Always remember this; no matter if your decesion is right or wrong, the bottom line is that your son will love you no matter what. It will take babysteps but lets look at reality here. He is 16 and within two years he is of age to make his own decesions. No one knows the future or can predict what will happen. So look at it that way. He will grow not only mentally but more intelligently as time goes by. Who knows by then, things will change, progress and then you'll look back and say, I made the right decesion. Always follow your heart. You're in my prayers
I agree in letting H come back- as long as he understands his boundaries as a stepfather, not an authority figure; though that can be a very hard thing for even the best parents to figure out.... I also agree that as children they should not be given the right to chose the way things go... this may very well set them up for the belief at some point that things always go their way. ( of course there are a lot of factors in this last statement, but I don't mean for it to be over analyzed...)
I look at it this way: We as parents are responsible for setting a good example for our kids. Is not fixing a marriage and not working together with your spouse a good example? Not really. Instead let's show our kids that in life people have their difference and things that aren't great happen. But none of that means we should give up or run away on people we care about. Let's show our kids that though life hands us difficult situations we can overcome our grudges and learn to love and trust and work together again.
I feel for you. A friend of mine, whom I’ll call Dorothy, has a nice husband and a 16-year old son from a previous relationship. Marcus, the son, is a rather rebellious teenager, and isn’t doing well in school. Rob, her husband, thinks she is “too soft” on the boy and “lets him get away with too much.” He tries to step in and be the “male authority” in the house, make him do his homework, limit his partying/computer time, etc.
Marcus hates Rob, loves his biological father, and deeply resents any “parenting” that Rob attempts to do. Rob, I may add, is a wonderful husband and excellent father to his biological children from a previous marriage.
Marcus has recently run away to a friend’s house because Dorothy hasn’t “kicked her husband out of the house” like he wanted her to. They are currently in gridlock, and heaven knows how it will all turn out.
Now I don’t blame Dorothy for not throwing out her husband – but Rob also made mistakes. His attempts to “strengthen her back” and impose discipline were essentially useless, and only made Markus resentful. I’m a stepparent myself, and I know that it can be difficult sometimes. What I’ve found works is to totally stay out of the “discipline” area – I try to support and be a friend to my stepchildren, but “parenting” belongs to the parents. It isn’t my job to insist they do all their homework, or monitor when they come home at night. These things my husband and their mother have to work out between themselves. They set the rules, and they have to enforce them.
My vote is to let your husband come back home, but to make sure he understands that discipline belongs to you and your son’s father. Easier said than done, I know – but entirely possible. Hang in there.
Quote: Wow! First I'm a little offended that I am putting my son's needs aside "to have a man in my bed". That is a pretty weird thing to say. I did think you made some good points Ellie, but that one was way off base. I think it is hard for someone who isn't in a step family situation to understand this too. My S16 has not had much of a father/son relationship with my H. He has a father and is loyal to him--perfectly natural.
Mollie - didn't mean to offend you. Just wanted to point out that when parents work solely from the point of getting their own romantic needs met, they sometimes ignore their children's very legitimate needs in the process. I think that if your H has never bonded with your son, wants to come in and "make the rules" when, as you say, your son is very responsible and behaving well, your H has not made amends to your son for his betrayal and the inevitable effects it has had on your son and his life - well, I guess my point is, that your son's viewpoint seems legitimate and not just the machinations of a spoiled or selfish child. And I think his feelings deserve as much consideration as the adult feelings. At least a more respectful approach than just "H is moving back and you can move out if you don't like it".
Ellie, ok, then let me laugh about "romantic needs". My H is NOT romantic. That is just funny! Anyway, your clarification of your meaning is appreciated. You bet my son's needs are legit. It would never be the case that I would tell him he has to deal with it or leave. The three of us have to work on this and probably more H and me because S isn't going to want to participate, at least not in the beginning. Yes, H does need to make some kind of a move here. Thanks for your advice and support!
Well, I finally talked to my son. He was REALLY ANGRY! He was throughing the F word all over the place. I told him H and I are married and we want to share our lives and want to live together. I told him I didn't expect anything from him at this point. I told him I did understand and acknowledge his feelings. He said I didn't or I wouldn't do this. I didn't say anymore and left his room. Then he started yelling at me from his room. I couldn't help starting to cry and feeling hopeless. He called his sister and they talked about it--neither of them likes H much. My D21 gave him some advice she had received in counseling 5 years ago about how anger was the secondary feeling and what was really going on was the his feelings were hurt.
He actually came and talked to me about that and calmed down quite a bit. He said he wasn't as angry anymore when he realized why he was angry. I reassured him that I loved him and was always here for him. I told him this was going to be hard for all of us. Sure, it would be easy if we stayed separated--no conflict.
So it is going to be tough and S just asked for some time and even asked to get an appt with C. God, I love this kid!
So H will be coming home this weekend. I am soooo nervous! I'm sure I'll be here alot!
Molliew, I think you did wonderful. As long as you recognized his anger and emotions THEN after him displaying what he did afterwards, that speaks volumes. Even tho his is almost 17, you know he may leave you when he turns 18 based on H returning, so you may have to prepare for that one day Im sure. Here is Z's greed for life I try to live by and think of often...hope it helps you....
Don’t underestimate your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.
Don’t set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
Don’t take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.
Don’t let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you will live all the days of your life.
Don’t give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Don’t be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
Don’t shut out love of your life by saying it’s impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give love; the fastest way to lose love is to hold to it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
Don’t dismiss your dreams; to be without dreams is to be without hope; to be without hope is to be without purpose.
Don’t run through life so fast that you forget not only where you’ve been, but also where you’re going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each and every step of the way.
Thanks, Z! You helped me a lot on this one. I know he may leave when he is 18 but he might have gone with H here or not and that's ok. He has started his life and there is no stopping him now! He is a great kid and I know he is going to do well.
I love your creed. I've been thinking about lots of those things lately. Many of the opposites have been true for me cuz that is the way my family raised me. Part of the reason I am messed up! But I'm working on it.
Pen