I've been away from the board for quite some time. It's even rare that I peak in because I find it somewhat painful to see some of my "old friends" still on here, still stuck in the muck and mire of the struggle to reconcile.
Several of us often talked about the need to have a Topic Board for those who have "made it" (or are making it) and the trials, tribulations and ponderings of this phase of our 'new' relationship with our previously betraying spouse.
So I thought, what the heck I'll start one here for anyone that wonders what it's like when you DO "Make It" AND for those who now have a year or more of reconciliation/co-habitation under their belt, to come out and share their experiences.
It's also a place for those who just want to be reassure that reconciliation IS POSSIBLE no matter how bad the betrayal may have been.
AND the reality of Life After Betrayal as well as the celebration of the NEW US.
Because believe it or not, whether you 'reconcile' or not, YOU will be a stronger, better person to yourself than you ever imagined you could be, once YOU make YOURSELF the FIRST and MOST IMPORTANT priority in your life.
I was poking around just now and saw this post. How great to hear from you and what a great thread!!! I am glad to hear that things are going well in your reconciliation.
I am one that didn't "make it", but as you so eloquently said, I made it in a different way. I have discovered things about myelf that I had forgotten when I was part of a couple and the D has made me face both good and bad in my life. I have "made it" to the other side of the D a stronger and happier person!!
Quote: Because believe it or not, whether you 'reconcile' or not, YOU will be a stronger, better person to yourself than you ever imagined you could be, once YOU make YOURSELF the FIRST and MOST IMPORTANT priority in your life.
I just love your words of wisdom!!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Hey Jan - Glad you've posted this place for people to share their successes. I'm not a success in the Reconciliation Dept, but most certainly in the "I'm gonna be just fine after divorce"
My H left 3 years ago. I tried to DB him for over 2 years. Finally, I decided that he's not the same person and I don't want him back. I am in my 4th round of mediation tommorrow and close to the finish line. Here's how its going...
I am keeping my $800,000 house and my cottage. I have the nicer car. The kids are all in my care (well, one is 22 and on his own, but we have a close relationship). He got no $ from my business. Last year I was chairperson of a major charity and raised a million dollars for my community. I continue to travel several times a year and take one or more of the kids with me 90% of the time. I am in a new relationship (5 months) with a wonderful man who treats me very well. He makes me happy. The children rarely see their father and have little or no respect for him. He still lives with maggot and they refuse to meet her and have never been to his house. I have kept all our friends who despise him for what he has done to us. Even his brothers, aunts and uncles support me emotionally and want to hit him with a 2 x 4.
Am I a success story??? I'd like to think so.
Sounds like you are too. Thanks for starting this Positive Place to Post.
Jan what a great thread. Do you think JJ could actually add "New Topics" as a BB category?
I find when things are going well it makes it hard to read all of the sitch's other people are going thru. It sometimes makes me dwell on the neg. and that brings me down.
It's true alot of the "success stories" move on and it is always great to hear from the ones who's M's survived.
I read this from the "Rules" book:
"In a Rules marriage, any work you have to do is on yourself-being happy or easy to be with, pursuing your career and interests, staying fit-not figuring out how to get your husband's attention."
I think most trains of thoughts point to independance and not being needy. Whether we end of M or D from our S's we can all end up as success stories!!!
Sun, YOU made my point exactly! Because the reality is, all the drama associated with this type of hideous, painful experience, sometimes winds up being the best thing (as strange as that sounds) that could have ever happened to us.
Whether we reconcile or not...WE come out winners.
This experience takes us down many winding roads. We are FORCED to reassess ourselves and our relationship. As we traverse the stages of this experience we begin, more and more to SEE ourselves, what WE really want and what WE really need...it becomes a ME thing and for many of us, it's the first time in our entire lives/relationships that we've ever really asked ourselves what would make US happy. Because ultimately, whether we end up with OR without our betraying spouse...we have to be able to live with ourselves.
I rejoice in YOUR success Sun because YOU WON back YOUR LIFE, and in the end that's IS all that matters.
BRAVO BARBIE !!!!! that's what I'm talking about. WE SUCCEED !!!
Although my H is home, I have had many personal successes throughtout the past year and my H's being 'back' is just one of them. Through the hell, I was promoted at work and given a handsome raise, I've been attending college full time at night and will finish my degree in December. I've made numerous changes to my home THAT I wanted done, and I am more at peace than I've ever been or dreamt I'd be in my entire life. AND to me, the most import success I've had is that I FOUND ME.
Good for YOU Barbie...because like Sun....YOU'VE WON
Jan
Hi Nik ! I agree whole heartedly...that's why I stopped coming to the board. While I love the friends I've made here, I couldn't continue to live their pain without buying some of it for myself...so I went and hid, for a while.
I decided to work JUST on ME. Sure, my H is home and he's a better man than he's ever been but HE is no longer my priority (I know that sounds awful but it's TRUE)...I am now MY priority and ya know what? Since I've become more ME focused, my H has become more US focused. T2
Trying: Good for you!!! Sounds like you're a winner too. You took H back on YOUR terms and that's so important. If you made temporary changes - the inclination to "slip back" into old modes is always there. The reconciliation might fail that way. BUT - you've done what you needed or wanted to do for YOU, not for H. He is there of his own free will and you are living the life you want. BRAVO!!!
Hi, I'd appreciate your advice since you have "made it". I have been both the betrayer and the betrayed. I am certainly not proud about it. However, I immediately came to my senses when H learned of my affair. He was already having one (with his cancer nurse; he is now recovered from prostate cancer) and he had a violent reaction toward me when he learned of my affair. I had known about his for about 4 months when he discovered mine. He had several episodes of violence towards me, one of which resulted in his son (my stepson) making him leave here. I don't think he intended on leaving me for OW but, his son make him get out after he stopped by and saw what was happening. He has now been gone, living with OW for 2 years. I use many of the DB techniques, but have not given him an ultimatum as he is the type that does not respond well to 'commands". He was very angry and argumenative the entre first year of our separation. Since last Aug. 03, I have noticed positive baby steps each month. Sept.-anniversary gift was a clock, the face of which is a photo of us with our dogs. Also, he stayed here when I took a trip for a week, to keep our dog. Nov.-went to my family's Thanksgiving. Dec.-had my family here for Christmas breakfast, he prepared. I retired in Jan. 04 and he has come here for breakfast, most weekday and some Sat. mornings every day since. Often, comes in from farming for late lunch with me. Feb.-Valentine card, money, perfume. April, same as Valentine's (Easter), but the cards are all 'friend" themes, though very nice sentiments. May 04- Grandmother card for Mother's Day, June-took me to his family reunion. Earlier that month, I had a gall bladder attack,was in hospital 7 days and he stayed here with the dog and stayed here first night I was home from hospital. July- my birthday and he gave me money, a really sweet "friend" card. Also, he has frequently stayed in after lunch here at the house, to rest an hour or so and watch some funny TV shows that we laugh at together a lot. I know I did wrong, however, I have really turned my life around, joined the Catholic Church. He had to be involved in that process, which I never would have thoght he would do, in order for me to get in the Church. We both had to have an annulment of our first marriages. (not the same as a legal annulment; it's a Catholic church annulment. There have not been any acts of violence towards me since those initial ones, although he still occassionally loses his temper and throws it up to me about how I betrayed him. He justifies living with OW because of what I did and says he can trust her. I don't ask about her or what they do. He is here more than there, although he does eat supper there and spends the nights there. What I can't understand is that he frequently had sex with me almost the entire first year of our separation ,then stopped and has had none for over a year, with me. He will rarely show any affection toward me, sometimes hugs and cheek kisses, very rarely mouth. He says he does not plan to marry OW and insists he doesn't want a Divorce, nor do I want one. Both my medical Dr. and Priest, both of whom know H, feel he will come back at some point. They say the issue is his to work through. they feel I should treat him with kindness. My Dr. says I will "win him over" and OW is bound to know she is sharing him with me. My Priest says that H may realize error of his ways one day, and realize I stuck by him in his illness. Says he still shows me acts of kindness which shows he cares and that he has not abandoned me. His kids do not have anything to do with OW. I am still close to my stepson, and H family. I'd appreciate your perspective, since you also were separated 2 years, but won your H back. My H use to complain about my weight but since my illness, I have lost close to 20 pounds. Now, H says I have always been a good looking woman. Other point, on a part time job I had, H didn't feel I was treated right and he approached the person about it, in a threatening manner, and now will not do business with the place. I no longer work there but don't hold any grudges and I do go there. My SIL says she doens't feel H is in a "great love affair" but is just a really good friend to OW. I admit I have discouraging days and really miss having him here and the sex. we did not have a problem with our sex life. I have always had a struggle in my life dealing with rejection yet I suppose my cross to bear in life, is just that, dealing with rejection. some days are better than others for doing so. Often, I tell God that I have messed up so much in this life, to please just prepare me for the next life. That's the eternal one anyway. Thanks for any insights you can give. Va Maggie
Thanks for starting this thread. Your threads-- and your strength-- gave me so much to think about and deal with in my own life when I first came to this BB--you have no idea how much they helped me... and they still do.
I nearly hate to join the chorus of successful women who are not reconciling their Ms... but there it is. I'm really pleased with where DBing has taken me. I've rediscovered pieces of me I'd put aside. I am stronger, more accomplished, more spiritually connected, more centered, more physically fit, more visible to myself and others, a better and more direct communicator, and have better relationships with friends and family than at any other time in my life. I'm having fun and while separated have met some wonderful new friends who are moving forward and growing in their own lives.
I am not "with" my H now... but DBing DID "work" not just for my own growth, but to draw him back to me-- several times. I'm sure if asked he'd tell you about my positive changes.
I have to admit that I even smile sometimes when I overhear those who know us both say that my H clearly must be crazy to let me go... that sentiment, my friends, is the result of what I learned right here.
Some WAS aren't ready to take the next steps and do their piece. We can't control whether they do. Mine was one of those... and I came to realize that my terms and my timeline do have to be 50% of any relationship going forward.
I hope that some of the reconciling successes will also post here. They're out there.
