Starting a new thread. I don't know why but I have a negative perception of my last one...so even though I've probably got plenty of time left on it...I want to move on...
Know what the title is from?
When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
That's how I'm looking at it, folks...
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
meditate every day (15 mins) do flybaby assignment or just general declutter (15 mins) exercise (30 mins)
Goal #2:
Do 2 things each week that I wouldn't normally do -- possibilities are endless here...eat something I normally wouldn't, go somewhere I wouldn't go, etc. Think up cool things.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Underdog wrote: Back in October, my DB friend (Cycler) and I entered a dialogue about crazymaking. Her H and I have that in common. I realized that my incessant need to create chaos in order to receive words of affirmation (my love language) had taken a toll on Mr. Wonderful--he no longer felt safe with me.
Realizing the impact my habit had on the ones I love was very sobering. I see the harm it did in all of my close relationships, and have decided to learn every trick in the book to keep that addiction under control. I find it very difficult not to create drama, so this is new territory for me.
Sage replied: My "crazy making" is calmer and quieter than it used to be thanks to DR but I've been teetering around for the last few days wondering why/how/what the heck I've been doing...things are so great at home so why am I mentally rocking the boat? Probably confusing the heck out of h?
Your post reminded me of my bad habit...
Just 'cause I'm not doing it at the top of my lungs anymore doesn't mean I ain't doing it...
A follow on post that Underdog made challenged me to answer the question: What need isn't getting fulfilled that leads me to crazymake?
My knee jerk reaction would have been that I'm missing verbal affirmations...but honestly, h has been SO VERBAL that I just can't believe that that's totally it.
Maybe it's not what I am hearing but what I **think** I'm not hearing that I'm looking for....and that's not fair...to him, to me, to us.
I'm still stuck on stuff sometimes...
that he thinks I'm a "good wife" that he no longer believes "it's never been right" that he recognizes why he strayed and won't do it again that he wants to be married to me that it's ok with him if sometimes I'm nutty and insecure that he doesn't wish that he had stayed with ow etc
Same old stuff...that I'm "good enough", that I'm "chosen" by him, that it won't happen again.
Sooooo...how to put ACTION around recognizing and stopping crazy making?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Have you read Mars/Venus? I'm thinking you have... do you remember the part where he discussed the woman's need to cycle down to the bottom? I made sort of a jump to conclusion that he was talking about PMS, but he elaborated that PMS is part of that process, but not always so. I think that you just might be needing to "go down" for a little while".
Time to think about what's happened this year, and where you want to be/go next year? Who you want to be and who you want to do it with (bad grammar... sorry).
Are you just in a place where you're feeling edgy and anxious? Do you feel you need to always be DOING something?
I've found that when I feel that way, the perfect antidote is to pray (or you can meditate) and then decide not to do anything. As our friend Soup says, cherish yourself.
Call a girlfriend--go out for coffee. Buy some new makeup. Go get a manicure and pedicure. Do girly things that make you feel good inside. If you absolutely HAVE to do something tangibly evident, go volunteer to work at a food bank for a few hours--offer to babysit for a friend--bring some toiletry items to a shelter... anything that feels good.
My need for crazymaking stemmed from my childhood--getting my parents' attention and words of affirmation when I handled a crisis with grace, speed and efficiency. I've just transferred the need to hear that from my parents to Mr. Wonderful.
After it was something I learned to do instinctively, I would do it not to hear the words, but because things were slow and agreeable... and boring. It would give me something to do to occupy my time--and in the end, I could say to myself, "Wow, you did it again! Great job!"
The only problem with that was that the problems were all contrived so I could tell myself what I wanted to hear.
There are so many other quiet ways to achieve the same results--ones that don't lead you and your H down a dangerous path.
Sometimes the best thing to do when you're feeling the need to do something nutty to relieve yourself of whatever you're feeling is to do absolutely nothing.
So use your "nothing time" to pamper yourself instead. Avoid sucking your wonderful H into the mood--you'll be thankful if you do!
JMTCW... Hugs.
Underdog
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
This just happens to be a topic in which I consider myself an expert. I could probably list days worth of horrors on my crazymaking that would make everyone here cringe...
I wish I could tell D9 your reaction! When she found out about the BB, she was initially jealous--jealous of time I spent on the computer and away from her. Then I told her that I was learning and writing to others as well.
She looked at me incredulously and said, "Huh? You mean that people actually listen to what you're telling them?" Ouch! But I'm pretty sure I felt that way about my mom when I was nearly 10 and a know-it-all.
The sad commentary is that my sister and I are in the unenviable position of "teaching" our parents the art of detaching. They have a ways to go and it's frustrating!
Time to go buy Mr. W. some chicken soup and send him on his way. It's girls night out and we're hitting the mall!
TTFN and big hugs.
UD
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi, I'm really excited about this exploration that we may be getting into of crazymaking. (I'm inviting myself!)
Sage, tbh, i've been feeling jealous/angry/irritated reading your threads sometimes. You have so much good going on (And so much *words* from h that I want to hear so bad) and you continue to feel yucky. What is going on, girlfriend??? I know this is baffling you too:
Quote: A follow on post that Underdog made challenged me to answer the question: What need isn't getting fulfilled that leads me to crazymake?
My knee jerk reaction would have been that I'm missing verbal affirmations...but honestly, h has been SO VERBAL that I just can't believe that that's totally it.
Maybe it's not what I am hearing but what I **think** I'm not hearing that I'm looking for....and that's not fair...to him, to me, to us. You are not hearing him and that IS going to be frustrating to him. He will feel like you don't trust him/believe him/believe in him. He may tire of telling you these things if you cont. to feel insecure.
I'm still stuck on stuff sometimes...
that he thinks I'm a "good wife" You ARE a good wife, and we all wonder that about ourselves at times, no? that he no longer believes "it's never been right" He's told you that he WANTS to be with you forever again, right? A lot of people wonder about these things in their m from time to time, no? that he recognizes why he strayed and won't do it again We hope he does, but that is on him! He is an intelligent man with a conscience-I'm sure he regrets it/feels ashamed/hurt/sorry. I'm sure that NOONE wants to do that to his/her spouse that he wants to be married to me He married you, he's STILL married to you...need I say more? that it's ok with him if sometimes I'm nutty and insecure In God's name, PLEASE tell me who isn't nutty and insecure sometimes??? that he doesn't wish that he had stayed with ow She's a tramp. ha ha...WHO IS HE WITH??? SAGE OR ow????????? HE'S WITH SAGE! HE'S WITH SAGE! HE MARRIED SAGE! HE LOVES SAGE! etc
Same old stuff...that I'm "good enough", that I'm "chosen" by him, that it won't happen again.
Who told you that you aren't good enough? What reason do you have to not believe that you are good enough? Why isn't Sage lovable??? What's wrong with you? Honestly??? You are constantly getting praise in here, you are a successful, smart engineer, you are hot, you are fun, you are romantic and playful. What do you still think is wrong with you???
You are doing great by identifying your anxieties and insecurities and your areas that need work. What about your strengths? What do you like most about yourself? What are you good at? What happened to your volunteering? Are you still doing that? What traits can you capitalize and focus on? What makes you a good wife? You've talked about what makes you better than ow. BELIEVE IT!
What is the need that is not being fulfilled?
I think it's probably the one that most of us here deal with on a continual basis-loving ourselves. Sh!t, if I knew how to do it, I wouldn't be here. I would know that h loves me and have no qualms about it. AND I would believe that if he didn't, it would be HIS loss. How's that for detaching? How's that for confidence? What if we all felt that way and believed it?? Wouldn't the world and the bb be a much better place?
How can we get there? What will it take? What works for you? I know you are meditating and exercising, etc. What's keeping the love for yourself from really sinking in? It has nothing to do with h. It's all about you!
