Azure, it is great to have you back and posting. I'm sorry for the grey week....though the combo of coming back from your visit home and that "flat period" you talk about--how cool that you are learning from the past!--seem to be good explanations, and expressions of hope that this phase, too, will end.
OF COURSE you will find love in your future, both to give and to receive. Your H pulled a very odd move under the circumstances and I cannot help but believe that in his case it has a lot more to say about him than even the state of your relationship.
Thanks for being the wonderful person that you are, Azure. Anyone who reads your thoughtful posts knows that, but I have met you in person and can say it goes double.
Hi Azure!!! I am sorry about the grey cloud, but I am so glad it signals good things ahead.
Quote: It's finally saying goodbye to the old life, and preparing to allow in things for the new life. It’s the end of the drama of day-by-day emotional struggle to recover.
I feel this way too. I am so involved in my own life that I have very little time to wonder what is going on in the life of my ex!! This feels good!!!
I am SO sorry to hear about your dog. Pets are so important....don't know what I would do without my kitty cat to come home to at night!!
I think you are doing the right thing about involving H. If you will get too emotional, then it is better to keep your distance from him.
Quote: I know, I know, trying to figure out his motivations is mental masturbating.
THIS IS SOOOOOOOO TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Time for an update. My dog's wheelchair arrived on Wednesday, from Doggone.com! She is starting to get used to it. I really hope it will give her a new lease on life. It certainly attracts a lot of attention. I used the opportunity to really flirt with one guy who was particularly enamored. I didn't quite have the guts to ask for his phone number, however! But he told me when he'd be at the dog park. Not an easy time for me to get there, but if the Universe wants it to happen...
I signed up for an improv acting class that starts later in October. It said it was a "warm, supportive atmosphere," that it helped with confidence and public appearances, and that they'd been "helping adults have fun for 20 years." Sounded good to me, and based on Rae Jean's experience, I decided to go for it. Plus I think I have a kind of unattended-to desire to perform. Maybe that's why my other two ex-LTR's were musicans, and STBXH is in public affairs -- I was getting vicarious pleasure from that. Hee hee.
Had a nice week after a rough start. A good evening sampling wine with my neighbors on Tuesday for their upcoming wedding, and on Wednesday my little cottage was graced by the presence of GBO, which was lovely. I haven't had too many people to my place so far, so I really enjoyed making some dinner and hanging out and talking in my living room.
H and I have been exchanging emails still, about the dog and other things. He was kindly concerned about me when he heard the dog was having such troubles, following all the other things I've had to deal with this year. We're supposed to get together tomorrow, although I haven't heard from him for the last few days, so I don't know if that is still happening, but my goals are to do the friendship DBing. I am trying to just accept that he is who he is and must do what he has to do, while at the same time my goal for myself is to be happy and enjoy life and accept myself as I am, too. I hope this will make for an easier, gentler, more fun way to hang out tomorrow, and that I won't be too reactive to anything he might put in my path.
Meanwhile, expecting confirmation of D any day now. I hope that is not too upsetting. I'm tired of sadness, and look forward to creating more joy in my life.
I am way impressed you signed up for an improv acting class. And from the description it does sound like a lot of fun. Good for you. I am looking into finding a pottery class and cooking class. Once sailing season ends (in a month or so) I'll be needing something to keep me busy.
Quote: ...but my goals are to do the friendship DBing. I am trying to just accept that he is who he is and must do what he has to do, while at the same time my goal for myself is to be happy and enjoy life and accept myself as I am, too. I hope this will make for an easier, gentler, more fun way to hang out tomorrow, and that I won't be too reactive to anything he might put in my path.
You & I have been on similar tracks since I joined the board! I'm with you on the just plain tired of being sad and wanting to be happy & enjoy things again.
I think we need to remember that lightening up, or letting go of the sadness, does not mean 'it' matters less to us, or we are giving up something important. It just means focusing on our lives, our choices, our emotions and the things we can control to make each day a good one.
I too have been working on just accepting that "it is what it is" and he is doing his best at trying to make himself happy. This equanimity practice has been helpful for me (I think it's from the book Emotional Alchemy):
May I accept things as they are. I wish you happiness and well-being, but I cannot make your choices for you or control the way things are
I say it over & over in my head when I'm feeling anxiety creeping in, or disappointed about some 'unmet expectation' of mine that I shouldn't have had in the first place!
And GO to the dog park! Take a cab if you must - but I am sure there are all sorts of interesting people you could meet there. Who knows, maybe the "universe" needs a little help making it happen...
I missed you here on the board - glad you've updated! Hugs, -H2H
Azure, It is good to hear from you again. This has been a difficult time for you.
All of us came to this bb with the same objective. To try to save our M. I hope you realize by now that that is not the only thing you can get from this. There is also personal growth and friendship.
My S23 was in Improv in HS and I liked to attend his plays and programs. It is good to hear that you signed up for one. I would like to do that too, but I think my old mind is just not fast enough for that anymore. Good for you, you will do fine.
Have a good weekend. There are people who care about you.
Ron
My new goal #1. Find happiness and hold onto it. Forget everything else. It doesn't matter. (Happiness helpers: Respect, Friendship, Humor, Music, Passionate Sex)
Hooray for the improv group. The dinner on Wednesday was so nice and I must say I think you will get lots of attention with your adorable dog with the doggie wheels ....might be worth a trip to the doggie park.
I'm glad that you are "tired of sadness". You are too good, giving, generous, considerate and wonderful of a person to spend your time being sad. Life throws us so much and you have so much to offer. Please have fun just being - with or without H or anyone else for that matter - friends are good people and I know you have a lot of them.
Thanks for your continued good thoughts and warm wishes as mine are with you as well. Totally
Thanks so much for the encouragement! You all are the best.
I had a really good weekend. Friday night I cooked a nice meal and traded home-cooked food with my neighbors.
Saturday morning after my workout, my ex-boyfriend “Michael,” the one who apologized to me last Christmas for his big part in our R failure, called me from Boston and we had a nice long chat. He gave me a lot of Words of Affirmation for how I’m doing and my strength in this past year. That was very cheering, I must say!
Saturday afternoon I spent a few hours with H. [I hadn’t seen him in probably two months--although we've kept in email touch-- not since the time we had a nice time hanging out and then the next day he pulled the money issue and I was so upset.] But now the money issue is resolved, I don’t know if he’s still angry about it, but we had a really relaxed time hanging out for a couple of hours. I guess he was ostensibly there to see the dog, but just like last time we spent the whole time talking instead. I really wasn’t very nervous this time. In fact, it was interesting, I have been reading The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz (the guy who wrote The Four Agreements), and so much of it makes sense to me. Holding resentment towards H only hurts me. I don’t have to take his rejection of me personally because we each are living in a “different dream.” From now on we’ll either get along or we won’t, but my goal is to try to live and let live , and also to remember that the idea is to enjoy life, to have fun! Thus I must seize any opportunity to let go of needless suffering. I mostly managed to hang onto that feeling, which was very relaxed, throughout our time and just enjoy talking to him. There were a couple of moments where I started to feel a bit uptight/pained and wanted him to leave, but they passed. I also tried not to think about him looking attractive. Anyway, overall it was probably our least-charged hangout since the bomb. We also took the sweet dog for a walk in her wheelchair. She was so happy to see him and gave him many heartfelt kisses!
Sunday morning I met my first fellow from the dating service I signed up with (and with which I’ve deliberately been proceeding verrrrrrry slooooooowly). He was really nice. I liked his energy and honesty (boy, do I want honesty after this horrible year!). I felt like myself and not like someone on some phony arduous date. Seemed to have lots to talk about. We just met for breakfast on my way to my girlfriend’s wedding shower...which was a blast. What a great bunch of women. Everyone was so warm and very witty and interesting. Great food and lots of laughs.
I don’t feel 100% yet, but I think I am healing.
PS This coming weekend I am going to visit MIL and her H and spend the night. I'm mostly looking forward to it, but send good wishes.
Your ex, Michael, sounds very nice. It's wonderful that he can now open up and give you support!
Your day with H also sounds very good. Like you I have come to realize that the suffering came from ME - my holding on to expectations, resentments, rejection, etc - not from him. I came to see him as doing the best that he can to make himself happy, and it has little or nothing to do with me. And you're so right that holding on to resentments only hurts us, not them!
I read the Four Agreements, but not Mastery of Love (yet... ). I am currently reading Emotional Alchemy (How the Mind Can Heal the Heart) and getting a lot out of it. Have you read it?
Dating service, hmmmm? Two things I liked about this part of your post: (1) The guts to go for it! Go YOU! and (2) "...my first fellow..." - I love the implication of more fellows to come! I really do admire your doing this, Azure. And I'll be watching with 'self-interest' in how it goes. I'm not quite there yet, but it is somewhere in my peripheral vision.
I'm glad you're going to see MIL. Remember that DB'ing works on all relationships in your life. You have the skills to navigate any tough moments.
Quote: I don’t feel 100% yet, but I think I am healing.
Not sure if we ever know what 100% feels like, but from where I'm standing, you certainly look like you're healing! Yahoo!
....might be worth a trip to the doggie park.
). I am currently reading Emotional Alchemy (How the Mind Can Heal the Heart) and getting a lot out of it. Have you read it?