Is there someone that can help me here

[AMiTHEOW]

Sin, these are really good pointers. (is it ok that I call you Sin? ) I am going to put them to work as soon as I can.

H has not called since I sent the email. Is it really that bad? All of the ranting I do on the BB I honestly do not do in front of him. I don't understand why he backed up on communication, or could it possibly be because I am saying I no longer agree with the "sleepovers?"

For some reason your H loves to throw his OW and you "OM" in your face. Simply don't allow it. If you are on the phone with him, small talk with him (no R talk) and when this subject comes up, tell him politely but firmly you will not talk about either of these subjects.

This is what puzzles me the most. I understand WHY he would throw up phantom "OM," because this is a HUGE fear for him. What would be the reason for throwing up OW, especially after he told me he did NOT have OW. Nonetheless, I feel great today. I got a call this morning regarding a job interview scheduled for Wednesday and I am very excited. I will focus on that and keep my PMA up.

[sinjin]

Ami -

Glad to hear you are doing better!

I believe what your H is doing here is trying to manipulate you to keep pursuing him. It must be some kind of ego boost for him to be able to have his OW and have his W chase him too knowing about the OW. He is probably just waiting you out since you sent the email, and that is why he brings up OW too. Ignore it. He will contact you, then you can run the show from there.

Glad to here about the job. Good Luck.

S

[AMiTHEOW]

Hi Sin,

Thank you for the good luck wishes!! This would really be VERY helpful for my PMA right now. I am not currently employed and I think this is why I have so much time to focus on my H.

As far as the OW, I agree. I believe he DOES want me to pursue him, but I will NOT. My H knows I can "out-wait" him. Also, I don't know if I said it already but I do not even really think he was being honest when he threw it up in my face. We S once before and I begged, and pleaded, and chased him for MONTHS. (didn't know about DB then) This time, only in the last couple of weeks, have I shown a bit of chase but NOTHING like before. I believe it is shaking him up and he wants to redirect my focus on him. He is wondering what is holding my attention away from him. How immature is he? I haven't read the 5LL's, however his MUST be affirmation.

2 Questions
On the other hand, if he DOES have OW and he desires her SO then what role do I play in this?

I need financial assistance for my son and I. Should I wait until he calls, or should I just leave a voicemail? I just thought about this. I don't know what to do regarding that and my H is going away on 8/26.

[sinjin]

Hello Ami -

If there is another woman, you can't do anything but DB. I say don't worry about it (knowing that is impossible) but you can't do much about it except reinvent yourself and make yourself happy.

As far as child support...hmmmmm. What are the laws in your state? I would look them up online, then write a letter to him so you have a record for later. Ask for whatever is fair for your child according to the laws. A simple straightforward letter, not mentioning the R at all. Quote the state statute so he knows you did your homework and are serious.

You are probably going to get what you ask for, plus perhaps a panicked reaction from him about the sitch too. Stand firm if/when that happens, then you will be in control of the situation and will have some ability to make it come out as you wish it.

If I were you, I would place the emphasis on your son and yourself first, then your job, your family and finally your H. He can move up that chain if you deem him worthy sometime down the road.

That is my opinion, your mileage may vary!

S

[AMiTHEOW]

Hi Sin,

When I said that I needed financial assistance, I meant that I needed extra cash at the moment. I have not gone after C/S because that is not something I felt like I have needed to do...as of yet.

However, I do agree with you in regards to there being an OW. I will continue DB'ing and taking care of me.

I posted this question on my other thread and wanted to get some feedback here:

Quick question

As I said I have been feeling better for the past couple of days. I have also been having ill feelings toward my H. I realized that it may be because I am focusing on the negative with no real attention to the positive. Is there anyone that sees ANY positive "steps" in my sitch. I'm not grabbing at straws, I'm just asking.

AMI

[sinjin]

Ami -

The positive steps are that you are getting a job and doing what you want to do. Keep after it. This is only about you right now, nothing about H.

S

[AMiTHEOW]

Yes Sinjin, that is the obvious regarding the positive steps. (thank you) However, I would still like to know if there are any positive steps in my "sitch."

AMI

[sinjin]

Ami -

You said you weren't grasping at straws, but I think that you are....

From what I can see (if you are asking about your H) there hasn't been any new developments in your sitch.

Patience my dear. You have to DB and let some time go by. Neither myself or anyone else here can give you a timeline, although I have seen some guesses that affairs run their course around the 6 month mark. That is in no way definitive.

I would say from your posts that you still need to work on focusing on yourself. There is really not alot you can do about your H. The sooner you shift the focus to yourself, the sooner you will see results.

Go get that job you want, spend quality time with your family and friends, and do things that you enjoy. Let your husband play out his issues, while seeing the changes in you. If you focus on him at all, you will be disappointed in him and his actions time after time.

S

[AMiTHEOW]

Thank you Sinjin. I guess it is very possible that I am grasping at straws and don't realize that I am doing it. Also, I think I am being somewhat impatient and want to see something positive, because I have been having feelings of just giving up. As I said I haven't been really focusing on H as much as usual, but I have been having persistent thoughts of just re-filing for D and just saying F**k it. I don't WANT to feel this way, but are these normal feelings. Could it be that I am just afraid of what the future holds? Whatever it is, the feelings are very real.

My H left to go to the Dominican Republic today. How nice that he can take vacations. He went with a group of his "single" buddies, one of which walked out on his VERY pregnant girlfriend. I am just feeling disgust more than anything at this point. Talk about emotional rollercoaster.

AMI