I'm over from "We're separated" at long last. My W and I reconciled after almost ten months separated, and I couldn't be happier.
I think my signature line has links to my sitch - but suffice it to say it was a lot of the same old stuff during separation.
We've been together now again for about 3 or 4 months now and the newness is starting to wear off. This is probably to be expected as we settle down into our 9 year marriage again. There are a lot of positives in everything now.
I am experiencing a lot of anxiety, though lately. I am having a hard time feeling comfortable in our R all of the time. Essentially I am having trouble feeling confidence in US.
My question for you guys is, is this normal? Being the LBS, I figure that I would probably feel this way naturally - skeptical of my comfort, maybe even worried about what may be around the next corner for us.
Does this go away slowly? I have a tendency to be impatient, am I hoping for too much, too fast?
Any advice you guys have on this would be greatly appreciated!
R
"Find a way to spend a little time every day working to become what you are destined to be."
Congrats, Ren--it is always great to see success stories! I don't know if it's "normal", but the feeling you describe after 3-4 months back together is familiar to me too. I felt anxious and worried after a few months too. I was waiting for him to say he changed his mind and didn't want to be home after all. We are almost 6 months back together and I'm feeling better about it. I think it does take a little more time than we think it should. For me it seems that I'm a little low on self confidence. The more confident I am in me and what I'm doing in the R, the more comfortable the R is for me and the less I worry. I must keep DBing every day to feel good about me. And I have to keep looking at the positives instead of dwelling on the negatives. Backslides happen, but I'm not perfect and never will be. Just have to keep trying.
Good to hear from you. Yep, you pretty much have (or had) the same feelings I'm experiencing. It is compounded by what is going on today for me.
W is in San Diego at a conference for work. The last time W went away to a conference for work, she came back and said she had been thinking alot and dropped the bomb on me. Now I am at home, and watching D3 alone again for the first time since we got back together. Y'know, eating out of the freezer and stuff that Dad's do with their kids when they are alone without Mom. It has brought back some of the old anxieties. It gets me thinking "oh, she's changing her mind - she's having second thoughts."
She e-mailed from her Blackberry yesterday three words -"I miss you." I was thrilled. This morning I e-mailed her and she hasn't replied, so I get worried.
I guess I'm backsliding. I hope it is the combination of all of the alone time reminding me of the separation that is doing it. Does that make sense?
Glad to hear that you are doing well! R
"Find a way to spend a little time every day working to become what you are destined to be."
Oh yeah - I feel pretty good about my role in the R lately. She even told me that she felt "really loved" over the last few days - but she has been acting a little weird lately, too.
I can't find my MM/WV book - but I'm wondering if she's ebbing and flowing on me. . .
"Find a way to spend a little time every day working to become what you are destined to be."
I totally know what you mean. When my H calls to say he is going to hang out with friends for the evening, I've always got that little "bad feeling" in my stomach. Although as time goes by it gets better. I have called him a couple times and made an ass of myself being insecure, but I don't do that much anymore either. It is hard not to go back to those same old habits pre bomb, but I just keep working on getting new, more healthy habits.
Have you all read "After The Affair"? I'm no expert as my H is in the middle of one but it does give good suggestions on what the WAS needs to do in order to sincerely re-establish trust. Your feelings are normal.
Renegade: I am experiencing a lot of anxiety, though lately. I am having a hard time feeling comfortable in our R all of the time. Essentially I am having trouble feeling confidence in US.
Just say that you're not alone in this at all! I was feeling great the first four months and then let the anxiety drag me into a huge backslide of suspicion and confronting my H with the past. It's almost seven months and I'm still not completely comfortable. I get moody for no reason and I know it's because I fear what might be around the corner even though things are going great.
Just try to keep up your PMA and focus on the positives. Try to share your anxious feelings here or with a friend so that you don't sabotage your R with your W. Don't know if you have a tendency to do that at all.. just projecting from my sitch because that's where I've went wrong. By dragging H back into the past by expressing my anxieties, I treated myself to a lot of encouragement from him, but it only accomplished dragging him backwards. He said "I go two steps forward and you knock me back down"
After the Affair is a good book. His Needs/Her Needs is also good if you havent read it. It's helpe me and H.
Glad things are going well for the most part.. try to enjoy it!
A quick way to get over the anxiety is to immediately start planning a surprise homecoming that you are going to throw for her. When thinking negative, indulge in something positive. Throw a homecoming that's going to score you some love points. Be creative...ya hear!
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Quote: Just try to keep up your PMA and focus on the positives. Try to share your anxious feelings here or with a friend so that you don't sabotage your R with your W. Don't know if you have a tendency to do that at all.. just projecting from my sitch because that's where I've went wrong. By dragging H back into the past by expressing my anxieties, I treated myself to a lot of encouragement from him, but it only accomplished dragging him backwards. He said "I go two steps forward and you knock me back down"
I really grabbed onto the idea that by expressing too much anxiety may yield me some encouragement - which appeases me in the short term. . .but may have other more lasting consequences as to her feelings about things. I guess I want to give off the impression that I have "moved on" confidently, so as to "lead" her to do the same. Daggone it, I hate all of this calculated passive-aggressive behavior. I guess that brings up another point, that I just need to freakin' relax.
My lack of relaxation is causing some tension, I think. Conversation seems to be a little more difficult, I have painted myself into a corner worrying that she is going to want to talk about something negative. I guess my negativity is trying to come out again.
Suit, she got an earlier flight home last night rather than today. D3 and I picked up some flowers and met her at the airport, I had a sandwich and a drink for her figuring that she'd be hungry. As we put D3 to bed, W told her that "Daddy was coming downstairs with Mommy because she wants to spend some time with Daddy." Maybe we aren't doing as much physical stuff lately, but she has given me some positive comments lately I should just roll with. Plus, we are both sick. . .but that wouldn't stop me. I know, guys are pigs.
We are off to a costume party on Saturday. W said she might be Little Red Riding Hood - so I told her I'd be the Big Bad Wolf (gag) - I'm not a costume guy. It was more of an homage to that rather famous joke - which is rather crude, but funny. "Little Red Riding Hood, you shouldn't have come to Grandma's house because I'm the Big Bad Wolf and you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna. . . ." the rest is too crude, but that oughta spark some memories for those of you that have heard it.
Anyway - I may head to the Army Navy store and get some old combat boots and go as a punk rocker - circa 1981.
Thanks y'all!
"Find a way to spend a little time every day working to become what you are destined to be."
