It just seems to me there is something going on with him. Either phyically or mentally. Would he consider going to counseling with you? NOT having a physical and emotional relationship with your spouse is NOT normal. You should read some of the other threads in this BB and get some hints on talking to your H. Obviously what you have been doing is not working. Hope you get some answers soon.
It could be something as simple as him replacing the physical abuse with mental abuse in an effort to continue controlling the relationship. That is just too mean and selfish for you to endure. Time to put together some short term, attainable goals. One should be an exit strategy. Mental abuse can be just as damaging and debilitating as physical. You are too young as you say to be saddled with this type of relationship unless additional caring and counseling is involved.
Quote: What is it that you want to hear from the people here? You seem to be in 'get out' mode. Yet you are here. Why?
She answered that question in her first post, "is anyone here in the same shoes as me?" She is tired of feeling so alone with this horrible situation... I understand that perfectly.
If you want to talk more about the situation just to get it off your chest, please go ahead... it's awful when everything around you seems to say that others are happy in their relationships, and you are harboring this secret.
I would suggest you find counseling for yourself to get up the "oomph" you need to leave him. From what you have said, there doesn't seem to be much worth saving...
There is NOTHING wrong with you for being upset about this situation! When he tells you it is normal for a married couple NOT to have sex, he is wrong. He is misguided, misinformed, and lying. Does he drink or do any other kind of substance?
Corri, he hit me twice. In both cases he refused to admit that what he did was wrong, he said I deserved it. Yes, he threatened me a few times that if I decided to divorce him, he would do everything possible to make the divorce as painful as it can be. There are few things that I can not discuss here, but I do depend on him in a certain way (at least for now). And he uses it against me each time I bring up divorce. Actually, I mentioned "separation" several times, but he wants us either to be together and married, or separate and divorced. He does not agree with temporary separation, which could probably help us to evaluate our relationship from a distance.
My exit plan? I will wait until I no longer depend on him. Thanks God that will happen in a year or so. I will try to remain friends with him, but I am not sure he will want it. He will most likely turn into my worst enemy (his own words).
The thing is I have never been married/divorced before. This is my first marriage, and it went wrong from the very beginning. I never knew what it's like to be happy with a man I love.... Do you know what I consider myself now? His "mother". I take care of him, give him advice, cook and clean, buy food and other things for household... I do everything that a normal mother would do, that explains why we do not have sex:). I do not know what will happen when I meet another man I'll like... Will I ever be able to marry someone without fear that my marriage will fail as my first one? What is it like to be happily married?
Annette, I agree with you. There is something wrong with him, but I do not know what. I tried to talk to him about seeing a therapist, but he refused to discuss it. It is not an option. I went to see a therapist myself once. I cried my eyes out.
Quote: It could be something as simple as him replacing the physical abuse with mental abuse in an effort to continue controlling the relationship. That is just too mean and selfish for you to endure. Time to put together some short term, attainable goals. One should be an exit strategy. Mental abuse can be just as damaging and debilitating as physical. You are too young as you say to be saddled with this type of relationship unless additional caring and counseling is involved.
Quote: Have you ever told him that you will end the marriage if things don't improve?
What did he say to that?
HP
Yes, I told him once (long time ago, when I still cared), that I did not want to spend my life with a man who does not accept physical love. I told him that we might reach a point when I will no longer see him as a sexual partner. His answer was that "It is a challenge that he will have to face" (I remember those words as if it was yesterday).
Quote: but each time he insisted on me coming back to bed with him, since "it is not normal for spouses to sleep in separate rooms" (!!! And not having sex is normal!!!!).
Did you say that to him...or just think it?
With my LDH I've come to learn that much of it is a control issue. I don't know if he's aware he uses it as control, my hunch is he does but he wouldn't admit it.
I noticed though that you mentioned you two separated for a year and he asked you to remain faithful. I guess my reaction if my LDH did that to me was...what's the point?
I have to tell you...there are many things that you're posting that are sending up HUGE red flags for me. Are you sure there's not someone else in the picture?
Quote: Corri, he hit me twice. In both cases he refused to admit that what he did was wrong, he said I deserved it.
Then you said,
Quote: There are few things that I can not discuss here, but I do depend on him in a certain way (at least for now).
You should leave now. If you are strapped for resources, you can contact one of the agencies listed on this web site. Maybe you have a close friend or relative who will take you in until you can get on your own two feet.
You are in danger. Don't try to analyze him. Don't try to analyze yourself, either, at least not yet. First you need to get safe, get some distance, get some time. Then maybe you can come to understand what went on.
I am afraid for you. Please get help. Please get out.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
