You have some choices to make for yourself here. Can I forgive my W for what has occured? Can I forgive myself for my role in the decline of our M? What is my limit?
When you next have contact with W, say simply to her that you forgive her for all that has and is happening. Tell her that you are not angry, you are not judging her and no blame will be laid. Let her know that after reflection, you are working on forgiving yourself for your role in this. Let her know you will be there if she needs to talk as a friend.
Start to love her unconditionally. What this means is, no matter where she is or what she is doing you love her regardless. I know I've had to let go of a lot of selfish feeling to continue to work on my sitch.
Lastly, I would continue to work on the things I've identified through reflection which will make me a better person. Make these changes stick. She will see them. Then, determine your bounderies. How long and through what circumstances can I continue to work on this R and feel good about myself.
ShawnL
So if you're tired of that same old story, turn some pages. I'll be ready when you are able, to roll with the changes. - REO Speedwagon
Can I forgive my W for what has occured? Y Can I forgive myself for my role in the decline of our M? Y What is my limit? Good Question
I have told her that I forgive all that has and may be happening, her response was "I don't want you to forgive, I just want you to understand" I told her I do understand and have left it like that.
I do love her unconditionally and she knows that, i have proven that and stand by that everyday. Even when she does things that cause me great pain with words and actions and anger inside I simply remember why I have stood by her side faithfully and loyally, simply put I love my Wife, don't like the sitch but I do love her.
I have never thought I would expand my boundries out so far and make tolerable adjustments the way I have.
But I do have to stop pushing them out so far and take a stand.
I have said to myself that the next time I find out that she has gone out with another guy I'll just tell her "with those actions it is pretty clear where we stand, how can I justify staying married if this is going to occur?" I simply have tolerated this long enough".
If I continue to tolerate this then it is like giving her a license to continue this behaviour w/o consequences.
I feel I have sacrificed enough and it is time to take a stand and either fight her or fight for her, I choose to fight for her.
good attitude hunter. DB-ing does not mean being a doormat either. Its great that you truly do want to forgive and understand. Holding grudges takes waaaaay more effort than forgiving, and the pain associated with the hurt does fade when forgiveness enters the picture. BUT, she cannot have a license to cheat whenever. If she does want you to understand, let her explain how she feel she got to this crossroads in her life that made her do this. Then work on that. Butshe has got to know if she does want it to work, she has to put in equal effort. You may have to give more at first , but at a certain point it has to be reciprocated, or else you feel like a doormat. And if its cheating while seperated, well I am learning that apparently it is not. A lawyer told me that depending on the state you live in, sex while seperated is allowable. And apparently spousal stupidity is allowed in all states, otherwise we would not all need to be here hoping they wake up.
I've done all the things you suggested but I feel like I'm running out of PATIENCE. My H is like CRUSHEDNJ H. He admitted EA the day of the bomb (4/30/04), said he definitely wanted a D and has not wavered since. It's very hard to be a "friend" in that case, but I'm still trying.
On bomb day H said I want a D because it's "just not there anymore." This was such a shock that I pushed for the "real" reason. H said he was in love with someone else but it was soon enough that he had not "cheated on me yet" (two weeks). H immediately took off his ring to pretend he wasn't married so it was O.K. to have an affair. It's like H feels that since he told me about EA and wanting a D before the PA, it was O.K. to do it. What about our M comittment, and TRYING. I feel cheated out of that chance before I even knew there was a problem. We were in the same house for almost three months and I left because of the pain. H thought we would just live together "like roommates" and he would carry on with his affair like nothing ever happened. What are they THINKING?! I now sometimes regret having moved but I think our sitch greatly deteriorated while we were still living together. Now with not much contact, I don't get to display my changes and DB.
A few weeks after that I was snooping and found evidence of PA. I didn't not say how I knew but I said I knew H slept with OW and H denied it. I said "O.K., let's pretend you didn't, but leaving me in your heart is still cheating." H actually said "that's a lesser offense." How do you like them apples?
It wasn't until mid-Septemer that H admitted it's wrong to cheat and that he "did cheat on me but has to try it (OW)." He said "cheat" in the past tense and "try it" in the future tense as if what he's doing right now is O.K. Talk about guilt and justification. I think he even feels now that admitting it somehow makes it O.K. H just seems like such a "slow study" compared to other WAS described here. He's really burried a lot of stuff DEEP!
I've been doing LRT, being lovingly detached, being a friend as best I can without pursuing but nothing ever seems to help. Anybody got any input?
Nobody's going to kid anybody here. We all want to save what we had. The reality, some spouses come around sooner than others and some never do. The only thing we can influence is ourselves. I know my chances, but despite that I keep a good PMA and continue to work on those issues I've identified as lacking in myself. If my spouse doesn't eventually respond, her loss. I will still be happy with myself and happiness will bring good things in the future.
I have only been at this for 2 months now, someday if my spouse, isn't interested, I will have to draw the line in the sand for myself. I know that will not be easy either.
ShawnL
So if you're tired of that same old story, turn some pages. I'll be ready when you are able, to roll with the changes. - REO Speedwagon
I feel like I can't give up until the D (at this point) but the line in the sand is going to be drawn for me. H's filing will be put into motion when our house sells. Probably in the spring if not sooner.
Sometimes I feel like filing myself to "wake him up" like some DBr's have done. I don't think this would work with my H and I have to wait for A to fizzle or whatever.
How can I convey that I've moved on and that I might not always be around while still holding out hope?
Maybe time to get a life or at least make H think you have. Go out with friends, take a class, attend a concert. Be mysterious if H asks. Don't lie to him, but be vague about the details.
Keep up the PMA. I think there is nothing more unsettling than to get the opposite reaction you would expect. So H should be expecting you to be moody, angry, upset. Instead smile, laugh with him, tell him a joke. He'll be thinking WTF. Worth a try anyway.
ShawnL
So if you're tired of that same old story, turn some pages. I'll be ready when you are able, to roll with the changes. - REO Speedwagon
I've done and continue to do all of your first paragraph.
I admit my PMA isn't the best. I could be better at being "cheery" on the phone. I don't get many opportunities to joke or laugh with H, though. I'll really try to do that next time he throws me a "bone" but he only calls about "house selling" stuff and it's very hard to be cheery about losing my home. Ya' know? Thanks though.
H does seem the most disturbed when I am very happy or tell him I have to go because "I'm busy." I'll KOFTGF!
