Well of course, as soon as I said it, I wished it could be retracted. He looked shell shocked, but recovered quickly and changed the subject. Lord, where did that come from? I've been so good at deflecting my thoughts away from the a, to be honest it knocked me for six too. Sigh.
{{{{{{{{{{{{Slowly}}}}}}}}}}} You will occasionally have a weed in the garden. Pull it out and toss it. Don't tend it and let it grow into more than it was. Cost/benefit ratio of all the times you have deflected vs 1 oops. Perhaps it is a reminder to keep up on the DBing. You do this so well. It has become part of who you are. I have benefitted from your wisdom and am slowly learning from your example of patience. I need that... I like it that he did the rescue...quick change of subject... nice save wasn't it. Maybe he is learning too! Midwest
Unfortunately, I am D, my ex is still living with OW and I am trying to sell our dream (nightmare)home. But things are otherwise (lol) going well.
Yes, the R between Nate and Brenda is awful... but Nate never did grow up, or be committed to any of his relationships. I don't know where a man goes to learn commitment... it is a true rarity.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Hi all - Thank you for your feedback, I've just been sitting with them for a while. Quite a lot has happened since my little faux pas. Let me see if I can do a decent job journaling my journey.
Sage, your observations are as always, right on the money. NG and I are still on different paths in terms of how we deal with the affair, and its consequences.
Quote: For me it's always something that's so darned resonating of "that time" and I think part of my reaction is because HE just doesn't hear it.
It seems like I want to remember it so that the contributing factors are prevented, and NG just seems to want to forget it ever happened It may be part of his defence mechanism, I have seen him deploy denial in other relationships when he feels unable to cope with the enormity of what unfolds.
Over the weekend, we made the decision to make room for a live-in housekeeper. Cooking and cleaning has been a chore, one that I used to undertake with some resentment (after all, I go out to work and did not see why I was cooking while the other party was sitting on the couch watching tv ) Well, NG totally rose to the occassion and organised all the paperwork. We have some nervousness about our privacy, this will be the first time in 22 years that we have someone else living with us, but I have to say, I did get the feeling from NG that he understands how hard it has been keeping the house and work balanced.
This means I will have some time to pursue the post grad course I've been wanting to. Going back to school, even on a part time basis is such a dream, I'm thrilled I'm going to be able to pursue this. In the past NG has thrown up numerous objections, this time, I'm just going ahead. I have 6 weeks to enrol and choose my modules. Philosophy has been a fascination for a while, and my thesis idea at the moment is to explore how online communities are changing the way knowledge and communal support works
Funny how I had lots more churning through my head while shopping for grocery just now, and it seems to have evaporated now Back later.
This is all wonderful news, especially your studies! Great that you're taking charge and just doing what you've been wanting to do. And way to go NG for stepping up to the plate on a housekeeper (on the opposite end of the spectrum, S. just nixed my plea to keep my once-a-week housekeeper when we move into the new place ).
H2H - Your are on our side of the pond this week, how fabulous I just wish there was time to meet, NG and I are both so swamped with work its not funny Hence the posts at apparently odd times, we seem to be up all night these days.
Quote: It seems to me that NG has never really wanted to talk much about that time, and that you would like to. You've been great at marching to his rhythm, but sometimes I think you should get a chance at picking the pace . . .
You would think its time, no? Next Monday marks one year since he sent the 'termination' email to ow, and I have to say, my gentle probing indicates this is still a no-go area. I can wait - our life is progressing nicely, and one outburst which we both recovered from is not too bad. I'm happy to have all the ducks lined up, and things seem to be going to plan, with the housekeeper, the post grad course. Next is fixing some financial issues, which may be a little more tricky. These are all loose ends that make NG and I behave in a more fused manner than we should, and I'd like to slowly change all that.
Sometimes I feel like I am in a new relationship. Not because he has changed, but because I have. In a strange way, the affair seems to have made a bigger difference to me than it has to him, all he can see is the relationship, he has not, it seems, come out of this experience with much difference. He seems to be working hard to going back to what he was, while I am working hard at changing those things I did not like about me. Anyone else see this in their piecing drama?
Quote: H2H - Your are on our side of the pond this week, how fabulous I just wish there was time to meet, NG and I are both so swamped with work its not funny
Me too! I'm here in meetings all day - ugh! But it looks like I'll have to return next month, and again before the end of the year - so perhaps some other time we can both find some free slot for a cuppa tea.
I'm still having a bit of trouble getting to sleep at a decent hour over here!
Quote: He seems to be working hard to going back to what he was, while I am working hard at changing those things I did not like about me. Anyone else see this in their piecing drama?
Hmmm...maybe I need to start a new thread on Piecing.
Happy Saturday everyone NG and I have declared this weekend as 'de-cluttering time' for us - our spare room, laptops and files. It means we both get lots of personal time, while being in the same room. Every now and then, we seem to need this type of time
NG continues to work from home when he is not travelling, as do I, which makes for a LOT of time together. I honestly cannot see how he could fit in another relationship given the amount of time he chooses to be right in front of me. He also talks to me a LOT about his work, sometimes in too much detail, but it is quite interesting so I'm OK with it. This is such a change from normal, in all our years together he has not really felt inclined to discuss about his work day.
However, the romance is still missing, though I'm quite content that we may just need more time. He holds me all night in bed, the ML is good, regular and intense , and so I figure the rest will follow given time. Sometimes it just feels like a long time coming . And yes, we do not talk about the affair, OW or how he now feels. Its like still too painful.
Upon reflection, I have to say, I'm happier now than I have been in more than 20 years. The worst that I thought could happen to us did, and we seem to have pulled through it. Personally, I understand myself better, and at least know where I need to put more work so I have fewer 'difficulties' - being content does seem to be a skill that can be developed.
My goals for the next couple of weeks are:
+ get stuck into the KLA CDs and workbook + file my application for the post grad course (still feels a bit scary, its a huge commitment, but worth it I think) + continue to make NG confortable that he opens up more, especially about his family
Hi Slowly - Sounds like you and NG had a productive weekend on more than 1 front
Was NG very romantic before the A? Are you wanting him to act like he did previously or is this new romantic behaviour you would like to see?
Do you think his love tank is running low and that is why he's not being romantic? What are his LL? For me, my H is big AOS so when I go on a big cleaning sprint he seems to give me the QT I desire. Gee, maybe I should have been decluttering this weekend too?!
Your goals sound great Any ideas about how to make NG feel more comfortable about opening up and discussing his family? What has worked before?
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
) Well, NG totally rose to the occassion and organised all the paperwork. We have some nervousness about our privacy, this will be the first time in 22 years that we have someone else living with us, but I have to say, I did get the feeling from NG that he understands how hard it has been keeping the house and work balanced. 
Back later. 
I just wish there was time to meet, NG and I are both so swamped with work its not funny 
NG and I have declared this weekend as 'de-cluttering time' for us - our spare room, laptops and files. It means we both get lots of personal time, while being in the same room. Every now and then, we seem to need this type of time 
, and so I figure the rest will follow given time. Sometimes it just feels like a long time coming 
Any ideas about how to make NG feel more comfortable about opening up and discussing his family? What has worked before?