I have needed to take a break from the boards but I have to report...things are going great.
My old R is dead and gone, but something new and improved is growing stronger every day. As you all know, Wolfie was regretful, guilty, and ashamed, but was not terribly understanding about the after-effects of his infidelity and was practically demanding that I put it all in a box and never bring it up again.
That doesn't work for me. The healing process will take a long time--and I am a process kind of person. Suppressing my stuff was coming out in bad ways, including nightmares.
One day on TV, some show was based on updates on people 5 years after the Columbine tragedy. After weeks of silence on the issue, I told him that the infidelity had affected me in a similar way to how those survivors were affected. I fully described the whole process of healing--including the triggers, the obsessions, the emotional rollercoaster, the anxiety and fear that it may still be going on or will happen again...everything.
I said that the work I had been doing in counseling was to work on all of those PTSD symptoms, so it's not like I'm choosing to stay stuck, but I didn't think reconcilliation was going to work if I have to suppress everything for HIS comfort. I said that if he didn't have the patience or compassion to make the transition from the wounder to the healer...then I didn't think reconcilliation would work.
I sat there and waited for him to blow up...but instead he broke down sobbing. He said he "gets it now" and was "so sorry that he had been pushing me to heal faster because he was still being self-centered". Wow!
We have only had a few brief-but-in-depth R talks since then, but something has definately shifted. I don't think he could be more sweet and considerate. He's pro-active about bringing up any doubts and fears he thinks I may be dealing with. If I am too quiet for his comfort...he double-checks to make sure that I'm not feeling sad or angry or whatever. Once, when I was feeling a bit of anger over something I was triggered into remembering about the infidelity, I really kept it to myself. He noticed and pretty much hounded me until I would talk about it. When I did talk about it, he acknowledged that I should be angry and that he was very sorry.
THIS is what I have needed all along. It has been 15 months, but now Wolfie is acting like he's REMORSEFUL. Instead of avoiding conflict, he's being pro-active.
For me, the result has been finally being able to start relaxing and let go of a lot of things. I have been very vocal about expressing my appreciation when he has been extra-sweet or concerned or affectionate. I've let him know how much it helps me not to feel like I'm struggeling alone, but healing together.
He really appreciates the appreciation & keeps doing more of it. I NEVER expected this of him, and it has been bringing us so much closer. There is a true intimacy between us now that he has kept walls up against for a long, long time.
During the first year of DBing, it took a lot of energy to focus on getting our relationship back to a stable place. I denied a lot of my own needs for the sake of saving the relationship. I had been denying my own needs for years before the A.
It is so freaking ironic that it took this horrid, god-awful experience to get to where we are today, but that's the truth.
I'm excited to see where we go from here. I'm relieved to hear Wolfie tell me that if we ever go through a rough spot again, that he would fight for our R instead of run from it.
You really don't know me....but I've lurked around your posts for months. Thanks for sharing this significant chapter on your healing process. It really gives the rest of us continued hope. This IS a long process....Your openness with your H and courage is the key.
Just wanted to thank you from a distant, but sincere fellow BB friend.
What a wonderful post, thank you for sharing Wolfie's wake up because so many of our friends here need to know that everyone "wakes" up as a result of many different things. Each of our once WASes, has to come to their own "moment" of realization in their own way and once they do...that's when the REAL healing begins for us and for them too.
I completely understand your ability to now lay some ghosts to rest as I have just about buried all of the dead issues of my H's As and MLC.
Like you and Wolfie, my H and I are on a completely different plane now, I've even noticed that my H writes himself little sticky notes to remind himself to thank me for doing little things. I saw one on his cell phone Sunday morning that said, "thank (T2) for doing all the laundry"....so he IS trying very hard to be a better man.
You said:
Quote: It is so freaking ironic that it took this horrid, god-awful experience to get to where we are today
and I couldn't agree more. As absolutely earth shattering as this nightmare was...it appears that since we have been fortunate enough to survive it...that for the first time in all our years together, NOW, we are finally really a married couple in heart, not just on paper. T2
HI Tal, Just seeing yout thread title put a smile on my face!! You have come a long way baby!!! And I am so happy that Wolfie gets it and is now on the same page as you!!!!!
You have been a tremendous support during this past year!!! I apprecaite all your advice and posts! Funny, just when I think I am done with my H, I read your story and gotta wonder---but I'm not so sure I could get past the infidelity--actually I don't think H could-- and I think key factor-- last week he admitted if given the chance again--he would do it again...have the A!!! So that is like a total warning--nope can't get back with him no matter what--it would be like an open invitation for this to happen again!
Anyway, enough about me--it is all on my thread anyway-- but I am sooooooooooo happy for you! Some sitches are made to make it--and yours is one of them!
Hey guys! Thanks for all the good wishes. Here's another indication of a whole new chapter: our youngest just got his driver's licence today! Wolfie called from the DMV and described the blow-by-blow of the parallel parking test. So funny. One more year and the youngest will be out of high school.
I KNEW there was going to be a day I was glad I had kids so young! LOLOL! I'm beginning to look around the house and plan for the not-to-distant future when it's not full of messy teenagers.
