maybe my light bulb is being really slow to come on....I'll have to see what the evening is like, but I think I got a really positive response to my email, and H said before he liked emails and that the "love notes" helped....I've backed off when his OW contact picked back up....but maybe I shouldn't back off...more food for thought to consider here... Gotta sign off and go get S....
Quote: maybe my light bulb is being really slow to come on
It looks to me like you're "seeing" everything just fine. In my opinion this is the kind of "stuff" you want to take slow...so you can observe/evaluate response.
Quote: I think I got a really positive response to my email, and H said before he liked emails and that the "love notes" helped....I've backed off when his OW contact picked back up....but maybe I shouldn't back off
"Keep" what you get a positive response on .. try not to repeat anything that you get a negative response on. It's sounding like you're figuring it out ... slow but sure!! (which is the pace you WANT to move on these things..)
... Again , it is a slow process, but you ARE doing it!!
Deb, His response is completely positive! a little sexy even- you should totally read this as positive, this is maybe your opportunity to be the one H turns to for fun, comfort and happiness. Enjoy! Make it fun and stop worrying about or reading into his comments or lack of.... sometimes I think we have such difficult complex ideas when theirs are so simple. would nt it be great if we were that simple too
Congrats! defilnitely a positive and I dont think you were pursuing, you were being available and open without pressure. Shay
I've been meaning to ask you this ?, but I don't want to put the crazymaker light on. If you would rather put all this in the past and not answer my ?'s that is fine.
In regards to your H and his OW, how did they meet? Did they always work together? I remember something about her moving, was it to be close to H, to work with H? Did she divorce her H to be with yours? Does she have an apt or a house with a mortgage?
I only bring this up becuz I wonder if the reason that your H isn't OW free is becuz he somehow feels responsible or beholden for getting her to where she is now and then "abandoning" her.
Your H may not be financially responsible for OW, but that emotional responsibility may be why he still calls her.
I know that is part of my H's problem, that he feels responsible for leading OW astray.
He still has that stupid apt in Brazil with her name on the lease. He pays for it and she still lives there I think. She couldn't afford to live there on what she makes.
I don't know if it is possible to get out of the lease, it would take her cooperation and I am darn sure that won't be forthcoming.
Ticks me off becuz in Dec he paid OW all the rent $ through June..and now he is back in for another year.
All these are reasons why the BIble says not to commit adultery, becoming one flesh with a woman who is not your wife leads to all sorts of problems, duh.
I have often wondered why my H has never lost his desire for me and why it is so great if he does not want to be home.I can touch his hand and he is ready to go. The man is sooooo totally turned on by me. He always has been. When I go the xtra mile he really goes crazy!!!!
Hi Pamila, I'm just getting a chance to check in here.....
You asked:
Quote: In regards to your H and his OW, how did they meet? Did they always work together? I remember something about her moving, was it to be close to H, to work with H? Did she divorce her H to be with yours? Does she have an apt or a house with a mortgage?
I only bring this up becuz I wonder if the reason that your H isn't OW free is becuz he somehow feels responsible or beholden for getting her to where she is now and then "abandoning" her.
Your H may not be financially responsible for OW, but that emotional responsibility may be why he still calls her.
I don't mind discussing this....
OW moved here from Arkansas a year ago this past November, she graduated from high school in this town, has a mother and at least one, i think 2 sisters here, although she grew up in Guam, according to H, in a military family....her father is deceased....she divorced while she was in Arkansas....her H had an affair and married his OW, according to my H. She came to work here where we've both worked for the last 16 years when she moved up here....her office was right next door to H's, and evidently he was more unhappy than I ever dreamed; Honest to God I was totally clueless....looking back I guess I should have known, but I guess I thought it was just part of what you go through in a life long marriage. OW was living with a BF when she started working here, then she left BF and bought a house in a small town, I believe so she & H would be less likely to be seen....although 20% of our staff lives in that town. So she is the proud owner of a house with a mortgage and a lawn to mow and property taxes to pay, and all that good stuff. Sometimes I wonder what this woman has for brains if she would do all this based on messing around with some guy who's been married 24 years and in the throes of MLC and is still married and living with his family and probably whines alot to her about his hard life, but........?????? Good Heavens! H helped her move last August....I became supicious about the time the EA turned into a PA from what H has said, and I REALLY smelled a rat about the time he helped her move, although it was mid-october before I had proof. I know everybody is sick of hearing about H's wedding ring, but he took it off a year ago about now, just a while before he helped OW move, so I believe that's why his wearing it or not has such huge significance to me.....for a while I would ask him about it and he would make snide and snotty comments, then when I found out about the A, I said something and he said "I don't think I SHOULD be wearing it now, do you?" very angrily....so this kind of sets the background for me to view it as a very important symbol/thermometer of progress in our M
I believe you are abosolutely right about OW manipulating to make H feel guilty about her sacrifices of moving and buying the house. In fact H has said exactly that...and that she is really good at heaping on the guilt. He has said he NEVER said a word or encouraged her to do it in anyway....but still he feels hugely guilty because of it.He has even mentioned her talking about her expectation that he would be living there and paying part of the bills this summer.
H's guilt concerns me greatly....I don't know how to handle it....or help him hadle it more accurately....I believe he does love me and his guilt over "leading her astray" is a big part of what keeps him connected to her, although I know he "loves" her..... If anybody has any thoughts on how to effectively deal with this, I would sure be interested in them! I'll have to post about last night in a little while....and some ideas I'm having (some times I scare myself with my ideas)
I don't know which feeds the crazymaker more, when H is cheerful and in a good mood, or when he's withdrawn or sad or grumpy....
last night and this morning, H has been really cheerful and happy. It's nice, but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and wondering "why" the change in his demeanor...
to recap....yesterday when H got home from work he was cheerful...we went out to do chores and I gave him a quick hug....we were hurrying, and so he wasn't real "amorous"...not distant, but not "into it"....I said "oh, H, do you mean you get tired of having a hot girl grabbing at you all the time...or older woman, I guess depending on how you look at it? (I'm 4 mos older)....he had started to turn away, but I saw the corners of his mouth twitch up in a grin....he just said "well, I don't know"....H walked for 2 hours, I did my tape and watered flowers and picked up the house. When he got home we sat and talked a while, went to bed about 9:30....H was "waiting" when I got to the bedroom....H was "horny"....frankly it was "sex" more than ML, which is ok....H "talked naughty", mentioned that maybe we should think about having sex 2X/day (???????!!!!!) and made a wierd comment afterwards that I've pondered all day. He said "all I ever wanted was to make you come...I didn't think you could" This is strange, because I've been able to have orgasms before....I don't know what to think about his comment, but it makes me wonder if sex -or rather lack there of- is a bigger issue than Mr. "It's not all about sex" wants to admit -or wants me to know. I dont know, it's just all so confusing.....
This morning H was cheerful, but I didn't "mush" all over him....told him last night was great, gave him a couple quick kisses, was cheerful/upbeat, but not real "romantic" or demonstrative....I sent H an email about 10 that just said I wanted him to know I was thinking of him and hoping he had a good day....I got one back about 11 that said "thanks, it's been really busy", and I havent heard another word from him......
I don't know what to think about his attitude, comments, behaviors....i know it can be an exercise in futility to try to figure it out, but I also feel like he's starting to be more open about what's deep in his "heart", and I don't want to miss his messages....any thoughts or input here, anyone?
weird, I made a reply and it wouldnt let me post....guess I'll try again. could be the thread is about to lock, I don't know.....anyway, heres the earlier reply:
Hi Shay, thanks. I thought, and still do, that it was a positive, and I'm going to try to have some fun and even see what happens if I "go after him"....I don't know, this feels kind of risky because it would be definitely pursuing, but I think H likes to be pursued....I'm absolutely convinced it worked for OW, that's what she did when he perceived me as being distant and stand-offish.... I've been having the thought a lot lately that I need to get across the idea that the good, fun, happy things in his life come through our R, not the "other one"...no small task, but I believe if I focus on it, I can make steps in that direction.
I am seriously considering pursuing H almost shamelessly for a couple of weeks to see what happens.....that would be a 180....I have NEVER done that....and then I can do a 180 and stop chasing him and "create a little mystery", right?
I'm thinking of -- unless some wise soul here talks me out of it -- starting off by writing out a list of reasons why he is special to me (I'm trying to get to 101, only have 65 so far) and then printing that off on heavy paper or having it laminated, cutting it into 4 or 6 pieces like a puzzle, and then mailing him one piece a week to his out-of-town office. the last piece he gets will be signed by me.....I know, sounds really corny and teenager-ish, but it's not illegal, immoral or explicity harmful, so, what the heck?
I'm also thinking of buying some bottles with corks and putting romantic messages in them and leaving them for him.....or putting them in his lunch. I actually had 2 ideas for naughty polaroids to put in his lunch, but they're pretty racy so I wont describe them....
I bought some cards to put in his lunch, even wrote 2 of them out, and then darned if I can find where I put the things . D wrote notes little cards and hid them around the house for her new H to find "eventually"....I might try something like that....
. D wrote notes little cards and hid them around the house for her new H to find "eventually"....I might try something like that....