It depends what reality you mean. I chatted with a friend (non DB) the other day and she said she and her H got back together after a few years apart. Her reality was that it was over and done with. So one reality is not necessarily another. Reality may not be what we it appears to be today.
When I speak of the discussion, it means talking about issues surrounding a situation. It is not a judgment that a marriage is over or not. Also, it means being open to anything that life has to offer.
I am a firm believer in saving marriages and doing everything possible to save those marriages. And I also believe that someone can give up too quickly. So it is my inclination that it is better to go the extra mile even at time the odds may seem insurmountable. The main thing though is that you live your life according to your beliefs and be true to your inner core.
One of the groups that I attended was through the church. There was a woman there who was divorcing her H. She had given him 28 ultimata (she was very sure about the number) because he was an alcoholic. Her reality was that she was over and done with the marriage. But that is what it took for her. She stood up and said that is that.
My reality is that I am happy. And that is the one of which I am sure.
The boys and I had to go to school for the science fair tonight. We were walking down the hall and I hear one of them say WTF (ie said the actual letter double u, tee, eff). So I asked do you know what that means. The both said yes and that is was on some montage for one of the graduating classes where the kids wrote a quote down or some such thing. All I could do is laugh and thing wow, this WTF stuff sure is getting a lot of miles this week.
Ahhh Yes, Portage lake, frozen until mid July, and the ole fellow pictured is bass breeding area on the bottom is my guess. I too am a much happier person than I ever believed I could be. I took a slightly different route, reverted to some codependent, I wanna be needed behaviour in recent years.....but have emerged....finally from the divorce of 4 years ago. All of us would love a caring, honest loving partner who holds values and integrity to the highest degree. I dare say, as age creeps on, everyone gets a tad bit more cautious and weary of a repeat performance. Maybe less willing to trust, maybe letting events of a current relationship triggering a remembrance and subsequent response from a past bad relationship. I for one, will trust again. It is my nature, but, and this is a big but (as is mine), it will not be a one sided adventure again. Each of us has a right to recieve benefit from a relationship and just not give, give, give. I used to think that was selfish thinking, but have learned it is the only way to stand up for yourself, set safe boundaries out of love, and the dignity and self respect can provide a greater love of partners. Not sure if you followed all that, but the bottom line is what George, Cathy, Cis, Hopeful and other Oldsters have been saying: Take care of yourself and prepare to be on your own. The strength you gain for yourself becomes more appealing to the partner, whether they "bite" or not, you still become a winner for yourself. For the newer folks, please understand that "ho" was used in the most endearing manner and not in the connotation if which Freddie (Wild man) always wished to define it as. So to Big Red Ho, little Sprite Ho, Cheeseho, and so many more left off because of memory jamb, thanks again for growing for yourselves, and for sharing with us that growth, as we are on the same path. Each of us has picked up the other when we went astray. Each of us has reached for the loving, caring hand of the other, and picked them up when asked. In my mind, the time on this board was a wonder which I don't believe I can repeat in my life. Many of you newbies will grow the same way with those in your stage. I remember reading the advice of oldsters when I was new and wondered how in the hell they could possible believe in what they wrote. Now I understand. I was treated as a dog, to be kicked on the way through the door or booted out. As Hawkeye (aka Silo momma corn ho) has stated, maybe we can learn more from the living in the moment as a dog does. So what are you putting in my bowl tonight. Pant, Pant. Tom "Gravy train is a matter of thinking" K
Thank you all. Not a newbie, but wish I would have seen this when I was. I probably wasn't ready then, but tonight I think I finally reached my limit. WTF!
Mel
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Are you sure I didn't say "Act in haste, repent in liesure suits?"
Seriously, I understand what you say about trust. I think for me, it is not so much about trusting another person - that seems the easy part - people are either trustworthy or they are not. My intuition serves me well in that respect. But I find that it is about trusting MYSELF with the ability to handle the shortcomings of another human being. Maybe I'm less tolerant as I get older?
I'd agree with you that all of us would love a caring, honest loving partner who holds values and integrity to the highest degree. And I also believe that there are far worse things than being alone or on your own. We've learned that along the way. It just takes being kicked a few times.
I understand about the codependency issues. I still fight the urge to rescue sometimes. It's nice to be needed for a while but in the long run, I've discovered I'd rather be wanted.
Maybe that's what sometimes bugs me about my dogs - they are awfully needy. LOL
What hijack? I have always thought that if it comes up in the course of the conversation, everything is fair game.
Let's see what you added here - trust, codependency, the ability to live on your own, and wanted to be wanted. That is some of the stuff I expected to hear on this thread.
So please, hijack away, you only further the discourse here.
Your right I do need a new career!! My April books were scheduled to be closed on May 25th...Only have the three small compaines closed. The major companies - who knows! Hell I can't even manage to balance one of my checking accounts!
To make matters worse, it's month end again and I'm craming to get all my May payables paid and the cash in the bank.
There's a finance committee meeting in two weeks and I'm not even close to being ready!!
But, what am I doing today? Answering posts!!
Gigi
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
i truely dont want to start a huge battle by posting here. but i would really like to discuss some things, here on this thread, away from my thread. if anyone feels uncomfortable about me posting here, because it may not be just what you want to hear, i will respect that and go right back to my thread. but if you are open to discussion, i would like to throw my 2 cents in.
I csn't imagine you starting a battle anywhere. Your opinion is as important as ours. We may not agree with your point of view but I've been on different sides of this discussion with you before and have never been treated with anything but respect by you. Just as I have tried to return to you.
You say anything you feel the need to say. There might be some here who disagree but they will certainly show you respect. So, feel safe here, please. Cathy
Please fell free to post. Everything is fair game. Lay out your positions. Back them up and we will give back opionions. The real reason for this forum is to discuss ideas. I started the thread because I wanted to do so away from the particulars of any one situation.
