Hi Karen! Are we going to get a chance to meet, finally? Won't that be GREAT!?!
The heat has been unbearable. It always gets hot here in the summer, and I have always been able to handle it because, I am a teacher, and I am USUALLY on VACATION! So it doesn't matter that the heat takes everything out of me and makes me move as slow as a slug and all I want to do is siesta!
BUT this summer I am so BLEEPING BUSY! and I have to THINK! and it is TOO HOT! and I don't have AC! Tho I may break down and buy a room unit later today!
Fortunately it cools down at night and the early AM is quite comfortable, chilly even! So this is what saves me and this is when I get my writing done...unless I am playing hookey and posting on the board!
Talk to you soon, SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
You know how it gets here in the summer. So muggy that you can cut it with a knife and there is never even a cool down at night. I just say Bless the person who invented central air! I don't care how much my bills is, a good nights sleep is so worth it to me.
So will you be an empty nester when your daughter goes to school? I'm just not sure if your son lives at home as a communter student. I'm getting kind of excited. I have 1 more year with my youngest daughter and then she is off to college. Not so long ago I never thought that I would feel this way but now I see it as an adventure for me. My whole world will change and who knows where that will lead. I guess I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be..........
It is good to be back in my humble California Ranch Tract Home! The teenagers did not burn down the house while I was gone! And in fact everything looked great. The kids did a nice job of supporting each other, S cooked meals for D as he is on vacation and she is working several jobs. I was helping out my sister who had surgery last week and I had forgotten what it is like to have 2 little ones under the age of 10 to take care of! LOL ! It is exhausting! (Sis is fine, btw)
It was fun to see my family tho, haven't seen my mom or my other sis in 2 years. My mom is interesting to hang out with. 77 yrs old, chain smokes and drinks like a fish. One of the things I did that my sister usually does is buy my moms groceries and monthly liquor supply. 1 1/2 gallons of "Old Fitzgerald" and 3 bottles of vermouth! But believe it or not she has a sharp mind and a sharp wit...and a few "Personality quirks" In spite of her terrible lifestyle, she remains reasonably healthy...to the astonishment of her children!
I was reading David Sedaris the other day. In one of his books he has an essay called, "A Plague of Tics" where he talks about his OCD. He states that most of his symptoms went away when he started smoking! I really think that explains my mom...she is a bit OCD...I think I have mentioned how we 3 girls get alarmed at her "Howard Hughes" like behaviour sometimes.
In any event, she is my Mom. And I, as the oldest, have always had an extremely difficult time getting along with her. So much so, that I moved away at a very young age. I was 17 when I moved to Colorado, which is about a 2 day drive from Chicago. We have never been close, there has always been some fundamental differences in how we view the world. I think her obsessive worrying really turned me off, for example. She would worry about the most ridiculous things, but then she would worry about normal things as well. As a child I could not distinguish between the reasonable worries and the crazy ones, so I rejected them all. (A crazy worry was that if you opened a car window while driving down the freeway, the air would suck you out the window.) A reasonable worry was that something "bad" would happen to me if I took public transportation into Chicago at night. For all her worrying, she was remarkably reluctant to leave her apartment. From the earliest age, I was sent outside to play, with no supervision. My mom grew up in a very small town in Iowa, and she somehow thought the city of Chicago was just as safe. In 4th grade I was beat up by another girl in the park, in 5th grade mugged by 3 teenagers who stole my purse, and in 6th grade was flashed by a weirdo at the park. The time I was mugged by the 3 teenagers, I was astonished by the fact that there were adults all over the place, and no one did anything. This was at the Lincoln Park Zoo. It was obvious that these 3 much bigger kids were intimidating the smaller kids, and they grabbed my purse and ran. I shouted, "Stop, thief!" just like in the movies, but no one did. We bummed a dime from someone to call the police. I thought that was what you did when you were robbed...but this being Chicago, and us being little kids, all the police did was give us a ride to the edge of their district, instead of the extra 20 blocks that would have gotten us home.
ANYWAY...
In spite of all that, I have always wanted my Mom's approval. Don't we all? And I FINALLY after 48 years have it. For the first time in my life, she has told me that she admires me and is impressed by me. None of my other accomplishments have meant anything to her...but now that I am in grad school and handling the kids and managing this difficult time so well, she is impressed.
And you know what? It feels good to have that now, in my life!
SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Yeah, that humidity is a killer! If I lived in the Midwest I would not have held out against the AC for so long....
My son claims he will be moving out in October. He is 19, so that is fine with me. If (and notice I said "if" ) he does, then I will be an empty nester.
I have mixed feelings. I love my kids and I really enjoy them as people. I will definitely miss them! But all it takes is for me to walk into the messy bathroom, or find dishes at the computer or in the living room, or find socks all over the place, and I start to think that living alone will be JUST FINE!
Between now and December I will be incredibly busy with school. I still have to finish up 6 units this summer, then 6 more in the fall, which will include my research project, my portfolio, and mentoring a colleague in educational technology! If I can pull all that off I graduate Dec. 16th!
So I think if I can keep my nose to the grindstone I will be too busy to miss my darlings. After December, tho it will be a whole 'nother ball game.
I suppose I will be busy trying to find a "real" job!
I actually enjoy living alone...We will see what happens. If you want, we can start a support group for empty nesters!
See you in October! SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Quote: And you know what? It feels good to have that now, in my life!
Oh SG! This whole thing brought tears to my eyes! I am sooo happy that you were able to get that approval from your mom! You are so right, it dosnt matter how old we are, thats what we seem to crave! We do, our children do, in fact I think its somethign that lays deep inside of my STBX w/ his mother.
You know she loves you ,,but its so nice to hear, I do it all the time w/ my mom, we are pretty close, but there are times!! grrrr lol but I always want her approval.
I did laugh though at the part where you yelled Stop Thief! how cute you must of been.
Well that was nice to read fist thing in the a.m. Thankyou
I want more then ever to meet you now! you are a pretty darn cool chick!
** Karen **
** Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life **
SG, I loved your post also. I was always looking for approval from my dad. I must have gotten it at some point because his will stated that if anything happened to him and his wife, their son would come to me. I was so surprised to find that out!!!
I'm going to try really hard to make it to the CA party. I'm dieing to meet both you and Karen.
Hey SG, You are so right about children are always seeking approval from their parents, I know I do. My parents are amazed on how well I am handling my pending divorce. The only thing that I am happy about is that I haven't done anything to be ashamed of...at least not yet. I am a self proclaiming daddy's girl and would never do anything that may upset my parents.
Jill, My dad told me the same thing! I have a 12 year old little sister whom I love to death, but I just pray to God that she never have to move in with me! Cheryl
Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
Shakespeare
Time again to get out of the basement...I have very little to talk about these days...school/work/career is going great I am really enjoying my studies, getting involved in cutting edge research that has to do with video/technology and education. Meeting leaders from around the state who are in my field. AND staying VERY busy.
I haven't actually talked to or seen H since I returned from Chicago! It feels great, really. I have been SO overwhelmingly busy with school that I haven't had a chance to do the time-consuming running down of paperwork for the actuarial evaluation. But I will do that week after next, when school is done. I get a very short break, then back in the thick of things...My hours have increased from 25 to 38 for next year. Plus I get lots of professional growth credit from all the school I have been doing...so I should see a significant raise in my income.
D and I go to SLO the weekend after Labor Day. Definately mixed feelings there, I will miss her I am sure, but I think it will simplify my life to some extent.
IF every thing goes according to plan, I graduate on DEC 16 TH!!!!!!! Then Look out world!
I have been getting inspired from AG and her sprinkler system and patio...H was so bad with money, we never had anything for home improvement. I now realize that he was probably spending big bucks on OGIRL... He always kept some of his $$ separate...supposedly to go into the kids college fund, but that is woefully low!
So I see changes on the horizon...and none too soon.
Take care all,
SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Some of you may recall that I served My H by mail back in June...Because we are doing mediation, and also because this was stipulated in the papers, the regular 30 day for response didn't apply. I was WAY too busy this summer to deal with anything, anyway...and I think H was too. I just finished all my summer obligations on Friday, and Saturday was my first day of summer vacation... (All you teachers out there can understand when I say this was rough for me to work all summer!)
Last night I was watching a video with S and H called. He wanted to know if he could meet me somewhere and give me the papers. So we arranged to meet at a cafe downtown. I got there a litte early and ordered a salad and a glass of wine. H got there and did the same. We had a pleasant dinner, and chit-chatted about his upcoming hike on Mt. Shasta. He is going next week with a buddy, and he brought along his maps and guide book.
Once dinner was over and the plates cleared we started to talk. H told me that he always thought that he would be able to "step out and then we could reconcile and he could come back" He told me he was sorry for the pain he caused me (again!) He acknowledged how hard it must have been for me to 1) give him the ring back and 2) fill out and serve the papers. He said he was sorry, he didn't mean to drag his feet on this, it was just so hard on him, and he really didn't want a divorce.
I told him that I had been willing to reconcile for a LONG time and I gave him MANY chances, but he had never been able to reach my bottom line, which is no girlfriend. I reminded him of all the times he lied to me about her being out of his life and wanting to make a life with me. Like the time we were in his Mother's house, and he held me and told me, "I choose you" This whole time, H is on the verge of tears, occasionally wiping his eyes, but I am miraculously remaining calm, and firm and steady.
We talked about our lives together. He said he appreciated every thing I have done for us as a family, and how great I was. I asked him if that was the case, why couldn't he drop the girlfriend and make a commitment to me? I told him I ALWAYS gave 100% to him and to our family. and that is what I wanted from him. I wanted a VOW of honesty and commitment, but for some reason, he is/was unable to give that to me. I told him, "You're STILL involved with her! your piano is at her house!" he said, "Aww that is just a consolation prize."
We chatted some more. I told him about another couple we are good friends with who recently separated. H made a rude comment that made me glad I am divorcing him. He said, "what happened, did C get fat? She was starting to put on the pounds." I said, "Yeah, that is a good reason to break up!" but they aren't breaking up, they are in counseling and I have good hopes for them.
H told me that the symbolic thing for us breaking up is the burning the string between two candles that he got the day of our wedding. You know, those candle pairs that are dipped into wax and are on the same wick? H bought a small pair of those on our wedding day. He told me he always imagined them being together until one of us died, and then they would be separated and one burned in memory of the other. He has always kept the candles in a box on his dresser. He had brought the box and candles along so that we could burn them apart.
We walked to the park and talked about the kids. Finally we burned the candles. H gave me a hug, walked me to my car, and that was that.
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Sounds like H has finally got the point. His fantasy of "step out/reconcile/come back" won't be continuing. I can't believe he actually said that to you!
Glad to see STBXH didn't use the potential loophole of not having the 30 day rule apply to protract the proceedings any longer than he did. XW dragged it out so much that I ended up having to do everything to finalize what she started. Oh well, it did get done that way after all.
The symbolic candle burning seems to indicate some real level of acceptance on his behalf. Your post sounds like it qualifies for one of those "Official goodbye stories" found in the thread started by LastResort a short while back (here in Surviving, of course).
You sound real good. How you handled the meeting shows a lot of strength. Still, it has to be kinda tough, so (((((SG))))).
Summer break notwithstanding, perhaps is was better that you were extra busy this summer, maybe helping you through all this that way. Just a thought. But you now have some vacation, right? Go get it! I'm envious....in private postsecondary we go all year round.
In 4th grade I was beat up by another girl in the park, in 5th grade mugged by 3 teenagers who stole my purse, and in 6th grade was flashed by a weirdo at the park. The time I was mugged by the 3 teenagers, I was astonished by the fact that there were adults all over the place, and no one did anything. This was at the Lincoln Park Zoo. It was obvious that these 3 much bigger kids were intimidating the smaller kids, and they grabbed my purse and ran. I shouted, "Stop, thief!" just like in the movies, but no one did. 
We bummed a dime from someone to call the police. I thought that was what you did when you were robbed...but this being Chicago, and us being little kids, all the police did was give us a ride to the edge of their district, instead of the extra 20 blocks that would have gotten us home.
I said, "Yeah, that is a good reason to break up!" but they aren't breaking up, they are in counseling and I have good hopes for them.