I was afraid this would happen. I told my S16 that H and I were thinking of living together again and we wanted to know his thoughts (S16 is not H's son). S16 (almost 17) pretty much shut me down and said no, his life would be miserable and he wants me to wait until he is 18 and he will move out and then I can do whatever I want.
His basic concern is that H will come in and be an authority figure and start telling him what to do. H is not good parent material and has a hard time with being bossy about what he wants. I have told H I don't want S16's life to change if we live together. H said that probably wasn't a problem unless I'm letting S16 get away with something.
S16 pretty much does what he pleases. He does have to keep his room, car and bathroom clean. He gets good grades in school, goes to college part time, plays soccer and is teaching himself guitar. I pretty much don't have to worry about him. He has a good head on.
He says he will think about it, but he doesn't see himself changing his mind. I am going to talk to C about it today. I'm about to give up, but on the other hand should S16 be allowed to decide something like this for me? I don't want him to be miserable but he is very stubborn too.
I'm so close to having my M back--but this could be a real deal breaker. Any advice is appreciated!
This is so hard. I talked to my C yesterday about this. She had lots of questions to make me think. One thing I realized is my H and I have to discuss this more. I've got to find out what he can live with regarding S16. He tells me he understands S16 is a good kid but he has to say something if he isn't doing what is "right". Or if I'm making a decision with S16 that isn't "right". I believe that is pretty judgemental on his part and I need to know if he can give that up.
S16 and I talked a little again last night and he isn't budging. He is very angry and doesn't want anything to do with H. He told me he wouldn't hate me if I decided to have him back but he didn't think he could ever forgive me.
Now I feel I have to choose between the two and it is breaking my heart. I have finally come to the point in my "recovery" that I feel confident that my H and I can make a new life together and he agrees--but this is a huge roadblock that I don't know if we can get past.
I hope none of you have to have this kind of stress added to your already stressful situations.
Quote: Now I feel I have to choose between the two and it is breaking my heart.
Hi Molliew, I want to thank you for replying to my thread first of all. I guess my advice is this to you. I too have two boys 22 and 19, my wife has 3 girls 21, 16, 14. So when my wife wanted to come back to me, she had the same delimma with her D16 asking how would you feel. I too had to ask my boys that question. My boys had the respect and said well its your life dad, whatever makes u happy. He D16 was reluctant but my W said why don't u want me happy? I do and i do for kids and its never enuf. So she had a long talk with her, but her D16 had issues with me but since we have been back, we have become closer because I had to change my ways with her. I never raised girls for one, that alone had to make me think different and be different.
After several conversations and lots of praying we both decided that this is OUR life to live in happiness and not for the children. Children have to respect and understand that they are 1: the kids who will have a life long after we are gone and 2: we are the adults in any situation.
I would tell your S16 to have faith an believe that WE will make a difference and it will NOT be the same as it was and prove it to him. Allow H to prove it as well. I had to finally realize with her kids that I came into her life with expecations of how I thought her kids needed to be rasied and that was so wrong of me. Kids will be kids, they will make mistakes, but I am the adult that needs to learn how to do things differently.
So don't let your heart feel broken. A good book is Dr Phils new one family togetherness..get it!!
Z-thank you so much--you're post made me a little teary eyed! I agree with everything you say and have been told the same by my C. I just feel I've put my S16 through so much. He wants to be my protector and the man of the house and I know that isn't the right role for him in our family. I am afraid of his anger. I don't want to lose him!
I really want my H to be able to "change his ways" with my S too. He doesn't have his own children. He didn't have a good male role model when he was growing up. He doesn't even know where his father is and his step dad abused him. But he has a idea in his mind of how kids and parents "should" behave and he doesn't seem to want to look past that.
He and I have to have more discussion about this and your advice is priceless. Thanks Z!
I know - it is really difficult. But look at it through his eyes. He hasn't been through the whole DBing process like you have. I'm sure he feels, like many kids, that your H cheated on HIM too. And he probably feels that your H no longer has the moral authority to tell him what to do. Add to that the normal alpha-male friction between fathers and sons this age anyway, and the step-parent factor - well, I can't say I blame him. Just because you forgave your H doesn't mean your son will - or that he has to.
And, after all, you are receiving the nice cards and flowery words from your H which make the reconciliation process easier - but what exactly has your H done to reconcile with your son?
I suspect the best approach would be to simply continue dating your H for now. Let S see your H being more responsible (and hopefully H will try to apologize to S for devastating his homelife at such a vulnerable age and for setting such a poor example for S). If S and H reconcile, then H can move in. If they don't, then S will be out of the house on his own in a year and a half, and you can move in with H then.
If your S is really doing all the right things in his life otherwise, and being responsible, I think you really need to respect his feelings on this. After all, he didn't choose any of this.
And if H backs out of the reconciliation because he doesn't have any empathy for the pain he has caused this child? Then he's not man enough for you anyway.
Quote: I know - it is really difficult. But look at it through his eyes.
Totally disagree. One thing I do agree with is a child should have an "opinion" but not to govern what is best for his mother or see how it is thru his eyes. A child should "never" dictate what a parent wants to do. She gave birth and life to that child and it's her life to live according to her needs. He has emotions, yes he is hurt and doesnt want this, but life is not handed to anyone. You take the good with the bad.
Quote: Just because you forgave your H doesn't mean your son will - or that he has to.
And that is his right. If he allows HIS emotions to destroy the happiness of his mother, then he is in the wrong. One, it wasnt or is his situation, 2, he doesnt have to DB anything, he is just a kid. It will take family therapy for all three to overcome the hurt and pains that were proposed on the family, and if the child is still has negative tendecies towards it, then it's the mothers decesion on how she will handle it and him...period!
Quote: Totally disagree. One thing I do agree with is a child should have an "opinion" but not to govern what is best for his mother or see how it is thru his eyes. A child should "never" dictate what a parent wants to do. She gave birth and life to that child and it's her life to live according to her needs. He has emotions, yes he is hurt and doesnt want this, but life is not handed to anyone. You take the good with the bad.
Z - I feel completely the opposite. I feel that a parent's number one obligation is to their child, and that should be more important than getting their needs for romantic fulfillment met. No, children should not be "in charge" or run the household. But too many parents expect their children to just go along with remarriages, step-parents and step-siblings, with no real consideration for what the child is feeling.
I know that in my own (intact) family, my S18 had a lot of problems expressing his anger about his father's affair. While relieved that we had worked it out, he carried a lot of resentment towards my h for his betrayal, and it started to come out in some subtle ways a long time after. Truthfully, my H was so embarrassed by his own behavior, that while he did plenty to make it up to me, he really didn't pay enough attention to repairing the damage he had done to his R with the kids by falling off the pedestal.
I think to tell a 16 year old boy he should just welcome back his stepfather because it makes his mother happy, with no acknowledgment of the pain HE has suffered due to this betrayal, would be putting her need to have a man in her bed ahead of her obligation to give her son a good home.
I'm sure that son can be brought around IF H will put the required effort into his R with his stepson. But I think the obligation is on H to repair it, not on S to just shut up and put up.
Quote: I feel that a parent's number one obligation is to their child, and that should be more important than getting their needs for romantic fulfillment met.
Rightfully o you have your opinion. Man Dr Phil would love you..LOL... If you have any spirituality in you, then you know by the word, that GOD that comes first, then your spouse, then your kids. Just because your child came from your womb, doesnt mean you owe that child that type of obligation. As a parent, you raise them hopefully with good morals and values and respect your decesion. Its more than just a romanctic fullfillment she is seeking here anyway. She is talking about reconcilling a LIFE LONG commitment. She will always me the mother to her son and long after she is gone, the son is still living with his life the way he see's fit.
Quote: But too many parents expect their children to just go along with remarriages, step-parents and step-siblings, with no real consideration for what the child is feeling.
Where does the child have a say so in this statement? The child has an emotional feeling. He says, I like it or I don't like it. He has no say so. He deals with it. If he did, then he is the adult and the parent is the child for listening. Have you read Relationship Rescue and Family Togetherness by Dr Phil? Good books!!
Wow! First I'm a little offended that I am putting my son's needs aside "to have a man in my bed". That is a pretty weird thing to say. I did think you made some good points Ellie, but that one was way off base. I think it is hard for someone who isn't in a step family situation to understand this too. My S16 has not had much of a father/son relationship with my H. He has a father and is loyal to him--perfectly natural.
I agree it is my life and I do acknowledge my son's feelings. Always have,to the point of getting in between him and my H trying to control their feelings toward each other. One of the reasons our M got into trouble.
I haven't read Dr.Phil's book yet but my friend has it and thinks it is great too.
I would love for my H and S to go to counseling but right now my S16 would refuse and he is too big for me to make him go. My H and I have been to counseling when my D was in trouble. We had family counseling in our home and my S refused to particpate then--he was about 11 at the time. My H doesn't want to go to C right now either.
I'm leaning toward telling my S that H is coming back but it is going to be sooooo hard!
