Our MC basically tells me that there really is not a good reason and that I'm trying to find logic in something that's not logical. He thinks basically she was needy and he needed to be needed. Plain and simple. Well, I find that whole concept ridiculous. I feel there's more.
As you all know, I've struggled and struggled with a decision to stay in my marriage. My marriage was full of lies, deception and not anything that I wanted in a marriage. I know life isn't fair and sometimes we have to hold our marriages together for all sorts of reasons - children, history, financial support - none of which I have. So you see there is no bond, no glue, nothing. I don't see myself ever getting beyond the A, it is just a complete deal breaker for me. I tried to overlook it and tried to make my marriage work, but the indecisivenss is killing me, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I must come to a resolution and a closure real soon and it doesn't look hopeful when I think of our M healing. I will heal, but our M is dead. As much as I love my H, being with him reminds me of his lies and deceptions and I can't live with it. I think you have to come to a point when you ask yourself "what is it that you can live with and what is it that you can't live with". I've decided, I can't live with the A, the lies, the deception, etc. from someone who was a newlywed and everything was good. Our M wasn't stale or boring. It was new, fresh and good. There is no excuse for what he did except that he has major character flaws and I don't want to deal with them. I hope I'm making some sense. Please comment if you think I'm making a mistake.
Peace, a little. I feel empty, I feel sad, I feel like a failure, I feel like I've been defeated. I am totally crashing and burning. I can't stand being with myself at this point. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal, I'm just in a grieving state because I know how bad I wanted this marriage to work, but it's not happening for me and I have got to move beyond this M before I can truely feel whole again. This, my friends, is the hardest thing I've ever done. To love someone as much as I loved my H, to give my M everything that I could give and yet it wasn't enough. I have nothing inside but total disgust in myself because I was not able to "get over it" and "let it go". What is wrong with me? Why can't I be like the others on this board? I hope that one day I'll find those answers. I just pray that I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life.
Peace, comes from understanding, and since I can't understand why I'm not able to get over my H's A, peace is hard to come by. But I'm trying to find it!
Quote: I just had a talk with my daughter (23), pre-med, very practicle in her thinking and very wise for her age (I'm proud of her, okay). Anyway, she told me that she cannot stand my H (her stepdad), does not trust him, nor wants anything to do with him. She further said that when she has children, she would NEVER allow her child to be in the same room with him because she thinks he is a pervert. By the way, she thought this about him before I married him, not sure why other than she thinks he is sneeky and has a warped sense of life. However, she accepted him because I loved him. One more thing I have to add, HIS children said that they don't trust him either, he says one thing and does another.
Trust their judgement - they are seeing him objectively, you aren't. (Oh, and get your daughter to approve any guys you date in the future, okay?).
Just a question. Should I trust the judgment of a 23 year old? Damn it, I hate this crap. I know what's best for me and yet I can't find the courage to do it? Why is that?
I haven't followed your sitch, so I may be speaking out of line here, but I feel that you still love your H. All of the feelings you have are normal, but don't base a decision on just what you are feeling. Read this article (heck, read the whole website) and think about everything before you make a move to divorce:
Bryan
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Thank you. I have turned to God but my H says he isn't interested in that. He said that we were going down two different paths. He is not being led by God, nor is he seeking counsel from God. I feel as though there is no hope.
This is terrific news! And the most important step that you can take yourself. Please continue on this path, NO MATTER what happens with your marriage!
Quote: He said that we were going down two different paths.
Yes, you are right now. As are my W and I. Sometimes this must happen. What you do not know is whether those paths come back together further up the path...
Quote: He is not being led by God, nor is he seeking counsel from God.
The WAS never is...if they were, they wouldn't be a WAS!! Even when they think they are being led by God, they are not (long explanation).
Quote: I feel as though there is no hope.
There is always hope! You have taken the most important first step!
Bryan
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I called my MC yesterday and went to see him - alone. I explained to him that I have come to the realilzation that I'm co-dependant. I don't think I love my H, just fearful of being alone. He asked if I loved the man or do I love what the man brought into the R such as memories, companionship, etc. I am thinking about this. Sometimes I feel as though I analyze everything, I think too much. with that said however, I don't think with my H's character and if I met him today, didn't know much about him, would I date him? I don't think so because we would be traveling in two different directions. Then on the other hand, I think if I let him go I'll be making a big mistake and would possibly let a blessing slip through my fingers. Again, I am totally co-dependant. I don't believe I love the man, I love the thought of loving the man. I believe that my M is nearing the end. Not because we didn't try, but because I don't want it. It's too much for me to handle and God said that he would not give us more than we can handle with a way of escape. Well, adultery is my escape from a M that was never meant to be. It was born in sin and it has died in sin. I haven't quite given up, I'm still holding on and trying to be patient and let God guide me. I don't want to jump into a decision without "testing the spirit" and I think only time will help me with that.
My H is sick and tied of all of this but he'll have to find his own peace, I'm now working on me, not the R, not the M, I'm not trying to change him, I'm trying to change me and then I think God can take the lead rather than me trying to lead God.
