I called my husband last weekend. He had previously invited me to join him for dinner, but he hadn't set up a day/time. This time he asked if we could get together this coming weekend. He asked what I wanted to do and he suggested Dinner and a Movie. He knows that's my favorite fun activity.
The only time I saw him since we separated (4 months ago) was for 10 minutes. Now he's suggested spending around 3 hours together for our first 'date'.
I'm thinking dark movie theater...maybe he'll reach for my hand!
When we used to go to movies together, we'd prop our feet up on the seats in front of us and our legs would touch. We'd often hold hands, or I'd just be resting my hand on his thigh.
I don't want to pressure him, but I also don't want to look like I don't want to touch him.
Quoting PhoenixNTraining: I'm thinking dark movie theater...maybe he'll reach for my hand!
You are expecting tooo much! Believe me, you'll only regret it. My advice is to got the movies and just be relaxed and happy. Show him you are alright and that you dont NEED him. (you may WANT him, but you dont need him). Take your cues from him...if he gets close and seems to want to take your hand...let him. But dont push things, NO pressure! be cool and enjoy yourself!
Phoenix: I dont know your h but in my case, in our firsts dates on reconciliaion time i think he was so guilty inside and afraid of a rejection from mine bacsue going so rapidly, that i can tell you we make love a month after that, when he finally get home again...!!... So, dont expect too much.. i think maybe this is better for both... take it slowly and enjoy... enjoy a lot
I hadn't heard back from H since that phone call last sunday. I had the feeling/fear that he was just asking me out on an outing to dinner/movie to butter me up so that when he asked for email detailing how much he owes on debt and how much he's paid...that I'd comply. Paronoid? I'm not sure.
Well, thurs I emailed him to tell him that I needed to take a rain-check on meeting as some unexpected expenses had come up and wiped out the money I had saved for our meeting.
This a) shows that I've taken responsibility of my financial situation
b) is a 180 because in the past I'd drop everything for him, overcome whatever problems for him...basically put him before myself because I didn't care about anything except being with him.
and c) I asked in the email for him to respond by next wed or I'd go ahead and make other plans...and that's a 180 because it shows I'm not waiting around for him but living my life.
So..this is a good thing for me to have done...but I keep getting anxious now. I'm hoping that the result will be that he'll see that I'm standing up for myself and he'll respect me more.
But I'm worried that since he only asked for meeting (I don't want to call it a date cause he's not called it that) when I called that he's waiting for me to contact him and taking a rest in the backseat leaving me driving..which would just be more of the same for us.
I hope this makes some sense!
Words of reassurance would be helpful...as well as advice. Anyone care to offer any?
I spoke to H last night. He asked if he could call me at work to set up our meeting. I am thrilled. This is a long distance call for him. It also means that he wasn't just buttering me up to get me to email him info. I emailed the info he requested and he's still wanting to hang out with me.
I'm also thrilled because this means he's going to take the iniative to contact me.
Ok...so, now I have a question for everyone. When you and your spouse began the reconciliation process, did they act friendly and as though 'dating' was a natural place for your relationship to be? I've had the impression that for many people the spouse who had left was reluctant to begin this process.
Is it common for the Walk Away Spouse to be friendly and happy about having a 'date' with the Left Spouse? Particulary when it's the first 'date'?
I'd really like to hear from people on their first steps on this path.
It went really well. He told me that he still loved me...he held my hands, he hugged me, he called me beautiful, he cried twice. He held doors open for me, he was very respectful. And he apologized for treating me badly.
Wow.
However, he said he doesn't want to go back to our marriage the way it used to be. And that he still doesn't know what he wants to do.
I assured him that I didn't want to go back to it either. That I want a new marriage with him.
But for someone who doesn't know whether he wants to continue our marriage, he sure said/did a lot of nice things.
He said that if he knew that we could improve our marriage and turn what was bad before into good times, then he'd want to try again.
I told him that out of respect for his needing space/time that I will wait for him to ask me out and to chase me. I told him that I'm afraid part of our problem is that I chased him, I asked him to marry me, and I suspected that he didn't really know what he wanted to do then, but because I was so strongly persuing him, he chose to marry me. I told him that I want to be sure that he's with me because he wants to be with me, not because I've chased after him.
He said he understood and then asked, teasingly, if this was really just a 'the guy should ask the girl on a date' thing or what.
I just repeated that I wanted to give him the time/space he needs, and not repeat the mistakes of the past.
The evening went really well. He was such a gentleman to me and I felt like a lady for the first time with him, in a long time.
And he told me that he misses cuddling with me.
So, I'm really up right now.
I know that I still have a lot of work to do. I need to keep focusing on making my positive changes more permanent and more habitual.
I intend to keep reading the boards and to keep posting.
Now could be a good time to introduce sem good marriage counseling to the mix! Sometimes it is not the desire to get back together and making things work that is the problem, it is the "How do we do this?".
Thanks for replying to my post! That's a good idea. I'll see how our next date goes. He's always been resistant to counseling in the past, however, perhaps if I approach it as utilizing an objective person to help us make the transition, maybe he'll be willing.
and enjoy yourself!
