I mentioned on my thread this AM that I had taken a workshop this weekend called "The Yoga of Forgiveness". It was a journalling workshop where we followed a series of steps (which I'll in subsequent posts). It was VERY enlightening for me.
As my "person", I used my mother, and as my "grievance", I used the events of the night she threated to kill my sister and I.
I did well developing a sense of empathy and understanding for my mom...but I DID get stuck with translating that into understanding her actions. IOW...I was able for the first time to REALLY feel how lost and afraid and confused my mother must have been, how she may not have seen any solutions to her loneliness, etc. I DID struggle with the magnitude, though, of her actions. I suspect that if I did h as my "person" and his EA as the grievance I may struggle at the same point.
What does that tell me?
Well...start small! I wouldn't start with the biggest, worse thing you can think of!
Also...the teacher and I talked about how my "stuckness" might really be an attachment to "the way things SHOULD be"...and we talked about how my next "work" could be around letting go of that attachment.
As I was writing down the notes today, though, it occurred to me that the next step for me should probably be to identify times when my thougths/feelings/needs resulted in actions that were not admirable. I'm pretty sure I could come up with some examples!
Last thing? I think that WRITING this stuff down is KEY. If you're truly interested in seeing how this will work for you I suggest setting aside the time and working through it with pen and paper.
I guess I'll make this my next thread! My old one is winding down, anyway!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
1. Consider someone who irritates or angers you or someone you are holding a grievance toward or someone who simply drives you crazy. Write a paragraph describing that person as fully as you can. Be sure to use the adjectives and descriptive phrases that explain what makes the person so irritating.
2. Underline all the adjectives and descritptive phrases you used to describe the person. Using the sentence stem that follows, fill in the blanks with the adjectives and descriptive phrases you chose to describe the person in your paragraph:
I am having <name of person> be the <adjective or descriptive phrase> part of me, the <next adjective or descriptive phrase part of me>, etc.
Repeat this stem until all of the adjectives or descriptive phrases have been included.
3. Consider each adjective or descriptive phrase. Ask yourself the following questions:
What is my awareness of that quality within myself? What is my relationship to that quality in myself? How well developed is that quality in myself? Is it a part of me that used to be apparent but is not anymore? Is it a part of me that has the potential to surface under certain circumstances? Is is a part of me that is either so suppressed or so under-developed that I don't know it's there? Is there a way I am using this other person to carry that quality, refusing to see it in myself? Can I allow myself to acknowledge and open to that qulaity in myself and to soften towards it? Can I accept its presence and commit to working toard an attitude of equanimity and kindness toward this part of myself.
Remember: We often project onto others the parts of ourself we dislike. A Course in Miracles states "You never hate your brother for his sins, but only for your own. Whatever form his sins appear to take, it but obscures the fact that you believe them to be yours." The question then becomes "What is my relationship to that part of myself, to that quality in myself that I see in the other? Can I learn to accept all the parts of my being human?"
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Learning to Forgive Step 2: Cultivating Compassion
This step is based on the idea stated in A Course in Miracles that everything is either love or a call for love. If we or others behave badly then on some level it is a call for love -- the desire to meet some basic human need.
1. Consider the person you are holding the grievance against. Using a feelings inventory, see if you can identify the nature of your feelings of upset (I am mad, scared, confused, diappointed, etc). Then, see if you can identify the unmet needs associated with your feeling (feeling scared may indicate a need for physical safety; feeling angry may indicate a need for feeling understood and/or for feeling love).
2. Now consider from Step 1 (Owning Projections) a typical situation in shich the person you describe irritates you. Take some aspect of the situation in which the person behaved in a way that you found particularly annnoying. Now consider what that person may have been feeling prior to and while doing the behavior that annoyed you. Write down what you come up with (feelings). Now consider what needs the person may have had in that situation that was not being met.
3. Go back to the second part of Step 1 (Owning Projections) where you discovered some part of yourself you may have been projecting onto the person who annoys you. Go to part 2 of THIS step and come up with the feelings and unmet needs associated with that projected quality. Write them down.
When we begin to recognize the feelings and needs in ourselves and others, we cultivate empathy and compassion. The less-than-nurturing behaviors that result from the difficult feelings and unmet needs become much more understandable when we understand the context from which these behaviors emerge.
"A Course in Miracles" says "Dream of your brother's kindnesses, instead of dwelling in your dreams on his mistakes. Select his thoughtfulness to dream about instead of counting up the hurts he gave."
1. Regarding the one you are holding a grievance toward, try to remember what has been loving or pleasing about that relationship. Were there times of real enjoyment and satisfaction that you can remember? What qualities does this person possess that you appreciate? What things have they done for you or given you that have contributed to your happiness? Try to list three examples of what has been positive about this relationship. Remember that our predominant thoughts determine our experience and attitude about our world.
2. Think of the annoyances associated with this person and ask yourself these questions: What is the lesson here and how can I use this learning to grow and heal? What is the opportunity here? Write down your answers.
3. Imagine the person you are holding the grievance against as a very young child. Can you get in tough with the infant or child in this person and imagine s/he calling out for love? Imagine yourself giving love and affection to this child. Write down what you come up with.
4. Repeat 1-3 but now in regards to yourself, in reference to the disliked part of you that is represented by the one you hold a grievance towards. In #1, recall things you appreciate and love about yourself. In #2, see your own negative qualities as an opportunity to learn and grow. For #3, imagine yourself as an infant or child calling out for love and then imagine giving yourself that love.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
1. Take some time to read over and reflect on what you have written so far. Recall the grievances and any disliked aspects of yourself you may have been projecting onto the resented other. Review the call for love, the hurts, the feelings and needs both in the other and in yourself. Then recall the loving aspects of this relationship: memories of appreciation, satifsfactions and gratitude. Do not judge yourself if you have difficulty doing this. Just be aware of whatever thoughts and feelings are present. Let all the related issues, thoughts and feelings wash over you.
2. Now ask some questions of yourself: a. what is this really about? What is the main problem? What is the core issue here? You may discover something new.
b. What would it look and feel like if this matter were all resolved? Try to picture a situation in which healing has happened that is reasonable and realistic.
c. What needs to happen to move this matter in the direction of healing, harmony and growth?
What is a good small step in the right direction for this matter? Ask and wait with expectancy...believing that our wise inner self on some level knows how we are best to proceed.
Take as long as you need and write down what you come up with.
3. Look at your ideas and see if there is one you feel most drawn to right now. Make a commitment to yourself to follow through on whatever action would move the idea forward. Some examples of possible next steps are:
Share with the person any appreciations, loving thoughts you are drawn to share
Choose to work on a projected disliked aspect of yourself
Approach the person with your experience of this process Etc.
REPEAT AS NEEDED!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage...in AA we are prompted to ask ourselves when we are angry or disturbed by someone else...what part of yourself is disturbed by that person....similar concept, no?
I like the more indepth nature of your excercise, however...and may actually give it a shot...better than shooting him...or taking a shot...lol...just kidding...sobriety is key today for me...almost at six months...on the 21st of this month it will be 180 days! wooohooo...thanks to God, AA, my sponsor and friends in AA and HERE on the DB MB....
