I am going to make a concerted effort to just be my spouse's friend. He came by today and dumped some gravel on my driveway, didn't stop in...just dumped the gravel and left. He is stopping by in morning to take son to school and to pick up some garbage and take it to the dump before he leaves for two weeks for work again.
If you want to catch up on my sitch read...I think I really lost him this time...and Mixed Messages....
We've been on quite a roller coaster ride since July...but even since before that...
I am newly sober...that's probably something important to know. I'm also bipolar. My doc has gone back and forth on that diagnosis.
H has not mentioned divorce in days, but has not mentioned coming home or working on marriage either. I did recently tell him I would not sign anything at least until the end of the school year, as I was not prepared to move out of the house until then..and he did not say anything at all ...no arguement...which surprised the heck out of me. He had been saying he wanted things over ASAP.
He is going to leave early to go to work now so he can get his oil changed and do some shopping. H also just offered to buy me a computer out of the blue!
I am going to work really hard on just being H's friend for now. While H is at work, I am not going to call H. I am going to hope that H calls me.
I am going to go to church on Sundays. I am going to go to AA during week. I am going to work on my writing during week. I am going to hang out with gal pals. I am going to go to counseling and have a few dental appointments to go to during next few weeks. I also have a dinner at a fancy restaurant this Wednesday for son and I to attend through church. Also, have aa valentine's day dance to go to on Feb. 14th, if I can find a ride to get there. I don't drive. I had a dwi. Anyway, I have lots to do to keep me busy and out of Relationship chaos...I just need to focus on me and my son... hopefully, I can do that and not be needy and pursue H. I also am setting the goal of no more than two emails a week to H. Emails are to be light and friendly in tone. Nothing heavy, no R talk, no I love you's, just hey how's it going type of things and/or hope your week's going well, thinking of you kind of thing...fill him in on how our week is going, small talk, etc... No beeps on his beeper.
Deep breathes...I can do this! I love him and to make this work I am going to have to do a lot of work. So here goes ...folks ....I'm going for it..Friend to Friend...then love again!
I am completely confused. Still, I am accepting the offer for the gift of a computer and just taking it at face value...he is doing something very nice for me. I am going to respond by being very grateful.
He recently told me when he says something he just means what he says...he has no hidden agendas...he wishes I wouldn't analyze things so much. So, I am going to try not to analyze this. He wants to get me a computer. It's a great gift and he's a great guy for doing such a nice thing for me. End of story.
Now...Tomorrow, I need to be up and dressed with coffee made when he gets here to pick up son. I need to be cheerful and friendly but not overly clingy or needy or too mushy.
It's the last time I will see him for two weeks. I hate this. All right, time to go to bed and get some sleep now.
Great on Being Newly Sober! I do hope that you are giving yourself ALOT OF CREDIT & PATS ON THE BACK!
Sounds like you have a plan started keep to it & come here to vent when u need to
Can u go for a 2nd opinion to make sure on docs diagnosis since u said he's not quite sure at this time u need to make sure u r getting the correct treatment plan...
starting to get tired so u have a good sleep I'm going to head there myself
my dad use to qoute some one "This too shall pass" just repeat that when things get tough
Wow, sounds like you have made that step of getting yourself together a real priority. As someone who has been in the same sitch, I agree on the second opinion route. Just the stepping back from the alcohol will alter your body chemistry. For me, the new craving was sugar to replace the scotch. Cherry Chip Ba Da Bing ice cream no less. I am so proud of you on this step. You've always been one of my favorite posters, with this step I can see why.
Good morning Queen, Dazed, Bob, Livnlearn, and all...
Well, H was here to pick up son and take him to school. I offered him coffee. H accepted. H took the garbage. They started to get ready to leave. I asked son to go get in truck. I asked H if he was coming back. (didn't want to ask for cash in front of son, but have no cash and was going to have to ask H for some) H said he was going to bring garbage can back so he would see me in a little while. He said this nicely. I said ok, bye.
Off they went. I flew to the bedroom and got out of pj's and robe as I had overslept and was not dressed!!!! I had barely had time to fix hair and face before he got here. LOL Guess that's ok, I looked casually nice...as if I wasn't too worried about him coming over...but still my hair and face were put together...you know LOL...like a soap opera star...Like I slept without mussing my hair or makeup LOLOLOLOLOLOL Of course my pj's and robe are not nearly as exciting as you would see on television...not when H isn't sleeping at home, anyway.
Well, when he comes back, think I will make a point of telling him how excited I am at the prospect of getting a new computer. I want him to know how much I appreciate his offer. It really is nice of him. And I am going to pretend in my mind that it is his Valentine's gift to me...that's what I have decided. Even if it isn't...hey, I can dream, right?
I am going to go to a treatment center soon to get some tips on relapse prevention and when I go ...I will get a second opinion on the bipolar diagnosis. The shrink I see has also mentioned ptsd and bpd...post traumatic stress disorder and borderline personality disorder...both stemming from incidents in early childhood...I was molested by a physician and then raped at an early age by a stranger..so who knows? Anyway, the meds I am taking right now help, but I would like to try some others with less side effects...but for now I am going to keep taking these.
My mom sent me the most beautiful card. It said that although what you are going through right now appears to be a tragedy, it is only because you are only half way through it...it is really a miracle ...once you have gotten through it ...you will realize that... or something to that effect...then she wrote that this experience was going to make me a stronger better person and now that I was sober and knew what was wrong with me...the bipolar disorder...that I was going to finally be able to deal with life on life's terms...and that my H was going to be the loser for not sticking to the marriage vow in sickness and in health and standing by me..through all of this ....she said she realized he had gone through much with me...but I had also gone through much with him and shame on him for not being more willing to stand up for his vows...
I don't know...I think he is struggling with his own demons..I believe he loves me...I think he is just in a lot of pain...he doesn't even know what he wants right now...
so I hope that he can figure out that he wants his marriage back...
my mom's card and belief in me help a lot though...and her love for me is wonderful...and hey...she is my mom, so of course she is disappointed in my H for not seeing how wonderful her daughter is...
I love this spirit in you. It is wonderful. Great goals, not going to always be easy to fufill, but come here and we will help you. Beautiful message from your mom, and she is right, we can't see the benefit of all this when we are in the midst of it, we just have to have faith and keep working on ourselves. You can do it, you have done so much already, your going to just keep getting stronger!
Well, h tried to put the reality of a d in my head today when he was here. I wouldn't let him.
H said he was going to have to talk to HR about insurance once all the d paper work was filled out. I said yes, but we might work things out and then I let it drop.
A bit later H said the appraiser will be coming by to appraise the house in about 2 weeks ...I said yes, it will just be a drive by right? He said No, it's a 500 appraisal...they will come in...I said..I will have the house ready...he said the higher the appraisal the more equity in the house...I said yes and the more money we could get in a home equity loan for the decks or the garage for the house...if we work things out... LOL.... H did not say anything I do not have to agree to his plans...just like he does not have to agree to mine...LOL
H got ready to leave I gave him a hug told him to watch out for moose on the road and drive safe...
Oh! He said he was willing to spend 1400 on a new computer and printer for me and I told him thank you very much...I can go online and look at computers...he also said son can keep old computer...and I asked him to leave me 200 for the 2 weeks he was gone which is what he usually does...but to do it in four checks so I could send some off to credit cards...and he left me 290...instead...which was very generous for him...his actions are not matching his words..
Now, I have to work on not calling H while he is at work. H will not call me...I am pretty sure of this. So, I need to keep myself busy and happy and just focus on myself and my son. It will be a very difficult two weeks but I can do it...I have done it before...and I can do it again....
I will take it one day at a time. God is great. God is my guide. I will not let even H come between God and me this time I db. That is partly where I failed last time around.
Great on Being Newly Sober! 
