Ohh and a big PS Thank you so much for stopping by! I meant to say that before. It is so good to here from someone who has come through the darkest hour. Thanks again!
Sweetie, I've been exactly where you are now. Almost a year ago, my H had a very entrenched EA. We seperated briefly, and he had a brief PA with her.
When we got back together the first time, I used to literally get panic attacks when he would go out with friends. He's a bartender, so when he goes out, he's out all night. And I have to go to bed for work the next day.
What did I do? Begged. Pleaded. Cried. Called. Interrogated. Yelled. And he ran again a few months later. (Then I stumbled on DB--yay for me!)
So my point is, try to keep the panic under control in front of him.
I like the not calling idea.
Realize that it's healthy for both of you to go out and be around other people. You should, too--it'll do wonders for your PMA.
Something else that might be kind of fun...especially since your living together. Get a little more experimental, if you know what I mean. Maybe a little trip to the toy shop? Bet that would surprise him--he came home and you had a little "present" for the both of you. (I did something similar, and OMG, his reaction was awesome.) Or, maybe buy some new lingerie and let him find you sleeping in it when he comes home...
Also, try to find something to tell him every day that is great about him. I try to catch my H picking up, or when he does something that I find sweet, I make sure to let him know.
I also found that when I told him how sweet he was...he was suddenly even sweeter. Like when I do get all irrational--cranky in the morning, too insecure, whatever--I always make sure to thank him for being so kind and wonderful and understanding. If he didn't completely listen to me or wasn't totally understanding...it's amazing how much more considerate he is the next time.
Okay so that is my definate plan, I can forsee that if I don't stick to it he will run again. I don't want that to happen obviously so I know what I need to do.
Lingerie and fun toys are good ideas. Hmmm after pay day we can play...
Please tell me this trust stuff gets easier. I mean I don't feel he is doing anything wrong, but I am so afraid. And without me asking he just does not offer reassurance. And I know I can't ask because that goes no where. in this sitch we have not even talked about the R except in the lightest form of convo since he has been home (about a month). My guess is that it is best, now that he is home I don't want to probe to deep as all the probing may be what caused him to leave to begin with.
So, need to create a comfortable home with no drama (almost all stress and drama comes from me wanting him not to go out without me or him staying out too late.)
But here is the really big problem, I have been with him 14 years and I have been this way (controlling, jealous, needy) the whole time. I admit that I am much better than I used to be but I still have so far to go. I want to change, I do but is freakin hard and I am scared.
Quote: Please tell me this trust stuff gets easier.
Yes. But not without work on your part. My H is wonderful about telling me what he's up to and keeping me involved--and I still worry. So realize that a huge component of this is your own crazymaking.
Distract yourself while he's out. Get your mind on something else. Bite your tongue and change the subject when you feel yourself getting out of hand. Don't expect it to happen overnight--as I said before, I used to drive him nuts.
Have you tried saying "I just need a hug," or "I just need a little reasure," to him before?? And then drop it. The idea is you want him to learn that giving you some reassurance calms you down. (And you want to teach that to yourself, too, so afterward make sure to act calmly.)
So it's been 14 years. Just means that now is the time to change. You owe it to yourself. Think of it as a bad habit you're trying to break, and nothing more stressful than that.
If you think you can...then you can. If you don't, then you've already stopped yourself.
Okay I see what your saying. The whole thing for me is the remain calm part...it is so tough and I am hot headed but I make myself sick. I mean I don't like how I am when I see other people do the same things I think it is ridiculous. I have to change in order to save this M. I am so scared of being hurt / lied too/ made a fool of. When H is not home I ususally don't do anything. I mean I often sit on the couch because I can't focus. Isn't that crazy? It is not because I don'y know how to function alone it is only because I am so afraid he might be with her that I just fret the whole night so by the time he gets home I am wound tight. I am a freak right. Not like I don't have a ton of stuff that needs doin. I just get paralyzed.
Tonight no matter what happens I have to take this in control. It is all my fault, my life is the way I made it.
And I know this is kinda silly but I feel like if I could loose some weight I would feel so different but I can't seem to.
Please don't think me pathetic, I just have some serious issues and am struggling getting a grip.
Last night I felt things were weird when I got home. my crazymaker working double time. I felt like he was lying about where he had been all day nad was not looking me in the eye, plus as soon as I got home he ran upstairs to mess with the phone. Anyway I got outta there and went for a bike ride.
When I got back he went to practice and I did not call and came home around 11:30pm which was not too bad. I still worry he is talking with her but I am trying to act as if and mind stop. She just has such a pull on him it makes me sick. Yet what if I am making myself sick and he is not talking to her at all and I am just inneventing my intuition and it is not real intuition at all.
Update...H just called to say that he knows I am worried because everything seems back to normal but that he could still end up D. He said he does not want me to worry that we are doing the best that we can and if we could just try and keep things moving forward we are making progress. Wow I am so glad he just called me out of the blue like that. It might be the little reassurance I needed to keep going and make some more positive changes. Like really drop the rope on this whole OW thing. I always think I am dropping it but I am quick to snatch it up again.
Sometimes it so helps to hear something positive, it can carry you for days. He also said ILY. First unsolicited, while we were on this brief phone call I was upbeat light giggly, validating and so appreciative that he had called me. (Things I never was before.)
Work on yourself, and how you feel about yourself, and your M will improve.
They might be talking, they might not. These things are almost never a clean break. My H's (female) former roommate still calls him. She doesn't seem to get the hint. But I guarantee if you press him on this that he will take off again. Maybe tell him you trust him to do the right thing, the next time the subject comes up.
Okay, you need some goals. What can you do to feel better about yourself. Do you have a job? A hobby? How about friends you can hang out with when you're feeling stressed? Join the gym, maybe? Maybe try some yoga? Very soothing.
As for the crazymaking, it's okay, I still get queasy when H goes out at night. I was a little funny about it last night, but I know the guy deserves to have a life, too--can't keep him locked up all the time just because he works nights and I'm insecure.
There are lots of ways to get at stopping the thoughts. I thought your bike ride was a great idea. Got you out of the house and distracted. (Exercise is a great mood lifter.) One way is to stay active. Go out when he's gone. Play a video game. Take the dog to a park.
Another way is Michele's stop-sign method. (If you haven't yet, you ought to skip ahead to the chapter on infidelity in DR, tons of great info in there.) Whenever you have thoughts plaguing you that you can't stand, just picture a big red stop sign.
What works really well for me is purposely thinking of something else more cheerful. When I start getting paranoid about H (which does still happen) I think of a better memory. A nice day in the park. How thoughtful he was the other day. How cute he looked when he gave me a hug as I went to work this morning. That sort of thing.
Something else I've found useful...the more I focussed on H's good qualities, the more loving I felt, and the more relaxed our interactions are. Sometimes our spouses pick up on clues from us, whether or not we realize it.
Also, maybe you should check into Michele's KLA CD's. I think they are awesome.
So, what things are you going to do for you today? What can you do, just for yourself, to feel better?
Quote: H just called to say that he knows I am worried because everything seems back to normal but that he could still end up D. He said he does not want me to worry that we are doing the best that we can and if we could just try and keep things moving forward we are making progress.
Awesome!
Now, did you tell him that made you feel much better?? I found when I made sure to tell H what he did helped me out, he made an effort to do it more often.
Glad to hear you're off to a good start! Keep that positive energy moving.
Okay as far as journaling I am just going to say...blah blah blah I very insecure blah blah blah I am completely a craxymaker blah blah brightside I have been biting the tounge. So nothing really to report. He went out last night, I am going out tonight! Shoot even if all my gf's are busy I am just going to go to the all night walmart and walk around for a couple hours. Just need some mystery and maybe for him not to feel so safe that I will be there just waiting around.
I am always just a little on edge. That is what I wonder if it will EVER be comfortable? Not boring just not so scary.
Now to answer the lovely Nevanna's difficult questions:
What am I going to do to work on me?
Well my job just got promoted so I will busier with that, School is gearing up for Wednesday Nights. And a more focused attention to exercise. Also just going to bed and not waiting up for him anymore. (This is something I need to do just for my rest and also to let him know "I don't care if goes out" Even though I totally do. I know he deserves to go out but those friggin trust issues again!)
(I did something similar, and OMG, his reaction was awesome.) Or, maybe buy some new lingerie and let him find you sleeping in it when he comes home...
