Letting my weight down...

[sage]

I'm starting a new thread...

Here's my last one:

Attractive propositions

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You may be wondering about the thread title...

Well, it comes from an audio tape by Jack Kornfield...

He tells the story of an elderly man who has never in all of his life flown on a plane. His children gather up their money and for his birthday they buy him a plane ticket -- destination not important. He goes on the plane and when he comes back they gather around him and ask him how it was...he says that it was quite good, a new experience. But then he adds,

"But, you know, I never fully let my weight down".

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I can relate.
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I struggled for a bit with the thread title...my first thought was something like "dropping the rope" or "DB'ing for real this time" but I figured I'd spend much of my thread assuring you guys that I wasn't being too hard on myself!

Then my weekly Cainercast sounded promising -- "keeping a straight face" or "confidence and patience":

Many a game of cards as been won by a player with a poor hand. There may be some contests whose outcomes depend, ultimately, on the luck of the draw but most involve some degree of skill and timing. What matters now is not whether you have a great advantage; it's whether you have confidence and patience. Power, this week, will shift from one person to another and from one situation to another. It will ultimately rest, though, with whoever is willing to hold steady and keep a straight face. Mercury, as it now changes direction, insists you have the advantage.

but when I was downstairs making a pot of tea the Jack Kornfield story popped into my mind.

It is perfectly appropriate.

After some exchanges with CHL and Pam on my thread last week I went back to look at an old thread that they had referred to -- it's the one titled "the teacher appears". They had mentioned it because they remembered that I had been "stuck" in a similar mode to where I was last week...sigh...so I ended up going back to a 3 month old thread and finding out that I was stuck then too.

That's not the worst part.

THAT thread harkened back to a thread a YEAR ago when I was stuck in the same mode -- the "things are going great so why do I feel so sad" mode.

Blech.

I'm not saying I haven't made progress in my own mental state -- because I certainly HAVE in many ways...there are days and weeks and dare I say months when I walk with confidence...and then there are days and weeks and months (?) when I find myself terrified. I think it's aok to have highs and lows...I honestly do not expect otherwise...in life in general and in this life in particular but what scares the bejeepers out of me is what it does to me, to my h, to my m.

I can feel the tentacles of suspicion and shame and control and anger (masking my fear!) latch onto my days and thoughts and tacit actions. It's where I was a year ago and before then and before even then!

And I've been trying my hardest to figure out WHY it cuts to the very core of my body and being and psyche.

Well...it's because THAT feeling...that one where I'm ever watchful...well, it reminds me of the period when I knew from all of my heart that h was having an a and he denied it. The sadness and misery and fear and all.

So, now, when I find myself afraid and wondering again...I'm back in that awful spot.

What makes that spot so freaking awful in this larger scheme of things? Because it wasn't the "h slips into an EA without being aware and instantly regrets it" thingy...it was the "h is in an EA, I know it, he knows it, and my pain isn't enough to encourage his honesty with me".

It's the "I'm standing emotions completely bare in front of you and it doesn't matter" situation.

Gosh darn it, it's the phone call to dad when mom is having her nervous breakdown in front of us (knife and all) and he says "what do you want me to do about it" feeling.

So, what's the "weight" I'm referring to? What am I letting down? I guess it's the worry and the fear and the self-protection mode. It's the attempt to control thru sheer mental power the fidelity of my m, the fidelity of my h. It's the bizzaro feeling that I have that somehow, someway, that if I move on past the anger and fear and regret of the BOMB that it will happen again -- by virtue of no longer constantly running it over again and again in my mind.

Here's how terrifying this is for me...I was thinking about this "dropping the rope", this "letting down of my weight" in my car today...and the 10-year-old child thought popped into my head...if I don't protect myself, who will?

See...all that worry and fear feels like protection. And by dropping it, I feel like I'm leading myself into the lion's den...and it feels like such a betrayal to ME!

But, that's not the betrayal, is it?

See, guys, I'm a pretty good DB'er when it comes to goals and 180s and all that. But what I've done a less than stellar job at is building my own "magic" as Bridget would say...so many of you have done that so well...standing smack in the face of all the fears and rebuilding your LIFE.

I guess I've started to a bit...by virtue of time, I suppose...but I'm still looking over my shoulder, peeping around my mental corners, still clinging very, very tightly to the rope.

Here's what makes this all the more scary...and all the more necessary...seems like something might be going on with h...it's probably crazy to even try to convince you of that...you read the positives, right? And they are ALL over the place...but something's making him put his arm over his eyes when he's falling asleep (a posture I've come to associate with THE BOMB for reasons too long to go into -- hah! me of the marathon post!) and in some ways, something has made him pull away in some areas...

I'm NOT saying it's me or the m or the ow or another ow or whatever. It isn't ALL about me, right? And there's a non-zero chance that what's up with h is this mental gyration I've been mired in, no?

But, all I'm saying is that something does seem to be up...and my reaction of late has been CONTROL and WORRY and FEAR and blah, blah, blah.

And, it's not helping me. And it's not helping him. And it's not helping us.

I think it's time to fly.

Stay tuned.

Sage

[psluke]

# 1

[psluke]

I'm not sure what to say, but I think I understand how you feel and I'm with you on pulling out of it!

I'm sure from your posts that your h wants to be with you and maybe some other stress is going on in his life right now that isn't associated with Sage at all?

Hope you are having a good weekend.

[MovinOn]

Excellent post, Sage!
Fear really does grip us and encourages us to stay put. You are a great db'er. If you think something is up there probably is. Just don't assume what it is, how about asking?

[nikatnight]

Sage,

Very powerful post of yours!

Fear/anxiety needs to be tackled with prayer. When you feel that you've prayed all that you can then pray some more. You will find peace when you have prayed about what to do or say next. Really listen to the holy spirit.

Like my mom says, "God didn't take you this far to dump you."

{{{{{{SAGE}}}}}}}}

nik

[lostlove]

Sage,

an awful lot there in your post. Again I must tell you that you are being way too hard on yourself!

so let's see what we've got here....

I'm not saying I haven't made progress in my own mental state -- because I certainly HAVE in many ways...there are days and weeks and dare I say months when I walk with confidence...and then there are days and weeks and months (?) when I find myself terrified. I think it's aok to have highs and lows...I honestly do not expect otherwise...in life in general and in this life in particular but what scares the bejeepers out of me is what it does to me, to my h, to my m.

well dearie, awareness is the first step aint it. So you are aware of these cycles, aware of that havoc they reek...since we all know you're the queen of 180's and goals what 180's can you come up with for the first site of one of these tunnels opening their doorway?

And I've been trying my hardest to figure out WHY it cuts to the very core of my body and being and psyche.

Plain and simple, because it does and dare I say because you allow it to. I know you want more than that but sometimes we just have to accept that we are who we are and things effect us very deeply at times we don't have much of a choice in that. We DO however have a choice in whether or not we are going to allow it to continue. Some take drugs to stop it, some meditate, some just tell those thoughts to f-off (what kind do you think I am ). I think part of the problem may be that when these neg feelings arise you spend a lot of energy pondering WHY instead of focusing your energy on regaining control over your thoughts. Time spent wondering WHY is only going to add to the neg spiral not bring you back up. jmho btw

Well...it's because THAT feeling...that one where I'm ever watchful...well, it reminds me of the period when I knew from all of my heart that h was having an a and he denied it. The sadness and misery and fear and all.

THAT feeling reminds you of "THAT" period because YOU'VE assigned that feeling there.

What makes that spot so freaking awful in this larger scheme of things? Because it wasn't the "h slips into an EA without being aware and instantly regrets it" thingy...it was the "h is in an EA, I know it, he knows it, and my pain isn't enough to encourage his honesty with me".

ok ok ok we all know how a's work don't we?

See...all that worry and fear feels like protection. And by dropping it, I feel like I'm leading myself into the lion's den...and it feels like such a betrayal to ME!

wish I could point you back to where we've had this discussion before but Sage, what if you are betraying YOURSELF by not dropping it?

But, all I'm saying is that something does seem to be up...and my reaction of late has been CONTROL and WORRY and FEAR and blah, blah, blah.

well then let's cut out the blah blah blah and do the opposite.

I guess I've started to a bit...by virtue of time, I suppose...but I'm still looking over my shoulder, peeping around my mental corners, still clinging very, very tightly to the rope

remember how good it felt to ride your bike when the training wheels first came off, or the first time you roller skated (or bladed) without needing to have your arms held out for balance, the first time you cooked your favorite meal or baked your favorite cookies without looking a the recipe, the first time you drove your car without an adult sitting in the pasenger seat, the first time you...without...

A lot of us like to live life with a saftey net but are we really living that way? If we're always holding onto a rope we're limiting ourselves are we not?

You can do this Sage, all you have to do is believe in yourself.

as far as w'sup with h right now? could be anything, anything at all try not to let it worry you but if it concerns you that much why not drop the control, fear etc and simply say (in your own sage like words) "w'sup hon? can I help with anything?" if he chooses to clue you in on his dismay that's great, if he doesn't well that's ok too (yes it is) or you could just remind yourself that it's ok for spouses to have "itchy butt" every now and then and we don't have to scratch it or know why it's itchy.

LL

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

Sage,

A thought occured to me.

Just a theory.

But what if his putting his arm over his eyes is symbolic of him being afraid.

What if he's scared of 'failure' in regards to his new job/career?

That's a huge change he's making. And yes, I know you are both excited about it...but I wouldn't be surprised if he was absolutely terrified at the same time!

Sending you hugs.

[sage]

Hey all,

thanks for the support and positive reactions! I really appreciate you take the the time to read my longwinded post.

Hope to get to more detailed responses -- when? tomorrow?

I did want to post a positive from the weekend that's very meaningful...

h and I had a discussion about some $ and what to do with it. I felt no anxiety at all (gosh, this REALLY is an area where we are just SO MUCH better than we used to be...why???) Anyway, h said something about the fact that his priority in how we use the money is to assist MY peace of mind...that no one deserved that more.

Sigh.

This is a wonderful example of h not only GETTING IT (my desire for safety and security, etc) but also his ability (and commitment) to COMMUNICATE it to me.

A wonderful example of:
understanding me
giving of himself to accommodate my needs
communicating with me
listening to me



I admit that I had been a bit nervous about bringing up the topic but it really did go smoothly. I was worried that h might feel controlled by the conversation (tho' I actually wasn't controlling!)

What did I do differently?

1. I gave him the heads up a few times that we needed to talk before tomorrow -- so, I didn't push the conversation but in moments of relative calm I said stuff like "oh, we need to talk about what we're going to do with that money by tuesday" -- I think it helped to give him some advance notice

2. Neither one of us seems to personalize these conversations...I think h used to feel (ASSumption) that I was trying to be controlling with $ and I would feel that he didn't GET how important security (which has translated to $ sometimes) means to me.

3. WHY don't we personalize anymore?

I think for a few reasons...I've really worked on my control issues in lots of areas including $. I've spent time self-soothing myself when I get stressed instead of reacting to h. He has taken more of an active role in making decisions about $ -- partly that's by his own proactive interest and partly that's because I've dropped the rope quite a bit. I've stopped acting as though he's irresponsible about it (he's not)and acting angry or hurt. I'm much more appreciative (and verbalize it!) of his taking responsibility for our $ well-being.

4. We don't have these conversations in the heat of the moment anymore...we don't wait until we HAVE to talk about it.

Hmmmm...I'm guessing that these can be applied to other circumstances too, no?

Sage

[psluke]

So that would seem to be a good pattern to use in other difficult areas! A solution that works WELL!!

Go Sage & H!

[sage]

Replying to my own post...this is just a more concise way of distilling what's worked regarding $ and the anxiety that it used to provoke.

1. Don't have conversations in the heat of the moment.

2. Give a head's up (casually) that something needs to be discussed and by when. DON'T make the head's up seem as though you are wanting the conversation then and there...TO AVOID conflicts, don't give the head's up in tense or difficult times, when you are rushed or sleepy, etc. IOW, even though you don't want to talk about it THEN, don't even issue the reminder in trying times.

3. No longer personalizing these issues has made a big difference
a. work on related areas (mine -- CONTROL, his -- ?)
b. don't ASSume that the other person is trying to send some MESSAGE by the way they handle interaction
c. Soothe yourself if you can instead of bringing up every ASSumption and personalization. Do this by reminding yourself that this ISN'T personal
d. DROP THE ROPE -- you do not have to control this
e. Let some things roll off of your back -- things that you would have previously reacted to just IGNORE or shrug off
f. STOP JUDGING what h is "doing" (or what you ASSume he's doing). Stop labelling him as irresponsible or whatever.
g. NOTICE and VERBALLY THANK him for what he IS doing in this area.

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Am I crazy to think that this could also apply to other areas for us?

Could I drop the rope re. the aftermath? Recognize and appreciate that we are each handling it in our best way? And that neither way is in fact "right" despite what the pundits say?

Could I stop personalizing h's actions and reactions to me in this area?

Could I stop doing "more of the same" behaviors which encourage him to personalize my actions?

Could I stop judging him? Stop making him feel as though he is irresponsible or insensitive or any of those other bad things?

Could I note and appreciate the ways in which he makes me feel safe, in which he discloses his thoughts and fears, the ways in which he has opened up instead of focusing on what he ISN'T doing?


Sage