D18 is sabatoging DB'ing!!!!!

[trytoohard]

DB'ing like crazy the last several weeks and OH MY GOODNESS does it work! D18 had a blow out with her dad (my H) this week and it opened an opportunity for me to see if I have truely changed the way I handle crisis in my life and how I repond to my H. Instead of immediately jumping on her side or defending her, I asked calmly and lovingly for his side of the story. Well, of course D18's story was only about 50% accurate and I agreed that she should not have instigated this nasty exchange with her dad. We talked for 2 hours, about R and the future and it was wonderful. I did tell him that I was not interested in saving this marriage as "this" marriage is horrible and should die, but that I did not want to divorce "him", I wanted to start over as adults and build a new relationship with him. The huge problem now is our D18. Her R with H is terrible as he has said some terrible things in the past and done some things that she perceives as being very wrong. My H and I hung out most of yesterday, he came over early afternoon, left for a few hours then came back and watch a movie with me, D18 and her boyfriend. It was very late and I asked my H to stay if he wanted to. D18 had a hissy fit! H left quickly with very hurt feelings and all I want to do now is strangle D18. I told her that I do not need her permission to do anything and it was none of her business. She is basically behaving in a way that says she wants me to choose between her and her father! HELP!!!
She will graduate soon and we have always been very close until the last few months. I am seeing for the first time how manipulative she really is! I don't want to lose my daughter but I don't want to lose my H and our chance at a new relationship. Yesterday was the first time we had any physical contact since he left. He hugged me hard then kissed me good-bye and the look on his face was one of longing and wanting things to be better between us, and of not really wanting to go. I plan to schedule C session for her next week but since she is 18, may not agree to go. Suggestions would be wonderful as all of the hard work I have put into this potential reconciliation is now destroyed.

[trytoohard]

By the way, H has never done anything inappropriate to D18, now physical or sexual abuse, just psychological. He is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for over 4 months now. She is harboring so much anger over things he has said to her and S15. My H would be nice to my face then vent to the kids about me, terrible huh? They felt like they needed to protect me and wouldn't tell me this and things would come out from D18 when she was angry. I realize that his R with his daughter is his to fix, I am truely in the middle, just don't know where to start. D18 is on prozac and it does seems to help her depression but I have to resist the urge to tell her to get a life of her own and stay out of mine, she has legit issues that she needs to deal with with her father, not me.

[brandnewday]

I can totally relate to you!!
My D17 is very angry with her dad and she can sometimes stir the pot and cause so much turmoil in our house.
She has a wonderful boyfriend and they have been together for 3 years. She tries to compare her dad with her boyfriend and says things like **** would never treat me that way, etc.
We had a huge blow up last week and it left me feeling so torn, as I love both of them. She is leaving for college in 9 months and then I will be alone with the little kids. She doesn't seem to understand that I really miss my H and she can not understand why I forgive him for leaving our family.
I think what it basically comes down to is that she is very upset that her dad is not at home anymore. She was always his princess and now that he has left me, she takes it as a personal offence against her.
She doesn't get it that the whole family is suffering not just her.
Her words and her actions can sometimes be so hurtful but I do understand why she feels that way.
Although she thinks she is sooo grown up, inside she is still a little girl that needs her daddy

[trytoohard]

Wow, good to hear I'm not alone in this problem. The difference between our sitch's is that our daughter never felt like daddy's princess. She has always wanted that and my H seemed to come off most of the time as begrudging having to do things with the kids or dreading "having" to go to one of their activities. She talked to my H this weekend and got alot of this out in the open, told him she wanted to forgive him for all of the things that he has done to hurt her, even things he may not be aware of that hurt her unintentionally. My H is communicating with me so much better since our talk last week. I enjoy so much hearing from him (I am still DB'ing by A** off!) but I am letting him call me, giving him the space and time to process things his own way and backing off. That has made a huge difference in our R. We are leaving Wednesday for a big race in Oklahoma that will run over the holidays. I have invited him to go and watch S15 race. He told me after our D18's hissy fit this past Saturday that he was not going to join us as he did not want to make "anyone" uncomfortable or cause tension that would negatively impact our son who is competing. I told him that I wanted him to go and our S15 wanted him to go and that I did not want to give her that much power. He told me he would talk to her and take ownership for the hurts he has caused her and try to start mending their relationship! I am so happy for both him and our D, this has been a long time in coming. I'll post the results if she chooses to share them with me.