Hi Everyone, I really want to work on selfish H around creating memories.
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
I worked really hard DBing and H came home I guess I should be satisfied with that. He is here in the house working hard again fixing home. But he is not creating any memories with children girl(14)and boy (12). Great kids. I dont see any bond with them and their father. He never takes them anywhere, he expects them to work hard like he does or he is dissatisfied with them.
Last night I was watching son out the back tieing up brush. I thought he did a great job. H got after him he should have known better to make sure they measured 3 feet lengths. I told him that wasnt part of the instructions he said I should have known better I have been doing this for years.
Well he made me mad.
I went down to talk with him. Our friend is waiting on news of his sons cancer 15 years old howe advanced it is. I made a comment to H one person is waiting for news of son and another person him is worried more about what the garbage man is going to think than how his son feels. I guess I could relate it to worry about friends son but H does this alot of times with us. He sets up little problems so we will get mad and leave him alone.
Any ideas getting tired of being pleasant and wonderful all the time with little in return. Thanks in advance Loretta
I was on the path to be just like your H except our 3 S were much younger as was I when my W straightened me out. H sounds very driven yet very unhappy so it will be difficult. Try this, don't just tell H he is hurting you and kids give him some solutions. That is what my W did for me. She flat told me how I should have reacted to a given sitch with the kids. Seems silly but that is what it took. I was offended at first but then tried it and it worked. I felt like an ass but it saved my M and my R with 3 of the greatest little boys in the world. ALERT: Men are dense and need step by step instruction with relationships. Your H anger may make this difficult but do what you can. Also explain that it isn't very rewarding to have children that will grow up to hate you. That is a paraphrase of what my W said to get it through mu dense skull. Good luck and keep after him with solutions. Not for his sake but for your kids. It will be easier if you are doing it for the kids.
I used to tell my H how he should handle a particular sit with our kids. That was part of me being the involved parent and my H being the distanced one. It reached a point where if H wanted to talk w the kids he didn't want me in the room...
...Fast forward to us 8 months after our bomb.
My kids want to bridge w their father. They want him to approach them. Not gonna happen. H is a conflict avoider and doesn't seek to be on the defensive. He is a just get over it and move on kinda guy. He isn't happy (right) now and when he does something he is labor intensive. He wants our Son to take the initiative and get busy learning from him.
Lately, I've been able to explain to H that S is like him in that he responds better to words of affirmation. Yelling doesn't work w H. Asking does.
I'd like to suggest that you encourage your kids to look for small ways that they can bridge to their dad. My mom used to have me take water to my dad when he was working outside (my father and I had no R but she put me where he would see my sincere efforts). If you can quietly coach your kids then your H will notice. Give H the credit, sort of "Acting As If. . ."
The idea here is to change your H's perception of his children. If they can approach him in a positive way then that will encourage him to respond in a positive way. You, the db mom, would not be perceived as a controlling figure by getting in his face and telling him what to do w the children.
Good luck. It is so important for the children and parents to bridge!
Thanks Lily, how come I never thought of that. I will give it a try tonight. When I came home from work I didnt know what I was going to do I know talking get you nowhere becuase he doesnt see he is a part of the problem. I feel better now Loretta
Hi Thone, Thank-you also for your reply. I didnt see it earlier. Since H has returned home I have been helping him with relating to the children. He has made some small gains, but he is not consistent and tends to go back into that selfish frame of mind when allowed. I really like that statement your wife made to bring you back on line.
And Lily I tried your suggestion. In one day what a turn around something so simple. I told the kids that I am doing something new with D they know his past and they know he is a work in progress but that it is my job and they shouldnt jump on the bandwagon with me. D sometimes thinks she is in charge here. You gotta love her, she is amazing. They have mutured quickly really before their time over all of this.
Anyway Lily I just told them they have to do one thing nice for D everyday. It cant be obvious. So when H walked in the door son greeted him with a high D. That was his contribution. Daughter asked him if she could make him a cup of coffee. At bedtime son yelled out night d. That is all they did. H came home last night daughter met him at his truck, made us both a cup of coffee because we went out to pick up a boat part. On the drive out H told me to call and check on the kids make sure they all right. He never says that. And he was talking about bringing them close to the airport to watch the big jets come in. He talked all the way home about that which road he could go on because they have closed off most due to security. So thanks Lily. You are amazing.
Thone,I can do the kiss thing with him. Next time I see selfishness I will give him a long hard kiss to remind him and I will tell him if I notice selfishness this will be a reminder that it is ok to need time for yourself but we are creating memories here and enough is enough. I know my lips are going to get pretty sore before we solve this one.
Lily I have also posted in sexual issues on sit. can you also help me out in the bedroom. Any more great ideas. Thanks in advance. I will let you know. Have a great weekend. Take care Loretta
Thone just to straighten out any confusion. The part I wrote about the deep kiss. I just realized that came from Phoniex. I am going to try both. Thanks again Loretta
My kids are being stubborn. Just yesterday D told her dad to stop acting like a child (he was verbally rude to her). Not gonna work, sweetie.
I have to find a moment where I can approach them and remind them that the three of them are all respondees to 'words of affirmation'.
With the daughter I will ask her to think how best someone could reach her in a conflict situation. Would calling her a child because of her behavior pull her back or push her away.
With Son I have to remind him that if I tell him to do something he always says, "ask me, mom, don't tell me". His dad is the same.
Our C told me once that the children deserve a relationship w their dad. She told me that I am not to be the bridge.
Your blessed children are beginning their bridges to their dad. He is responding.
Later, our C told me that it's okay for me to be "the family's bridge". Afterall, I am the historian and can supply missing bits of info in various situations. Also, the mom is the "keeper of the family rituals" like how christmas is celebrated and faviote family recipes and so many other little rituals of family unity.
Hi Lily, sometimes the messages the kids give can be very powerful. On the way to the cottage with kids, friends and H in the car, H started to get a little miserable. Daughter spoke to him outside the car. Dont you be miserable and ruin my weekend. He told me later do you know what she said to me. He actually stopped his behaviour and made it a nice trip. Loretta
I think it was very good that your D said ". . .and ruin MY weekend". She kept it between the two of them. No way could you be called as being manipulative or controlling.
I plan to order Michelle's book about getting your H to do what you want. I must have been doing it wrong for years and want to correct my bad interpersonal habits. Maybe this book will guide me.
My H loves our 22 year old D so much. She gives him a great deal of credit for preparing her 'to take on the world'. Theirs is a huge emotional rift. I hope they will be able to bridge.
Something for you to think about for the future. How was your Hs dad w him, discipline wise? He will probably react to disciplinary stuff the same way his father did.
Our C suggested that my H 'not be his father' when dealing w our Son but rather try negoitating with him. She told him flat out that he'd been behaving as a teenager (MLC factor/affair/etc) and it would be difficult for our young male to accept his authority. At 17, our S is entering the phase where he will want to challenge the alpha male. H refuses to abdicate (that's how he phrased it in C session). That was when C said that negoitiation was the way for him to succeed w son.
Lilly Thats the problem H never had a father he was just treated badly in the foster homes. Yelled at,treated like a slave for the people to get things done around their homes. Grass, snow etc.
Same sitch. S(12) doesnt have any respect for his dad or any memories. H is a good student and when I think back about last summer the two of them and all of us are in a much better postion.
H and I sat outside last night. S kept coming out to tell D the hockey score. H said do you mind if I go in and watch the game. I said no as long as you are going to go in to create memories for your son. I finished BBQ went in and listened to S asking questions and H answering. H is a smart man about life he reads everything he can get his hands on. I have told him he has so much to share S in like a sponge.
Lily what did the C mean about negotiations with H and S relationship. You are already in the thick of teenagehood. I would be interested to know more to tackle the pitfalls ahead.
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