After the WAW comes home???

[dawg03]

Update: I know that I am not as good as some of the others that post on this board with details but I had a couple of quick questions:

While we are at work my W and I typicaly e-mail each other - just light stuff. I usually send the first e-mail and today decided to not to. She sent one a few minutes ago and the question is should I just send replys and wait on her for now?

I usually tell my wife ILU a couples of times a day and she will answer with ILU should I wait for her to say it first? She has said it first a couple of times.

I know these questions sound stupid and I like I am trying to play a game but I do want her feel like she has more control and to help her with any guilty feelings.

Thanks so much for everyone's advice.

[Laurie]

Dawg,
It does appear you have become more clear that you need to back off in certain areas - good for you.

Regarding your most recent entry, letting your W initiate the emails and responding with a similar light tone seems like a good plan. It allows your W to set the pace a bit, not be possibly pressured by you, and letting her intiate helps you judge the amount and kind of contact your W wants.

Regarding ILY's - if you really sense your W responds well (examples: smiles, enjoys saying it back to you, gives you eye contact when she says it, may hug or kiss you at those times, etc...), then it may be a neutral or positive thing for you to say. But watch very, very carefully. If she is a bit ambivalent, sounds somewhat obligatory, possibly gets a bit tense when responding, then I'd back off from initiating ILY's. I would wait for her to initiate them and then respond warmly, but not over-enthusiastically.

Dawg, these changes are much more than playing a game. You are adjusting your behavior to become more sensitive to your W's needs at this point. You are changing your habits to offer more hope for your M. It would seem stranger to me to keep the same behavior you've had knowing it is pushing your W away. Real love is trying to understand what our spouse needs and being willing to give that to them. So Dawg, it's real love to make the changes you are trying to do.

[dawg03]

Thanks for the info. My W responds well to ILUs about half of the time so I think that I will stop them for a while. During our relationship she was always the one that said ILU first and I guess my responses could have been viewed as somewhat cold to her for most of our relationship.

She has also made the comment that are roles are reversed now - before she left whe was the one doing everything to keep the emotional side of our marriage together. She also said that she knows how hard it is to be in my shoes now because she has been there.

Things that are good in our relationship now:

1. We have a very nice house and she spends alot of time working on painting and decorating it.
2. We do not have any money problems. I have a professional job and make most of our income.
3. We are very good friends and enjoy doing nothing together as long as we do not talk about our M.
4. We do not have children but have a dog that she really loves - I had the dog before we met.
5. Her family really likes me and my family really likes her.

I have backed off the affection somewhat over the last few days. Still give a hug and kiss before I leave and after I get home from work and at bedtime - I get the feeling that she is expecting it. I have some trouble not snuggling with her in the mornings probably because I am still somewhat asleep. Maybe I should make more of an effort to stop this?

Anyway I really appreciate all the advice and I know that the biggest thing I need to do right now is be patient.

[Hopeful_WAW]

Dawg03,

You were right, I can relate to your W. I, too, am not feeling the sexual desire for H. One thing that helps me deal with this issue is knowing others have this problem as well. I agree w/ one of the other posts that suggested you validate her feelings. Let her know that it's very common for women to lose the desire to be intimate after they have been hurt.

Try this analogy - with each hurt, we put a brick down in front of us. After a while we have enough hurts and therefore, bricks to build a wall. This wall wasn't built in one day; it certainly will not come down in one day.

Another thing that helps me feel closer to H is touch. What I mean is when we are out doing things together; just holding my hand, putting an arm around me; touching me in some non-sexual way. Let her come to you for a hug or kiss - I don't know why, but those tend to push us away, while we are in this "healing" mode.

Question - have you asked her what types of things make her feel loved?

The other thing that Michele says is sometimes you just have to do it. You have to make yourself uncomfortable in order to truly give to your partner. Once you do this, you will remember that you like sex, too. My advice, just don't force it. It will get there on it's own. Look at the message board for an article related to this topic. Print it out for your W. I think it might help validate her feelings.

M

[dawg03]

Thanks for your reply.

I read your thread and thought about posting but wasn't sure what to add - but I did come up with something that I am sure you probably already know. I think that your H is very insecure with himself. He also seems to be very selfish.

[Hopeful_WAW]

Dawg03,

You're right I do know those things about him. Which is why I am the WAW - my needs weren't being met.

M

[Laurie]

Dawg,
Responding to your question re: the DVD's. If your W has not been responsive to the Breakthrough set, then I am wondering if it would be wiser to simply watch them (Breakthrough and KLA) yourself - unless she shows interest. I am going to guess that it's more about your W feeling a bit pressured by the process, not so much the info Michele is offering on the DVD's. What do you think?