Well, anger and frustration are not our friends. I am posting this as a warning to others out there. I have really lost my H this time.
H is at work after staying away since the 27th...he came back from his trip on the 9th he told me last night...but did not say where he stayed between the 9th and the 13th when he went back to work.
He says he is filing for a divorce, after ten years of living in constant conflict with me ...he can take no more. His mind is made up. He hates me.
He wants peace like he just had while he was away from me...except for the emails his sister got from me...he enjoyed being away from me and had a great time. He is better off without me.
I thought I was over him, too...but I am devastated. I went right back to pursuing and begging and pleading.
I tried to explain that my medication was screwed up and I even took on the blame for everything that went wrong over the holiday season. I was in short pathetic. My self esteem is now at a record low and I am so depressed I can not stand it.
I have destroyed whatever chance there was at piecing my marriage together.
He says he believes I was getting phone calls from other women...but that it was probably from the couple that had been bothering us before. He says the caller id thing was a fluke..perhaps we were getting two calls at once. I called and the phone company says that can indeed happen. I have thrown away everything I loved.
It is all my fault. I got manic and couldn't handle everything that was going on and took it out on him and now he is sick of me. I don't blame him. I am sick of me. I wish I was normal. I wish I didn't need meds. I wish I could be happy....but this proves I can't be. No matter what I try...I screw it up somehow. Even sober, I destroy what I love.
H said he isn't coming back here...h is sending me a check probably small today. H says h is filing for divorce because I can not be rational, logical, or civil. I am lost. I have tried so hard...only to have it all destroyed by a chance encounter with a couple at a church dinner that snowballed into a series of events that created a monster...
Why God? I don't understand...please lead me. I trust that you know what is right...I have to...because if I don't ...I will really lose it. Please protect and care for me God....I can't do it today for myself.
I emailed this to my H to day.... My journal entry.... Paul is at work after staying away since the 27th...he came back from his trip on the 9th he told me last night...but did not say where he stayed between the 9th and the 13th when he went back to work.
He says he is filing for a divorce, after ten years of living in constant conflict with me ...he can take no more. His mind is made up. He hates me.
He wants peace like he just had while he was away from me...except for the emails his sister got from me...he enjoyed being away from me and had a great time. He is better off without me.
I thought I was over him, too...but I am devastated. I went right back to pursuing and begging and pleading. I have an offer to go to stay at a house that will be empty for a few weeks. Need to find out if it has a computer. Do have a book that I should try to work on. Desperately need the money. Not that it is enough to make much of a difference in my life now. Don't care about being poor...care about losing Paul and losing Dillon...all that I love...gone. Gone, because my meds weren't right and the Radfords were screwing with us again. If only Paul could see that and try to work with me. I know that the doc will help tomorrow. I know that I can leave Paul alone to think and have time to himself on the slope if only my meds get fixed. I just have so little control of my emotions and impulses right now. I wish Paul understood. I love him so much.
I tried to explain that my medication was screwed up and I even took on the blame for everything that went wrong over the holiday season. I was in short pathetic. My self esteem is now at a record low and I am so depressed I can not stand it. I know that when I get my meds adjusted things will get better again, but Paul doesn't believe that and I can't blame him...how much patience should one person be expected to have with me? I know that I thought he loved me completely...but he hates me.
I have destroyed whatever chance there was at piecing my marriage back together. He hates me and I don't blame him. How could anyone love me?
I need to give Dillon up, turn myself in and try and get a clean slate at the end of the school year. Perhaps then I can start life over fresh. The Dwi hanging over my head stops me from moving forward in so many ways. I don't want to be a pathetic loser...but I am....
I think Paul now does believe me that I was getting phone calls from other women...and realizes that I know that it was probably from the couple that had been bothering us before. He says the caller id thing was a fluke..perhaps we were getting two calls at once. I called and the phone company says that can indeed happen. I have thrown away everything I loved because of a sick couple messing with my marriage. Things were getting better until they entered the picture. Now Paul hates me. He has every right to. I accused and blamed him for everything. I was a mess. I needed him to help me...but how could he want to?
It is all my fault. I got manic, stressed out, and couldn't handle everything that was going on and took it out on him and now he is sick of me. I don't blame him. I am sick of me. I wish I wasn't such a nervous wreck. I wish I had changed the phone number sooner. I wish I didn't need meds at all. I wish I could change everything that happened. I love my husband. I love my life. I love my son. Now I will lose all.
I can't support myself writing. I can't support Dillon. I can't take care of myself let alone a child. My husband hates me for being unable to emotionally deal with being attacked by the Radfords and taking it out on him. I am losing everything. My heart is broken. I want to reach out and hold Paul and yet...he would push me away...he would probably fly across the country again to away from me... and I don't blame him. How can I? I love him. I just want him to come home. I want him to see me after my meds are adjusted now that the Radfords can't call. I want him to give me a chance to make things right. I want him to let the love I know he has for me back out into his heart. Divorce is not the answer....we can be solution oriented and not lose everything if we sit down and work together.
If he would only tell me what he needs from me to make things work in our marriage....I would do whatever he wants...I love him.
Alaskangal - you are not a looser - Remember you got hit on the other day - and you have accomplished a lot for yourself - you will do great - if for no other reason than to just show him that you can.
First, you need to relax. I know that is very hard and I have been where you are, but the best thing that you can do is give him the space and work on you.
You made some mistakes and some things were out of your control, but you need to forgive yourself for those things. Change those things and work on you. I know the hardest thing to do is letting go, but you have to let him go so that he can heal from all that has happened as well.
Yes, you know the answers and you know what has happened, but now he has to figure that out for himself. He has to see the changes in you, but they have to be changes that you are doing for yourself and not just changes to keep him.
He will know the difference and he will push many buttons once you start the changes to see if they are going to stick. Right now, he has to have his space because he is hurting as badly as you are right now.
So you need to stop sending him letters and all that because it is just more emotional things that are being put on his shoulders and that was the reason he wanted his space in the first place. So give him that space and heal yourself right now.
Forgive yourself and help yourself. That is what you can do for him right now to show him that you love him. That is how you are going to get your point across. So please, don't get stuck in the dumps where satan is trying to put you right now.
You said that you are trusting in the Lord, then ask him the areas that you need to change and ask him to help you to change them and make them perminant. That is where you can start.
Wow.... Just spoke with my Doctor and now he says I am not bipolar and the meds are what pushed me over the edge combined with the stress. Told this to H and he actually sounded like he might have been listening. I beeped him/emailed him and He called me...which is huge. He did not say I love you or respond to my I love you with more than a yeah...but it was a softer yeah than before...and he did say bye and not just hang up...
He told me to just put the meds in a drawer somewhere and stop taking them for now if that is what doc said to do...and then said but it is always one thing or another with you....
I said...that was when I was drinking...and I don't drink anymore....the drinking led to depression and so that caused us problems...I am sober now so we can have hope...
He was quiet...but I could tell he was listening for a change and not just tuning me out. I told him about a house I could house sit for the two weeks he was home...have to see if it has a computer though ...told him about some work I have and he said he had to fix a turbine...so I quickly said you better go..which is when I said I love you and then said I love you ...he said yeah, bye...and I said bye. What do you all think?
I just received this newsletter in my email today and thought that I would share it with you. Maybe this will help you out too.
Thought this might help you out too.
The Ground Rules For Living
1. Be positive. The words you speak and the thoughts you accept determine your point of view. You then act consistent with your point of view and life makes your point of view come true. If you want a life that works, don't speak negatively or accept negative thoughts about yourself, other people or your life. Don't speak or think negatively unless you want your negative point of view to come true.
2. Accept yourself. You are the way you are whether you like it or not. Until you make peace with the way you are, you will never make peace with life. Accept every aspect of yourself, particularly the aspects that you don't like. Allow yourself to experience the hurt and the feelings of being worthless and not good enough. Allow yourself to be human. See the love and the beauty that you are, just the way that you are.
3. Let go. When you resist the way life is, you get upset and lose your ability to see what needs to be done. You destroy love and tend to make your situation worse. To restore effectiveness and peace of mind, let go of your demands for how life should be and make peace with the way life is. Be willing to experience all the hurt and the emotion that your circumstances reactivate. Then do whatever you need to do.
4. Express your love. To have love, open your heart and give love. Accept and appreciate people just the way they are. Be like a child. See the love and beauty in everyone. As you express your love for people, people will naturally express their love for you.
5. Accept full responsibility for your life. When you see your 100 % responsibility for what happens around you, you get your power back. Others may also be responsible, but when you blame them, you give them your power. You become a victim and unable to take action. Accepting responsibility allows you to take charge of your life.
6. Forgive yourself. At the moment you did whatever you did, you saw life in a very particular way. If you were wiser and more aware, you could have acted differently, but you weren't. You only knew what you knew. Forgive yourself for not being wiser and more aware. Forgive yourself for acting consistent with your limited awareness. Notice that you did the very best you could with the limited equipment that you had at the time.
7. Handle what doesn't work. When an aspect of your life doesn't work, you get upset and close down. You lose your aliveness and peace of mind. Unworkability exists only because you tolerate it. List all the items in your life that don't work and handle each one as fast as you can. Clean up your environment, your relationships, your health and your finances. Handle every aspect of your life that doesn't work.
8. Let go of resentment. Forgiveness is not for the other person. It's for you. When you resent, a part of you dies inside. You become bitter and lose your ability to love. Resentments are a subconscious tool we use to avoid hurt. Once you are willing to feel your hurt, you no longer need to resent. You can then forgive. Forgive the person for not being wiser and more aware. Forgive the person for acting consistent with his or her limited ability.
9. Don't overspend. Upsets about money seem to be due to a lack of income, but this is seldom the case. Most people in the world would love to have your level of income. Upsets about money are almost always due to overspending. When spending exceeds your income, you can expect to get upset. To create a life of prosperity, make sure you spend less than you make.
10. Find a dream to go for. When you have a dream to go for, life becomes an exciting adventure. You have direction and a reason for living. You add spice to your life. If you don't have a dream to go for, get one as fast as you can. Find your dreams and go full speed to make them come true.
11. Serve. Have your life be about more than you. When you put focus on yourself, upsets and problems grow. When you focus on serving others, upsets and problems dissolve. Find something more important than you and throw yourself into it. Have your life be about contributing.
12. Experience your spirituality. Love is your life force. The source of love is God. Create a relationship with God and allow yourself to be guided. Be still and listen. Pray and trust your intuition. Find what allows you experience the presence of God and do it often. Give your life to God and learn to love.
Have a good day and hang in there. Your husband needs time to see the new you and the changes that you have made. He has to trust that you are not going to fall back into the old pattern. Just stay confident in yourself. Things will work out, but it will be in God's timing and not ours.
