moving forward II -- it's a bright, sun-shiny day!

[Nevanna]

Actually, it may not have been clear from what I said above, but the pic was up in his old apartment when he was living with xrm. (Thus my comments about it "falling down" all of the time--I think she was purposefully laying it down or something of the sort.)

To be honest, I don't know where the picture of xrm went.

I do know that he still has pics of xow (the one he had the PA with) undeveloped. H likes to dabble in photography, and has a decent camera, and takes tons of pictures.

I'm not certain he is aware of how much the thought of running across those pictures of xow terrifies me. At first, I asked him to get rid of them. I even considered taking all of the undeveloped stuff in myself, and then just getting rid of them without his knowledge...but I decided against that a long time ago (even before DB) and told H about the little fantasy. I even went through a period where I destroyed (with a lot of enthusiasm) everything from xow...papers with her phone number and e-mail...that sort of thing. I've asked him several times to get rid of those pics, and all he will say is "It's a part of my past, even if I don't like it, and I don't want to forget it."

I'm hoping when those pics are actually developed, he'll realize how much they impact me and get rid of them.

As for xrm...ick...there is stuff in my apartment that belongs to her. Stuff that accidentally got packed with his, like a CD and bathrobe. H has been planning to deliver them back to her for the last week--I asked him if I could throw them out, or if he wanted to give them back, and I haven't touched them since.

So...I guess I've done both. I've pushed, and it doesn't help. (Just made him feel "punished.") As much this sucks, I've pretty much let him know how I feel, and then left it up to him. You can't force that disconnect any fast than it's going to happen.

Have you tried different approaches with your W? If I'm mad, then H just shuts down and retreats. If I'm upset, H will pry and pry until I tell him what's wrong. And if I can get him to ask instead of volunteering, that's better, too. So is there a particular way that works better with your W?

Ever notice how, even for a little question, I tend to write a whole novel? LOL

[Mak_]

So is there a particular way that works better with your W?

If I’m upset I get very quiet and W will pry until she gets an answer.

Let her deal with it in her own time. If you get overly pushy about it she will just get angry back - you know this.

You’re right about this, I cannot force the disconnect. But I am upset because I don’t believe that W is being 100% honest with me. For example, W told me that there would be no more contact with OM, he would not call her and she would not call him. One morning I went to get some coffee and pastries for us, I drove about half a block and realized that I had left my wallet at home. I went back home and went in through the back door. As I was looking for my wallet, I noticed W was upstairs on the phone with OM. I could hear the convo through the heating vents. W told OM to keep a low profile on the phone calls, and that she would call him whenever she could. I could probably look at the next phone bill and confront W with it, but I don’t think it would do any good.

MakDaddy

[xalelle]

As I was looking for my wallet, I noticed W was upstairs on the phone with OM. I could hear the convo through the heating vents. W told OM to keep a low profile on the phone calls, and that she would call him whenever she could. I could probably look at the next phone bill and confront W with it, but I don’t think it would do any good.

Mak, dont confront her. Just keep doing what has been working. Make sure that your M becomes so strong there will be no need for W to call OM any more. Remember, your R is rebuilding, and W is working with you on it, so dont bring up things unnecessarily.

Maby some time down the road after you feel your recovery is more solid, then if things continue you can bring it up, but non-confrontationally. For now just keep working on the M, let the rest take care of itself. You dont want to back up too much, you have too much going for you right now! Your M is strengthining and healing. It will be a long process, and perhaps part of that process is W slowly loosing her dependancy on OM - just keep working on being the more attractive option, whatever that means. Try to find out more about what OM gave to W without accusing or if possible without even asking - just listen to her and make sure there are no un-met needs. Get her to talk about needs out of context of OM...

[Nevanna]

But I am upset because I don’t believe that W is being 100% honest with me.

I know the feeling.

I could probably look at the next phone bill and confront W with it, but I don’t think it would do any good.

Again, you can't push it. I know it sucks you overheard them talking. I don't think confronting her would help much, probably would just push her away, and put her on the defensive--as you know.

H pulled away from xrm veeeery slowly. He really did need to see what a creep she is for himself. All you can is let OM hang himself. He can't be a quality guy to pursue a married woman. Sooner or later, she's going to realize that--and realize what a great H she has.

[Nevanna]

This is for Lady. She was born sometime in the winter of 1988, and she passed away yesterday of old age. She survived being hit by a car (piece of farming equipment?) and getting attacked by another dog. She was great dog--very protective, very energetic, and very affectionate.

Sooo...lots of interesting things happened yesterday.

I now work full-time, so I couldn't wait to get home and see my H. He seemed a little startled by my enthusiasm. (I've been kind of down lately.) I gave him a big hug and lots of kisses.

I told him that I appreciated his letting me be upset for awhile, that I just needed some time to get myself straightened out. And I told him much I loved him and what a great guy he is. He informed me that psycho had called, and he was meeting her for dinner. It didn't bother me much--I knew that was going to happen soon, and I just wanted it out of the way.

He was a little distracted, a little withdrawn. I'm guessing because he was going to meet xrm. He was clearly not looking forward to it, so I left him alone. After he showered, he said he was going to run by "his mom's house" (he stopped calling it his house some time ago...which is funny, since that's technically where he's supposed to be living) to get some other stuff that belonged to xrm, and then be back to change clothes.

H didn't get back for over an hour, and when he did, he was in a worse mood. Said he had a fight with his family, and that he was just going to put everything else at the house in storage. That they were griping at him because he hadn't given them any money even though his things were there, so he was just going to move all of his stuff out.

Which means he will be officially living with me.

H has been there for the last two months, anyway. I was a little weird that he hadn't checked with me first (not that I would have cared...maybe it was something about the assumption on his part). But he has had problems living with me fulltime. He has this real phobia of being trapped--and somehow, the thought that he has somewhere else he can go to other than my place has made a world of difference.

I could tell there was a tension in him about the idea that he really would have to be at my place all of the time now.

So he changed clothes, grabbed the couple of things at my place we thought belonged to her, and took off. (He looked really good when he left...I really wanted to jump him. )

After he left, I started to head to the gym--until I realizead that my gym card was in the car he took. Ah, well. So I ran a few errands to kill some time. I wanted to call him and mention it, but I wasn't sure if that was a good idea. After I got back from the errands, I decided that I wasn't going to do or not do something just because of xrm. I figured if he couldn't take the call, he would just hit the reject button.

So I called him. He was very reserved when he answered the phone--I could hear he was still at the restaurant. I mentioned the card, but told him not to worry about it. He just said uh-uh, and we hung up. I could tell that he was tense.

After I got off the phone with him, I called my dad. My computer completely crashed the other day, and I haven't been able to get it to do anything (reformatted the drive multiple times, deleted the partition, ran fdisk...you name it). I thought the HD went bad, so I called to see if he had a spare. I told him what it was doing, and he said he had the same problem with my brother's gf's comp. Same exact symptoms. He thought it was the HD at the time, too, but found out later that the fan had gone bad, and it was overheating. Yuck. Which would mean I would need a whole new motherboard...what a pain in the butt.

While I was talking with him, H called me. I figured he just wanted to chat since he was out of dinner. Then my dad said my mom wanted to talk to me, and he put her on the phone. She then told me that the dog had "passed away." H was still calling me, but I wanted to hear what happened with the dog first. My mom told me that she had to be put down to sleep earlier in the day.

Since H was still calling me, I told my mom I needed to get off the phone. When I called H, he said he had been getting worried because I hadn't answered. I apologized, told him that I was talking to my parents and that Lady had died. He said he was sorry, and asked if I was okay. I said I would be fine. He told me that he thought things were done with xrm.

So when he got home, he told me that it hadn't been her bathrobe after all. (She thought it was mine...) Anyway, neither one of us have any idea where the black bathrobe came from, so it got thrown away. H said she didn't seem so enthusiastic about seeing him, and he thought maybe she was getting obsessed over some new guy. *(Yay!) He also said she was really surprised to hear that I was pregnant. (H decided to lie and tell her I was pregnant to get her to go away. Okay, so it's more of an exaggeration...we are planning on having kids soon...) I tried to get the details out of him (what she said, what her face looked like) but he just kept saying "she was surprised." (Typical H. He's not the most descriptive.)

I asked if he had remembered to ask her for the money she owes him. He admitted he forgot. (She owes him $90 for the phone and $300 in rent, all of which he really does need.) He said he didn't want to talk to her anymore, though. I asked if it was worth the money for her to go away, and he said he thought it was.

He was very clingy. Curled up on me on the couch and didn't want to let me get up. I think he had a very upsetting day. He asked why I hadn't called him while I was at work, and I asked why he hadn't call me. Usually he's asleep when I call, and I feel bad, but maybe he likes it anyway. I'll just wait until he's probably awake today.

He wound up going to bed with me because he was tired. We ML, which was nice. I had just fallen asleep when he started having the bad dreams again. He hasn't had them in months, but I notice they come back when he's feeling really stressed. (So I know it's possible for him to sleep in the same bed with me...for years he had these dreams every night, until after the first sep.) He was jumping so bad it woke me up, and then him.

He apologized for waking me up. (Poor thing...he's the one with the bad dreams, and he's apologizing to me because I have to work the next day.) I told him not to worry about it, and suggested maybe he should get back up. He said he was too tired. He then starting talking about things that made him happy.

I rolled over, tried to go back to sleep, but I could tell how he was still tense. He said he was afraid. I said I was too. He asked what I was afraid of, and I told him that I was scared of him leaving me again. He said he would never do that again--that he had "learned his lesson" (his words)--but that he was scared of feeling "that way" again.

So I mentioned something I had intended to tell him before--that there are places in town you can rent for a week for about $150. That way there's no obligation or anything, and he would have a little place with a bed and a kitchen to retreat in. (Both times we have seperated, it has only been a couple of weeks before he's wanted to come home. It's just that he was doing things so fast that he was in this big mess before he knew what was going on.)

He then asked if they had these up by where he worked. I said I thought so, but I didn't know. He also mentioned that maybe he could stay with MF for a few days. I said that was also a good idea. H said the thought that he did have a place to go if he got worked up gave him a lot of comfort. I told him once we got a house, he would have his own room to do whatever he wants with. That we would put the spare bed in there, and he could set up the room however he wanted, and I wouldn't go in there.

He gave me a hug, told me that made him feel better. Knowing H, I suspect that just having that retreat will, most days, make him feel better. I'm betting he won't have to use it that much--which is what had been going on right now, with him "living" at his mom's house, but always staying at my place.

H told me several times that it wasn't me he was trying to get away from. And that it wasn't being M to me that made him feel trapped. I'm not sure he does know what it is. I told him it was okay.

He finally decided to get up and run some errands. Not sure how we got back to talking about xrm, but I asked him what exactly she had said that night he had asked me not to stay at my apartment alone. (Previous apartment.) He said she was "talking crazy." I asked him what she had said that he thought was so crazy. He finally told me that xrm had said that she knew where I lived and knew where I slept. (Um, yeah, that is kind of crazy.)

I asked him how he thought she knew that, and he said he thought she had either followed him or me there. Although I'm not sure who--H is the paranoid type, and has told me on occasion he felt like he was being followed. And I'm not sure where she would have followed me from. I don't think she knows where I work. Although she could also have just as easily seen his car from the road--it's pretty distinctive.

Doesn't matter. I guess he told her I was moving to the opposite side of town I'm really on.

He did tell me that he didn't miss xrm anymore. (Yay!) Said he did miss some of her friends--but he can't hang out with them without being around her, and he wants nothing to do with her. Some of the stuff he said also made me think I might have been reading too much into their friendship. I don't know. It's so easy to get the wrong impression...either way.

I guess it doesn't really matter. Just want to put it behind us!

[havefaith]

Nevanna,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope this helps you.

THE RAINBOW BRIDGE

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

[Nevanna]

Thank you. That's very sweet.

My dad and I figure Lady was easily 17 years old--a good, old age for an outdoor dog. She really hadn't been well the last year or so. I was a little kid when she was born...kind of grew up with her.

Lady was my grandmother's dog (one of the puppies our dog Misty had). Misty passed away while I was still in high school. My grandmother suffered from Alzheimers, was in nursing homes for years, and finally passed away this past February. Lady was one of the last tangible connections I had to that childhood. She was really a great dog.

I remember the last time she was injured. Being an outside dog, we didn't realize that she had been hurt for several days, and by the time we took her to the vet, there was a huge hunk of dead flesh that had to be removed from her back. She was never a very cuddly dog, but all the way home from the vet she insisted on laying on me. Even when we brought her in the house, she would not get off of me.

I didn't really get to say goodbye to her. I'm not sure if being there when she was euthanized would have been better or not.

I'm going to find a good picture of her, and then post a memorial on the DogStar website.

[Mak_]

Nevanna,

I'm sorry to hear about your dog and also about your grandmother. All I can say is that I feel for you, I've been in your shoes. Last year we lost both of our cats, they had to be put to sleep on the same day. We lost FIL soon after, we lost them all to cancer. I know it's difficult, but you pull through. D4 does not understand it yet, so we just tell her that Grandpa and the kitties are in the hospital because they have a boo boo

MakDaddy

[Nevanna]

Thanks Mak. I'm feeling a little calmer now. Still sad, I miss her. I had been wanting to go spend a nice day with her outside sometime...was just waiting for a day when it wouldn't be too hot for her.

H gave me a big hug, though. He was very sweet, told me I should take a rose out to where she's buried. He always liked her well, but hadn't seen her in a very long time, because of the sitch. (Lady stayed at my parents' house.) He's a real animal lover (like me), and I think he was kind of hurt as well.

H just left for work. I'm feeling very calm about our R today. Much better after his dinner yesterday with xrm. It's a nice feeling.

Hope you have a good evening. I'm going to have glass of wine and curl up in bed.

[Nevanna]

Noticed this again with my H last night--it still surprises me. So I'm starting to calm down again, after we reconciled, and starting to feel in control and relaxed and happy and confidant. All those nice things. (Funny how the reconciliation threw me sooo out of whack.) And now he's the one who is uptight and concerned and needy.

Actually, he's been pretty clingy lately. He couldn't wait for me to get off of work yesterday. I'm only here another 1 1/2 hour now...but when he called me in the afternoon, he said he couldn't hardly stand it. He also waited on me to get home from work to go the gym...and then didn't go at all since I couldn't until I ate. He ran out of time before he had to go to work. (And this is a guy obsessed with the gym.)

I also told H last night that my new payrate is going to kick in sooner than I had thought. He asked again if he could quit a job (he works at two bars now), and I told him of course he could. That way we can actually go out together on the weekends. He said he might not, because he really likes the people he works with at the second job--so he might just request days off now. Which will work just fine. At least now we can go out and have some fun together.

Anyway, I'm feeling calm. Told H that yesterday, and had thanked him for letting me be neurotic for awhile. Gave him a hug when he left for work. All that nice good stuff.

So when H came in last night, he was really upset. Kept going on about how he was still upset by something. Took me a minute to figure out what he was talking about, but it was an incident at my former job...during the first sep, and before I learned not to involve coworkers... Anyway, he was going on again about how hurt he was about the whole thing. Even in my sleep I can validate. (Actually, it's easier for me...a lot of my DBing was done in my sleep over the last few months...LOL)

Didn't argue with him or tell him my side of it. He actually then justified my actions a bit--said that I was listening to other people too much, and let them influence me. (Which kind of irritates me, because WTF did he think he was doing when he was hanging out with xow all the time?? If it weren't for that whore he would have never tried to leave me the first time...!)

He wanted me to go lay down with him on couch, but I was feeling pretty sick, so I asked him to just let me sleep. I must have been pretty congested, because I was having a hard time breathing with the smoke smell stuck on his shirt. Usually it's not such a big deal (even though it stinks).

He asked me again when I got up this morning to stay home from work. (I think he's asked me to stay home just about every day for the last two months. At least Labor Day is coming up... )