Husband says he wants to work on marriage instead of putting the kids through a divorce. He wants me to know too that just because he has made this decision that it doesn't mean he loves me again or will one day. We never did stop having sex and he never moved out. Just one day told me he didn't know if he loved me anymore. I think he's fighting his feelings and doesn't WANT to love me anymore but still has a small shred of love left. However, he has told me at any time I've gotten a hint of encouragement that it "doesn't mean anything". He even told me he had feelings for me one day when I asked him why he was still having sex with me. We've been married for 19 years. I've been applying DB techniques since February and he has noticed the changes, although he's convinced they won't last. I want him to fall in love with me again.
Well, just keep applying them DBing techniques, and prove him wrong about his being convinced that they won't last. Let me tell you a little secret.... The DB techniques are FOR YOU, not for him, and they will make you a better, happier person. If he doesn't like that better happier person, he's a fool. Make yourself better. You are, and you deserve to know that.
I don't know all of your story, but your H sounds a lot like mine did three years ago. In the nutshell, he had an affair. He told me about it. Said he doesn't love me and didn't think he ever did. Had found his soulmate. Was happy for the first time in his life. Was going to move out. Decided to stay. Stayed for the kids and didn't love me. I continued to DB. 6 months later he couldn't hide it any longer...he loved me. Three years later we are more in love than we have ever been. Our communication skills have improved a hundredfold. We are happy, healthy, and in a deeply committed relationship again...heart and soul. It takes time and patience. His affair has not been erased from my head, but as the saying goes, we should not forget history lest it repeat itself. But that all-consuming feeling has gone and I have learned to control what I think about and when I think about it. So you are on the right path. right now he doesn't want to tell you he loves you because then that would have made everything he is feeling right now a lie. My H contrived a whole scenario in his own mind of how bad our marriage was to make what he was doing right. It is funny because we used to write each other these little notes almost on a daily basis before his Affair. When I take them out now and show them, he can't believe that he believed we were in such a bad place maritally. He contrived a lot of his unhappiness and non-loving feelings to rationalize his affair. It took a long time for him to get over his guilt and wrongdoing. And since he was willing to stay, even though in his own mind he didn't think he'd ever be happy again, he was able to see what a beautiful and special relationship we have. So take time. I learned on this website that healing time equals one month for each month of marriage. That pretty much covered the time I needed to trust my h. I'm not sure I'll ever get over the A entirely, but I am able to function very well right now and love my H completely. Keep working on yourself and put your best effort into the marriage. He'll come around. Karen
Karen, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I'm happy for you. There hasn't been another woman here, thank God. Tell me what you did that made your marriage better again. Counseling,books etc. I appreciate anything you can tell me as this is the most important thing to me. Lisa
Lisa, Probably what I will tell you is what everyone else will tell you. You need to DB and work on yourself. No matter how hard you try, you can not change your H or his feelings. Whatever he is feeling right now, whether real or contrived, he feels that he has the right to feel that way, much like the way that you feel that your marriage is worth saving and that you love your husband no matter what. So now you have to think about you. What can you do to make yourself better, stronger, more independent, happier? I know if I didn't find this board immediately after I heard of H's affair, I may have ruined everything. I started being very businesslike and basically put my kids and myself ahead of everything else. I knew I had to be strong for them, because I really didn't know where the next few months would take me. So the boys and I did things together...even so much as washing and waxing the car!!! I began taking 4 mile walks with my sisters (which I have still continued after almost 3 years...up every morning at 5 to get the walk in before work). I made sure that my family knew that H was still the father of my children and I never wanted to hear them speak poorly of H. I was making arrangements for my H to get all pertinent information that he would need concerning school events and activities. But I also laid groundrules as to how visits would go and if there were to be a divorce I would start the proceedings. It only seemed right. He started noticing changes in me right away, and although he didn't leave as scheduled and told me at first that he was staying for the kids and that was all, he wasn't willing to give in to any feelings for me right away. So I read the DB book again and again, as well as some others such as After the Affair. I continued to work on myself, didn't force any sexual issues with him, didn't bring up his affair. Then we actually started to communicate. We would talk for hours about nothing and everything. We spent time together. He started doing things around the house again. It just all seemed to come together. His affair ended sometime in Sept. of 1999, but he didn't even mention the love word to me until January of 2000. Then it came more frequently and more easily. So I guess my best advice to you right now is to work on yourself. If you can find my old threads and the threads of Jenny Baker, you can see that sometimes these things take a lot of time to get back on track, but in both of our cases, we let the H take his time to sort through feelings while we made ourselves better for us, not for them. Good luck. Karen
Thanks again Karen, I am just trying to improve myself because I truly don't like how I became, a lot like my father who verbally abused my mother terribly. I grew up telling myself I wasn't going to marry a man who treated me like that, instead I married a man who pretty much treated my wonderfully and "I" treated HIM like my father treated my mother. I'm in counseling to sort that out and get rid of it. H and I are getting along great, yesterday and last night went very well, he even held me in bed last night and this morning. Lisa
