want to be "over it" so much that i've previously suppressed the pain and it just surfaces when i least expect it.
Yep - been there & doing that. I have done and accomplished a lot in the past year - but for some reason it just doesn't seem to be enough to heal the past hurt & allow me to let go totally.It seems the smallest things can trigger a set back in PMA and get me dwelling again. The hardest part for me is missing my family. I usually backslide on holidays and when I see other families doing family things together. Not all of the time but suddenly it will just hit me. I miss and want to be a part of a family again - something greater than just me. But then I realize that just me & D13 are a "family" too & that I have to make the best of what I have & not long for something that I don't. If I keep doing that I will never put this behind me, the anger will still be there & just feed upon itself until it starts to just eat me up.
I have no great words of wisdom for you, But as you know the people here undersdtand what you are going through and are here for you.
I'm sending happy thoughts your way today.
Take care.
I can certainly relate to your feelings...I think ALL of us LBS's can.
I think we need to be reminded -
a) Our happiness is up to us; WE have sought to find it within ourselves and come here for affirmation - The WAS...the difference is that the WAS is looking to the OW/OM to do it for them. They, at one point may have been looking to US to make them happy and when it didn't happen, they moved on... and they will continue to either keep searching for something or someone and keep moving on or keep being miserable. Either way, we LBS's I think are better off without them - at least our quality of life goes up (in my case).
b) The WAS has received what they deserve. (similar to water seeking its' own level) In my case I can now see that I changed or minimized what my expectations were (I settled?) for XH because he was one of the few that were within my age range and available. I understand now that I was too available for XH - he didn't have to work to court me, nor keep me - I was that in love with him. We spent 14 years together. HIS quality of life at the time "stepped-up" and since he's been gone (4 years) MY quality of life has gone up...GO FIGURE! I used to tell my kids "you are who you hang with" and it is SO true!
I will say though, that I have a similar reactive point when it comes to XH. I typically don't see him when he comes to pick up BK...that last time I did see XH it was difficult. I was outside working on my garden (wearing jean short-skir and tee, all sweaty & baseball hatted ) when XH pulled in driveway...he couldn't see that I was out there when he pulled in because JL's truck was in the way...XH walked around the vehicle to go to the door and knock - and there I was. He froze in his tracks (don't know why) and when I turned around to see who was standing behind me, our eyes met (this was a first in 2 years - at his mom's funeral) his brow instantly wrinkled up like a sharpei dog's skin and he had that look of guilt or sadness or something...he asked if BK was ready to go...I told him that he had JUST gotten in the shower (XH is HORRIBLE at giving the kid any time to get ready) so XH said he would come back in a little while. I can tell you, it sent me reeling for about an hour - the fact that he was in MY driveway with OW (I don't want him back, I wouldn't do that to myself again) but it made me wonder why do I have these feelings? It made me wonder "why the sad/guilt look", and frankly I don't want to spend ANY time wondering ANYTHING about that guy. It wore me out for 3 years!
The choices we make in our life are ours to make - but sometimes we need to reflect on where we were or WHO we were with in order to determine where we're heading.
I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't. I still struggle over my D even though I am with a wonderful and loving woman who cares for me very much. She too would be hurt to know that I sometimes wish that my previous M had been saved.
But you know what, I think this is normal. Well, at least I certainly hope so. I think that when someone hurts us we tend to take longer to heal. I also think that we tend to remember all the good things about the M and we idealize it with thoughs of "what could have been if only the following had not happened...". We also idealize our ex-spouse by remembering the ideal moments. Sometimes when I think of "how much better" we could have been if we had worked things out I get depressed. It is at that point that I work hard to remember just how bad the situation was at the end and how I really had no choice but to do the things that led to a D. Sometimes I think it is a control thing - like I wish that person still loved me. Well, they don't and the truth hurts. And that hurt takes a long time to go away, but it does for everyone. We all know it gets better, just takes time. So be forgiving to yourself for feeling bad about your D - it was and continues to be a very tough period in your life.
) when XH pulled in driveway...he couldn't see that I was out there when he pulled in because JL's truck was in the way...XH walked around the vehicle to go to the door and knock - and there I was. He froze in his tracks (don't know why) and when I turned around to see who was standing behind me, our eyes met (this was a first in 2 years - at his mom's funeral) his brow instantly wrinkled up like a sharpei dog's skin and he had that look of guilt or sadness or something...he asked if BK was ready to go...I told him that he had JUST gotten in the shower (XH is HORRIBLE at giving the kid any time to get ready) so XH said he would come back in a little while. I can tell you, it sent me reeling for about an hour - the fact that he was in MY driveway with OW (I don't want him back, I wouldn't do that to myself again) but it made me wonder why do I have these feelings? It made me wonder "why the sad/guilt look", and frankly I don't want to spend ANY time wondering ANYTHING about that guy. It wore me out for 3 years!