Looking backward but only to move forward FIVE

[sage]

Hi there,

Here's my last thread:

...move forward FOUR

Things are going well but are still very hectic. Work is great. I'm learning so much and they have told me that they are very pleased with my work! Tuesday I give a presentation (45 mins!!!) to the board of directors -- um, yah, OK!!!

I'm still just barely lurking for a short period of time in the morning. I'm thinking that when h goes back to school next month I may have more cycles.

Sometimes I drive myself nuts and get really depressed thinking "Nothing has changed about US in terms of personality so even though things are really good we're just going to end up repeating the same stuff again sometime" -- it's not a frequent occurrence but I can get really down about it...thinking "I've hardly changed AT ALL, etc, why will things ultimately be different" blah blah blah.

Well, this week (Thursday) I had the chance to see just how much things have changed. I was tired and got home late from work. I had also had an acupuncture appointment after work so I was hungry and emotional. As I drove up to the house I noticed all the windows open (normal) but since the painters were coming the next day I knew we had to shut them by morning. I swear I wasn't in the house 10 seconds before I said "so we have to close the windows by tomorrow?" "Yes" says h. "Um, did you close any of them?". "No" he says and I get internally irked. Start thinking "why does he leave everything to me?" etc. Now, let me tell you that h was completely right (it's hot as hades here of late and shutting the windows at night would have been asinine) AND the next morning he did them ALL but that didn't stop my internal melodrama.

BUT, it didn't stop there. H told me that he had called the cable company to reduce our service (we had talked about that since I took the new job). Then he said that we couldn't get HBO as an add on so we'd have to go without. Now, there are two shows I watch EVER and they are both on HBO so I get sulky. I mean really sulky. And I don't just get irked I start thinking "how could he do this to me? doesn't he know me at all?" Before long I have personalized this to the point where I'm wondering how I could have even married him. Mind you, this is all being telegraphed all over my face.

So, h gets up, calls the cable company (at 9pm at night), straightens the whole thing out and does it without one negative emotion.

And the whole time I'm realizing that that oh, I don't know, "sage as prima donna princess" attitude is exactly what HAS changed...see, that's how (I swear) I used to react to every darned thing that didn't go my way and was my normal mood if I was the least bit irked or sad or hot or hungry or whatever.

I know I must sound lame as heck but it was amazing for me to FEEL that way again and realize that I used to feel that way ALL THE TIME and treat h that way, too. And now? Well, now, it only rears its head once or twice a year instead of every other day.

Things HAVE changed. A LOT. Thank goodness!

Sage

[slowly]

#1

Welcome to your new home! Amen to the fact that things have changed A LOT

Slowly

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

Glad to hear things at the new job are going well.

Isn't it great to realize you HAVE changed?

[Wonka]

Sage, Ellie, HFO, JamesJohn,

I'd like to call in you guys to go over and help ZenMaster out over in Newcomers as his W just ended things with the OM. There are a few mini-twists along the way. Having been through that path, I think you guys can offer some insightful pointers that may be far better than mine.

Thanks!!!

[sage]

Pam,

HI! Yes, it is great to realize how many changes I've made (and h too!). It's strange (but I guess not so surprising) that they are hard to see because they have been gradual. Of course, every so often I get bumped over the head with the "old" sage!

I'm wide awake (it's 4:53) and have been since 3am! Blech!

Sage

[slowly]

I'm wide awake (it's 4:53) and have been since 3am! Blech!

I wonder if it is a cosmic phenomenon - there seem to be sooo many of us with disturbed sleep lately - colleagues, neighbours and family - now fellow dbers

Slowly

[sage]

Slowly! well, I sort of made up for it last night...went to bed around 9:45 and slept pretty much straight thru! Hooray!

h and I had a fight last night. It was a small one (largely because it happened right before we went to bed and he doesn't seem at all interested in continuing it this morning!) and I probably would have said it was over something "trivial" if I hadn't really thought about the importance of it.

See, h got mad at me because when I was going to bed last night I opened the door to our bedroom, saw that one of our cats was in there, and I kept the door open while I was trying to will her out (literally...I was standing by the bed going "leave, leave"). h came by and got pissed because the air conditioner was on and I was letting all the cold air out. As context, you should know that yesterday was a very hot day here and our old, old, old house doesn't have central air, holds heat like a, well, I don't know what, and our bedroom air conditioner is h's lifesaver.

he was quite irked and while explaining to me why he was so mad (which, as I think about it, is quite a change from pre-DB'ing to actually hear WHY he was mad) he said "and I keep thinking -- she KNOWS how important this is to me and she does it anyway".

Ah. that's really the jist of it, isn't it?

Yah, it's the leaving the door open or the dish in the sink or the towel on the floor in some small way but what it REALLY is is when we think that our spouse is ignoring something that's important or when we ASSume that they are doing it intentionally to hurt us.

I KNOW it's the thing that trips me up and keeps me locked in a cheeseless tunnel -- when I interpret h's activities and say "why does he put his cereal dish in the sink every GD morning instead of in the dishwasher? he does it because my time isn't valuable to him" -- or the like. It's that "story" that I tell myself that gets me madder and makes me react and stomp around and ooze resentment.

I do pretty well when I don't personalize. And it scared me a bit to hear how much h was personalizing MY behavior. I didn't try to talk him out of his interpretation but I did tell him that at THAT moment, my needs (my tiredness, my desire to just have the cat LEAVE w/o much effort on my part) got higher priority in my mind than his.

I think knowing this will help me a lot in the future. It'll be easier to see the stuff behind his "why do you load the dishwasher that way" crap if I can remember that he's probably thinking how he's told me a thousand times and I'm willfully ignoring him. I know it will help diffuse the arguments if I can honestly say "Yes, it's something that's important to you and I forgot that. I'm sorry."

I should note that h isn't teeming with this kind of stuff...physical comfort is a big one for him, respect for his privacy another. Things that I do that challenge those items are the ones that usually make him irked. And not having his needs respected overlays both. I KNOW I can bear that in mind.

Sage

[Heart2Heart]

Awesome reminder, Sage - of the fact that life is made up of the little daily moments, actions and choices. It was a small fight as you say, but with a big lesson . . . if you're willing to see it. And of course, you did see it!

Thanks! Hugs,
-H2H

[sage]

Hiya! Bumping myself off of page 2!

Things are good -- the new job is great! I'm learning stuff every day and getting the existing systems whipped into shape. It's been an incredible adjustment to the "working conditions" -- I miss not being able to visit the boards much and I feel amazingly out of touch with what is going on here which bums me out big time! Maybe as summer transitions into fall I'll have more bandwidth.

Things at home are good. We're still doing lots of what works and hardly any of what doesn't. It's hard to believe how far we've come, actually at times. I still hit my insecure patches here and there and keep telling myself that I'm going to sit down with DR again as a refresher. Soon, soon.

Sage

[SP1]

Hi Sage -

Just bumping you up Hope all is going well with the new job. Looking forward to your next update

Take Care,
SP