First of all, it's GREAT that you ended your A. If I were you, I'd use my "affair mode thinking" to try to figure out where your H is coming from. Use what you were thinking to 'justify' your A when you were in it, to try to make sense of what your H is using to justify his.
It's sadly comical that your H points the finger at you, conveniently forgetting that he has three pointing back at himself. Two 'wrongs' don't make a right, so what he's doing HAS NO JUSTIFICATION, no matter how he tries to 'spin it.'
As you've said, he remains an intregal part of your life. Spending holidays and family occassions with you. I think that's an excellent sign that he's kept the door to reconciliation open.
I hear ya about the 'sex' part...but having sex with him while he may or may not be having sex with her....doesn't make you the winner.
Have you had any conversations about reconciliation? It's been two years, so I don't think the subject shoud be considered taboo.
How's the honesty level between the two of you now? Can you talk about the past relationship that you two shared with each other without being judgemental or his getting defensive? Believe me, he knows as well as you do what went wrong in your M before either of you had affairs, and maybe it's time you both talked about that.
Hi Wonder ! It doesn't matter if the M survives really, what matters is that WE do.
You sound great and you're 100% right about DBing being a successful lifestyle form...with or without the spouse/SO we all started out here to recapture.
While I love my H, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that as a result of how much I've grown personally, that if my H walked away tomorrow ,I could honestly wish him the best, because my life will continue on emotionally health and happy no matter what.
I guess I'm what they call, 'lovingly detached' in that while I love my H and am greatful that we've pieced our life and marriage back together, I know now that I will never be able to go back to who I was a year ago or ALL the years before that. That "Jan" died the day I was faced with the truth of my H's betrayal. And like that song from the Wizard of Oz..."Ding dong the witch is dead"...I'd have to claim that as my swan song.
I'm GLAD "that" woman's dead because SHE lived in fear and living in fear IS NOT living.
The new me wakes up every day thankful that I didn't kill myself, or jump into a "payback A" (both of which I'd considered early on in the nightmare)...or any of the other crazy ideas I had rattling around in my brain for months on end.
It's as if I've broke free of some incidious self imposed set of shackles and I'm now free to live my life, my way, for me. And it's a beautiful thing!
T2
Hi T2, Thanks for your reply. I am so removed from the person I was over 2 years ago, it is hard to recall if I ever really "justified" my A. I think I just felt neglected and this guy was a lot younger and told me how gorgeous I was.....it flattered me and I got caught up in the emotions of the admiration of someone thinking I was so great! I think going through the cancer treatments effected my H ego and this nurse thought he was good looking and funny (he has a charming personality)and she asked him if he had a brother, and that let him know she was interested. She has been married and divorced twice. Anyway, I suppose H and I took one another for granted and were each overcome by the attention from others. He was so supportive of me going through the steps of joining the Catholic church. I would have never predicted he would have. I would say we spend more quality time together now. Also, I get the cell phone bill and I calculated from last month he talked to OW 4 1/2 hours and to me 14 1/2. As far as talking about the good times of our pre-A relationship, we both have pretty good things to sau about it on the whole. I recently asked him, on the anniversary of when we met, 19 years ago this past July, if he had any regrets about meeting me, and he said he didn't. The rare times I do bring up him coming back, he says he can't live with me as a H as he can't trust me. He says I am a good looking woman and have a roving eye. (ironically, for over 2 years, I have not had a date or attempted to have one. I am totally focused on him) I know every cloud has a silver lining and I can honestly say that, I doubt I would have been interested in joining the Church where I have found such peace and comfort, had our marital porblems not happened. This afternoon was good. I drove to the farm he was cutting hay on and the dog and I stayed on a blanket under the shade all aftenoon while H worked. i even was able to help him several times in hooking up some equipmetn and he was so appreciative! Told me how good I did. So, before he left tonight, I initiated a big hug and he really hugged me tight back and said I did a good job today. In my book, this is another baby step since he didn't back away from me and actually put something into the hug. My H likes to be the focus of my attention and he likes for me to "appreciate" his farm work. I think by staying there today with him, I showed him that I do. He already knows that I want him to come home. I want to wait until Sept., after our anniversary, and judge from the card he gives me what his mood may be. I hesitate to bring it up too often as he doesn't like to feel pushed. He may say he doesn't trust me but, he tells me lots of things about family stuff and he knows I haven't broken the confidance. He was around here today from 2:00 until 9:30 p.m. This is fairly typical. Thanks for your thoughts and for responding. This entire matter has made me have patience, which was NOT one of my vitues before. Va Maggie
Hey..T2..great thread..I remember posting to you a few times..I am happy to say I am one of the success stories to restoring my m....but mostly I restored myself, as so many here have said..the journey we have all faced has changed us for the better..this awful rollercoaster ride opened up both my h and my eyes to our life as it was.
I have found myself falling back to not putting myself first lately..and I don't like it..but all in all life is good..I would not have survived had it not been for this support here...I think I would have been like the norm..and gone right to court just to get it over with. Funny thing is I work in court with d all day long..I see how so many people might benefit from this bb.. sorting out their lives, and in the end maybe saving their m and their families..it si so sad to see the anger that everyone has..and who gets hurt the most..the kids..
To anyone reading this and thinking it could never turn around..don't give up..oh don't stop living..but don't give up.
T2~ There are definitely two types of success on this board, but they are both related to how we see OURSELVES!!!
Quote: know now that I will never be able to go back to who I was a year ago or ALL the years before that. That "Jan" died the day I was faced with the truth of my H's betrayal. And like that song from the Wizard of Oz..."Ding dong the witch is dead"...I'd have to claim that as my swan song.
This is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU again for giving us a place to share POSITIVE thoghts...it feels so good to do that and the positivity is infectious!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Just some food for thought....This is my horoscope for today. I think it says it alot for many of us, not just me!
Quote: The Sufi poet, Rumi, wrote, "When you go to the garden, don't spend too much time with the thorns." You Aries may be unique in your ability these days to go into deep and dark places while maintaining an air of optimism. Others may think that you are in denial, but that's not it at all. You can see the hard stuff and brush right up against the thorns, but you choose to move through these circumstances and out the other side. Just don't move so quickly that you cannot remember what you need to learn here.
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
This morning, after reading an "off line" IM message from my dear Ya Ya sister, Imalright, I thought I'd clear up something I'd said on here for myself, as well as others.
I'd said in my original post: It's even rare that I peak in because I find it somewhat painful to see some of my "old friends" still on here, still stuck in the muck and mire of the struggle to reconcile.
Imalright saw that statement as the fateful reason that she and I never seem to be online at the same time anymore to get to chat. If I understood Deb's IM correctly, she thinks that because we're in such different places in our relationships that it's karma keeping she and I from being able to share. So, I thought about that and tried to figure out if maybe she was right or not. And here's what I've come up with....
I think that there are two very strong reasons that keep me away from several of the posts on this board. The first is the frustration I feel for those still in, virtually, the same place they were this time last year. The second reason is, that when I read about their pain, I relive my own. So the second reason is very self serving. It's a bit cowardly, in that it allows me to "run from the past" by not dwelling on it and, staying away also allows me to keep pushing forward.
But, I have to ask myself, who am I helping by hiding? And of course the answer is, NO ONE.
So that's what THIS thread SHOULD be about. It should be about helping. Helping to encourage those still 'lost', helping those still in pain, and helping everyone to SEE that there IS life after betrayal, no matter whether the outcome is D or reconciliation, as long as WE survive mentally and spiritually intact in the end.
So I want this thread to be EXCLUSIVELY about US and what we're doing that's GOOD FOR US AND ABOUT US AS A PERSON
So I'll start: MY life is better because I have 'regained' my self-esteem and self-worth, totally void of ANY connection to my H.
Hi T2~ This thread and your above comments also struck a cord with me. I too, am here in and out.
You bring up some very good thought provoking comments. (as always )
Here is why my life IS better... I have realized just how selfish I can be. I have develped the patience to REALLY work for what I want... for me. I now GET IT; that I, yes I, am responsible for my own happiness...
My life is better because I have developed a greater capacity for compassion (for myself and others), patience (ditto) and an awareness of my "present moment". I've realized that I'm a "work in progress" but who I am today is just who I need to be.
Sage
(Thanks, T24!)
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
T2, I can understand how you feel. So, here's a positive for me; joining the Catholic church has brought me a sense of peace, calm and hope. Also, I am more patient and try to avoid an argument. I let lots more go than I ever would have in the past. It's the old adage of "pick your battles" and there are so many things that are just not worth the fuss. It maintains an atmosphere of calmness which is helpful for my sitch.
