WAH working on R, what now?

[Pipeliners_wife]

I've moved over to here from newcomers. I'm hoping to get more advice. This is my last thread...

Marriage saved

To recap....
M 3 years,
D2, and I'm expecting Oct. 1st

My h works away from home all the time in the oilfield. during the month of march he was up north in a town. While there he met a 22 year old skank. On his days off, he came home with the attitude of I don't love you, marriage was a mistake. I saw it coming. My hormones where a mess, being newly preg, having a toddler and living out in the counrty alone, I was in a rut. During the month of May, I discover the OW. Although he swears up and down that nothing happened with the ow while we were together (he waited to break up with me), I know something emotional took place. A week later after me confronting him, their fling ended. I started DRing soon after the break up that goodness, because it saved my but many, many times.

Up until a week ago, I have notices big changes in H's attitude as well as my own. On his last days off, he came home to work on the M. Finally he said he realized that he needed to be near me to see the changes. We had the best weekend in sooooo long.

After he left, that night he called me and said he was worried that in a few months I would change back into my old self. I talked to him and asked him to stand by me, and not to allow myself to be the old me. When he saw bad behaviour, to point it out. I don't want to have the old R with him anymore. I want to start fresh and new.

Today though I am not having a good day. In the last 48 hours, my H has dropped $600 at the bar. Last night I tried calling him around 11:30, amd he wouldn't answer his phone. Then today, I couldn't sleep, so I called him again at 6 and 6:30. During this time, my head was spinning. I was freaking out that he was with someone else, or with the money he spent, maybe he started doing drugs, or gambling. H called me back shortly later, and said that he lent money to his cousin ( Not sure if I believe him), and that he went out and over slept and was now late for work.

I vented to my mom.... Bad mistake. She informs me that my little brother confessed to her a few weeks ago that he has been doing pot for the last 6 years almost daily. My little bro is 19 years old. I was shocked. To have lived with a family member that uses like that and not know?? So know I am really worried, what if H had gotten himself into the drug scene? What do i do. My intuition is fairly strong, and I don't think he is, but I'm still finding myself questioning it.

I'm excited that H wants to work on the M, I busted my but off DRing to get him to come home. But now I question trust, and how I really feel about him never being around. I'm wondering if I haven't made a bad mistake. H doesn't want to fully commit to the M until the baby is born, yet we're making plans for a family holiday to mexico, and we're both saving money for a house, and he even said that for our friends wedding, he'll wear his wedding ring. To me he has committed, but for sake of his ego and friends, its his way out if things get rocky.

I believe in fate, and know that I have to watch what happens in the next little while. I know that I can't talk about us yet, its not time. But I feel like I am backsliding.

So I guess my question is, how do I trust him again, and when will I know I am in a safe marriage. Will I have to live with the fear of him leaving for the next few years?

Sorry this is so long.

[Pipeliners_wife]

Just after posting that, H called and we had a great talk for 3/4 of an hour. I talked to him about drugs, using my brother as an excuse. H confessed to using them once or twice, but nothing in a long time. It makes me feel much better. I know that by him telling me stuff, my anxiety goes down. He also told me how much his helper and cousin owe him for money. So being that I was freaked out, I don't think I have a reason.

Tomarrow's goal is to thank him for the convo, and for making me feel better, and to ask for him to do that 2x a week when he's away as much as he has been. I'm also hoping to hear the "L" word some time this week. As I was hanging up, I said I love you, and he says, yup.... Not sure. Last weekend when he was saying goodbye and was hugging me, I told him I loved him, and he said it back. So I'm not sure if I threw him off by saying it or not. whatever.... can't sweat the small stuff. His actions speak Louder than words.

I'm so scared about the trust issue. Knowing he has had sex with someone else... which he claims they used protection, and then he sleeps with me and we didn't. I'm worried about STD. Although H says he would have seen something by now, I still worry. Talk about really being an uptight person huh?

I need to unwind somehow... And tips?

[WAWfighter]

PLW, 1st off, thanks for the Detachment bite yesterday. I have been reading it over and over. Secondly, Don't lose hope when you are so close. Have you stopped DBing now that you two might work it out? Stick to what you've learned. Good Luck!

[Pipeliners_wife]

Have you stopped DBing now that you two might work it out

Great Question WF... I don't know if I have or not. I have to reread DR. That will help. In some sense I think I did stop DBing this weekend because I got what I wanted, and I don't know what to do after that. All my goals have been reached so I'm finding I'm at a bit of a loss. I need to think things through again. I know I'm far from being out of danger, yet I'm losing my patients.

I need a good smack on the hand. A wake up call. I need help on the next step with the R. Now that I have him working with me instead of against me, I need to get some new technics.

[Pipeliners_wife]

My H could be coming home tomarrow night for a week or so. His job is finished. Does anyone one have any advice on what I can do to make his stay great? I want to do something special for him, but also don't want to overwelm him....

What do you think?

[married_three_months]

Hi PLW, Just wanted to drop in and let you no I am still here, I catch up on your thread as often as I can. Life has been soooooo busy lately. Our computer at home is not working and I am so busy at work these days I bearly have time to breath. I am so very proud of you, good work!!! Now just remember not to push him into meeting you half way. However watch for signs that he is working on the marriage too. Dont be a doormat, you have worked hard to get here, now he has to work too. Are you guys going to C ? As for this week, let him lead, try not to push. Make his favorite meals, keep up with your changes, maybe suggest the three of you go for a pinic at the lake. Build a sand castle as a family. Go for walks, talk! Try not talk about the R to much, just enjoy one another this week. ( you have the rest of your lives for R talk) Make him feel at home, in the "OUR HOUSE" not "YOURS". Maybe come to Calgary and take D to the stampede. Take a drive, find ways too reconnect.Leave D with your parents and go to the stampede, have fun! (if you want to go to ranchmans let me no, I have VIP passes for this week)(I also have Kim Mitchell tickets if you want) Keep me posted, feel free to email me at work anytime, as my studid computer at home is not working. [e-mail]

[Pipeliners_wife]

Thanks M3M, i'm glad to hear things are great with you and B. We went to the MC once, and for now, I'm waiting to see what happens between H and I on our own. H isn't up to talking to anyone, and slowly we are doing well on our own. He is trying to hard. Almost 90% of his calls now are when he is alone. Its been over a year since he has called me alone. And it really helps me knowing I can talk to him, and his helper isn't hearing everything. When I found out I was preg, I had to tell H when his helper was around, because he wouldn't call me when he was alone. So I'm really pleased in that area.

I will make his fav meals, and the house will be clean. I'll go about doing what i have planned, and if he wants to join, great if not, thats okay too. I tend to forget that he JUST came back. It feels like nothing ever happened. I kept hoping one day I'd wake up and this was all a nightmare, and I tend to carry that thought. I really need to keep focus and keep doing what I was doing a month ago with few changes.

I'm plannning a trip to the calgary zoo on Sun. ITs D's 2nd bday. I'm thinking of packing a picnic. As for the Stampede, I'm going to take a pass. I love it and all, but being fat and preg, its really not that fun. The people drive me nutz

As long as its one day at a time, we'll be fine. I'm feeling so giddy tonight. i can't wait till he gets home which could be any day now. For my sake I hope hes home for a few weeks, but for his sake I hope its only a few days. He's burning out, and just wants to keep going. It would mean more to me if he could take a few weeks off when the baby is born than to take the time off now.

Hakuna Matata... means no worries

[MnSPD]

Hello Ladies!!!!

It sure is welcoming to see the both of you are doing great! I can see you both smiling as you type these posts, that is excellent.

I just returned from a small vacation...... to Canada. I went up to the cottage with my brother to get a few things ready for my Dad. He is in Florida and we figured we would help him out. Built an outdoor shower and installed a new screen door in the sweltering heat. It was fun but the heat sucked.

FYI - I signed D papers last week. As much as it was something I never wanted to do, I couldn't hold out forever. I know I have done all I could and there is comfort in that. It truely does take 2 to put forth some effort. You both are very fortunate your spouses swallowed their pride and are willing to try. I'm OK with the whole thing. This mess is one of the life events that define a persons true character. I can say without hesitation, I am proud of who I am and what I have done. My STBX can not.

Anyway, enough of that. You two are inspirations to all the people here. I think you both have recieved posts exclaiming how the others here have been inspired by your success. Keep in mind, YOU did the work and should be VERY proud of what you have done. It has defined your true core values, your commitment to marriage and your character.

Steve

[midwest]

Hi
I join the ranks of those cheering you on!!
It was worth fighting for and such results. Keep up your DBing.
How's the baby growing...such an exciting time, new baby, pregnant glow...do you have the glow???
Welcome to piecing
Midwest

[Pipeliners_wife]

Oh My, do I ever have the glow. I just has the best weekend with H. We went to the Calgary Stampede... What a hoot!!! Then took our D2, to a theme park.... Another blast. If someone had told me that things would be THIS great a few months ago, I would have punched them for lying too me. We're talking about possible going on a trip this weekend......YYYAHAHHh