moving forward III ... planning for the future

[Nevanna]

Previous Thread

I'm not going to list all of my threads like I have done in the past...I don't feel defined by them anymore. If someone wants to read the whole story, you can find the complete list on the front page of the thread above.

Stats:

• me: 24
  
• H: 28
  
• M: 2 1/12 yrs
  
• R: 4 1/2 yrs
  
• no kids yet, but planning on it in the next couple of years
  

Not much going on. H is leaving for San Diego early in the morning. I got pretty upset earlier. Four days isn't long...and only really two without seeing him...but just the whole idea of him being gone is getting to me right now.

I asked H earlier if he had read my threads, and he said no. He saw me typing here, I switched screens, and thought that I was "writing something bad" about him. I asked him if he thought I said mean things about him on the BB, and he nodded. I told him it was more about me, about how I think/work/analyze, and for him not to worry. I offered to print them all out of he wanted, but he said that he didn't. So...answers that mystery. H is just better at dealing with people than I am, so he must have just figured out what to do to reassure me. (Maybe too much Oprah? I know he was watching it the other day.)

So...pretty uptight about H leaving tomorrow morning. Not his fault, though. He has offered all kinds of things to help me--did I want to stay in, did I want something from California, to take me on vacation later, etc--but I'm just not feeling any better. I can't wait for this to be over with.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

[Nevanna]

Wow, 26 views and no replies. (Okay, not that there was much to reply to...)

So, H has been home almost a week, and I have just now really settled back down.

His flight left on the Sunday before Thanksgiving at 7am. After FCW (female coworker) called him Saturday night (no joke) to tell him when the flight was, I basically lost it. Couldn't stop crying the whole night. I completely freaked out.

H declared I had seperation anxiety. I spent a good forty minutes curled up on him on the couch just in complete tears. Blurted out all kinds of stuff--about me blaming myself (both for xrm and the PA with ow before that...I think it was news to him). Admitted that my big fear was that he would come back and things would be weird again, or something would change his mind while he was gone. He assured me that wouldn't happen.

He had to go up to the club where FCW and MCW worked to find out his flight number and airline. (Not kidding.) Then he decided that he would work a little at his other job to make some cash before he took off. I wound up not seeing him at all before I took him to the airport...probably part of the reason I was so freaked out.

I was so upset when he came home, he almost told FCW he wasn't going. I told him he should go anyway.

So, when we got to the airport, we found that his coworker didn't book him a flight home. And they were on a different flight to San Diego, and he wasn't sure where they were meeting at. Then I actually got mad. (I had only had about an hour nap at that point...)

Wound up picking a fight with him at the food court. About how he didn't have a flight back, how he was going to get stuck because it was right before Thanksgiving, and I didn't have any money to get him home. He said he couldn't help it, FCW just looked so up upset when she asked him for help to get her daughter back. I told him I was tired of him putting other people first, because I always wound up getting hurt. I'm not sorry I said it, but my timing was pretty lousy. He asked me if we could just not fight until his flight left, I agreed, and he got some breakfast. I was actually feeling physically ill at that point.

After he got on the plan, I cried in the car.

H called me as he was waiting to board. At his connecting. And twice after he landed in San Diego. I had looked up flights for him, and he got one booked for Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Never did hear why his was one-way and his two coworkers weren't.

After I slept all day Sunday, H didn't call, so I figured he was busy. I didn't want to bother him, so I didn't call him. (Cell phones are just the best! ) Around 10:30pm, BIL2 shows up at my door. I was headed to bed, and he said H was trying to get a hold of me, but my phone didn't seem to work. That H tried to call me, MIL tried to call me, and he tried to call me. My phone never rang. So we fiddled with it for a minute. Then BIL2's phone rang--H was calling. I answered, talked to H for a bit.

He was freaking out. Said he thought I was mad at him, and ignoring his calls. Then he was afraid something might have happened to me, so he sent BIL2 over to check. We talked for a bit, he calmed down, and I said I was headed to bed.

They even got FCW's daughter back the same day they got in California. So he rented a car and took off the next day to go see his friends (not the two coworkers he went with) up by LA. I talked to him several times on Monday, while he was travelling. While I was talking with frequently, I was fine.

But then he was busy Tuesday with his friends. I was depressed, tired...didn't do much. I had such a hard time sleeping while he was gone. The empty apartment reminded me so much of when I was living by myself...only worse, because his stuff was there, so it felt like he was just out of reach.

I didn't talk to him for six hours on Tuesday, and I got really worked up. Convinced he would change his mind, want to leave... In just six hours.

The thing is, the whole weirdness started when H took a trip to Cancun a year and a half ago. He came back, and just wasn't the same. I was terrified of it happening again.

H came home Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I couldn't wait for him to be back, but I was actually also really worried. I left work early to meet him at the airport. BIL2 was there to pick up MIL, who had gone to Florida with her bf for a few days.

I got to the airport a little late, and H was already getting his bags when I arrived. I gave him a hug, but he said I seemed withdrawn. I'm sure I was.

Thanksgiving I cooked. It was nice, but I was tired. Wound up going to bed early while H and his family played Halo. My parents didn't come over, which was fine...I didn't want to deal with their awkwardness, anyway.

Friday and Saturday I was starting to feel better. Being around H to see that things really were fine helped immensely. (And four days to lounge around in pajamas was great... )

So, I've finally calmed back down. H has said over and over again he's not going to leave me. We're making plans to move to Phoenix, buy a house, and start a family soon. I can't wait.

I actually had a dream that we had 11 kids. Quadruplets, triplets, and quadruplets. LOL It was actually kind of nice... Put both H and I into a baby mood. We talked about kids all day long that day...

Clearly, I'm traumatized. I actually had a physical reaction to the whole thing. But, I'd say H was, too. He cannot stand if he thinks I am ignoring him--because that's what I did at the end of sep #1. Sort of fell into the LRT. It panics him, so I'm careful to not let that happen again. Guess we're both affected.

H also admitted to me that he is afraid I will get tired of wading through this mess, tired of dealing with my own emotions. I promised him that I felt like he was worth it.

I completely fell apart. H was very, very sweet about the whole thing.

I also understand a lot of the whys now behind DB techniques. Why they work, why the walk-away feels that way... I'm not sure I could have gotten to this point if I hadn't just made myself go through with it.

So that's been my week. I did something to my shoulder at the gym, so typing is a bit of a straing now. Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving.

[sage]

H also admitted to me that he is afraid I will get tired of wading through this mess, tired of dealing with my own emotions. I promised him that I felt like he was worth it.

Hmmm...this fear DOES make sense! Never thought of it that way before. sounds like h is really opening up to you!

Sage

[Nevanna]

Sage, you just reminded me...H mistakes my being distant with my being angry. I get distant when I'm hurting, and don't know how to cope, and am afraid of going to him. (In the past, he didn't do well with me when I got all messy...like before he left for San Diego...although he was great this time. ) He thinks that means I'm going to leave him.

But, at the same time, I don't want to overwhelm him. When I get really distraught, it just makes the guilt that much worse for him.

Kind of a careful balance.

I think this may also be what's behind his frequent comments that he would forgive me if I were to have an A. He's hoping that I really do forgive him. (I do, just still hurts...althought not nearly as bad.) And, that way, he wouldn't feel as guilty for slipping up. (At least, that's what I think he thinks...lol...hope that makes sense.)

[MrsHopeful]

hello Nevanna,
Not sure if you remember me. i still keep up with your posts and we are still piecing I just don't post very often at all. I have a question for you though. My husband and I had a s itutation happen last night and I thought maybe you could offer advice. I have extreme anxiety even now a year after everything happened and I still take issue with him going out after work with work people. Most times it becomes such a big deal that he just stays home. you would think I would be happy right? Wrong. i don't want it to be with way, I just don't know how to change it. So anyway I want to share something he said to me last night with you and see what you think! "S I think the reason you are like this is because you have alwasy been insecure about us and always thought I was attactive and funny and that anyone would want me and that I oculd leave you at anytime. For years you did not trust me and now I have given you a reason not too. I have tried to fix that but you have low self esteem in how you look and feel about yourself and I can't change that. i am getting tired of trying to." So here is the thing. he is exactlly right. but i want it to be different. I have read DR but i think I need to go pick it up from the Library again, because now that we are "back together" I need to refresh. What do you think? be harsh I might need it.

[Livnlearn]

Hello!

Just thought I'd chime in to say you are very lucky that he has spelled everything out to you. He gave you a reason to not trust him, but he is also still with you so that says someting, in fact a lot! You ARE obviously attractive to him, but not when you are all clingy and mopey. And by being like that, both of you know the M is LESS likely to last!

So, get out and about, freshen up yourself and your outlook on life, BE HAPPY and it will snowball.

You can't afford NOT to trust your H, really.

Livnlearn

[MrsHopeful]

Thanks for chiming in. I know you are right. It is like when you see what you should be doing but you just can't. That is how I feel. I think about what I would tell someone else in my shoes. "Get a life, take care of yourself, that will make you more attractive." I just can't seem to take the first step. Why? i did bring my clothes to work to go to the gym today. That is a start.

[Nevanna]

Hi MrsHopeful! Yes, I do remember you...nice to hear you are making progress.

You got some good advice from Livnlearn.

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. I know it's scary. It's a problem we all face. Your H is trying to work with you...and that's great! He's being honest, upfront, and talking with you.

Okay. Sooner or later, you're just going to have to "act as if" and fumble through this one. I never found an easier way. Doesn't mean there isn't one, just that the only way I could move forward was to just jump in. (The shallow end, though, of course. )

So...pick a day. Maybe tomorrow. And tell your H it's okay to go out. It will probably still be hard for you...but don't harass him while he's out. Try to find something good to distract yourself with. Time out with your own friends, read a book, go to the gym...whatever makes you feel good you. Personally, I think exercise is a great way to relieve tension.

I had trouble after H and I were living together again with him going to work. Freaked me out. There were actually nights I--and I'm not proud of admitting this--drank a little to calm myself down. Just a glass of wine, nothing too bad.

The worst part is, with my job, I often have work to do from home on Friday evenings. And the timing of it is so awkward, I am often unable to coordinate with anyone. So I was stuck at home, getting uptight. I started trying to take that energy out in other areas...cleaning, for example. I used to pace and bite my tongue. H is unable to talk to me while he is at work, so no help there. So another trick I discovered was to call him and leave him cute vmails. That way, when he got home, he was excited and all lovey dovey, so I got the reaction that I needed from him. (And it was just fun. )

Oh...and talking with your own friends helps, too. That way, you're not putting all of the stress on your husband.

Hang in there, it does get better with time.

[Nevanna]

i did bring my clothes to work to go to the gym today.

Sounds like you took that first step there...

Oh...and try not to be so hard on yourself. I would actually get upset with myself because I wasn't getting over things fast enough. (I know, sounds kind of silly. ) Stop stressing about it, and it will be easier to actually do what you need to.

[MrsHopeful]

Thanks for your replies. I get so scared that I am being fooled again. that he is just appeasing me by being home out of guilt. I need to make some changes. I am planning on thinking about this tonight and deciding what my goals should be. I already know that when I do stuff on my own he gets excited by this and desires me more, I like myself more. If I did get myself looking and feeling good I don't think I would have anything more to worry about, my man loves a driven woman. I don't believe he would stray again. I am going to really think on this take you guys good words and start my own thread tomorrow to chart my progress. I have such a hard time being positive both in myself and my sitch. I alwys think I am not doing a good job so I quite. So many more strides need to be made on my part. Confidence is magnet for my H. I should be trying for at least that reason even if I can't ge past my own fears to get better for me.