Previous post: Kell's story Well, here I am - admitting that things are on an upturn, and working through the issues of trust. Here's my sitch: Me, 41, H 45. Married 18 years. One son, 14. Two years ago, H retired from the military, took a local job that had lots of opportunity. Nothing in civilian life was as it seemed. Got wrapped up in the job, and the people there. Last fall, announced he didn't love me any more, loved a co-worker, and wanted to get away. Never said D, but just continued to say home was full of pressure, and he needed to get out. Went to counselling, but didnt' remain. H saw counsellor on his own for a few months. In Jan, and Feb, OW told H to go back to his family. In April, attended Retrouvaille weekend, H insisted his feelings for OW and myself would not change. He told me he promised he would be with OW someday. May, H returned from a business trip, and something happened. H has behaved almost without fault since. The closeness and affection has not been what it once was, and I am riddled with insecurity and doubt, but H has followed all the rules. He's home, he calls if he's going to be late, and doesn't appear to be spending anytime with OW. My issue is dealing with not knowhing what miracle occured that changed his outlook, or has his feelings changed? H once said the easiest for him to do would be to set his own feelings aside, and pretend to be happy at home so everyone else would be satisfied. I often wonder, when he's quiet and distant, if that is what he is doing. H used to be overly affectionate, and now is not. The not knowing is driving me crazy! It is amplified now, because of the bad memories from this time last year, and the fact that H just came into some money from the sale of his parent's house. He suggested we buy a fixer-upper, rehab it, and rent it out. Last year, he insisted he needed to move away. Having a house available to him really is freaking me out. Is he looking for an investment? Or an escape? If it's an escape, shouldn't I let him take it? Otherwise, I just cage him more. With the promise he made to the OW, and not having clarification of his feelings for her, I am just stuck. I am reluctant to ask, as it "sets him back", but I suppose I need to let him know what's on my mind. Well, after that vent, welcome to putting life back together.
This is journalling. I'm struggling with the doubt and the flashbacks. Last December was tough. About this time last year, I was tearing up my anniversary card and breaking wine bottles in fustration. H was threatening to move out, and proclaiming undying love for the OW. Now, as we repeat annual events, those memories are right there. Last week was our anniversary; and we had a nice dinner out, but very little romance. Last night was our son's band concert, and again, he was there - but not close or affectionate, but did hit companionable. I'm struggling with how to tell him with what I'm wrestling with; how to put it away or behind me; so I can stop obsessing and depressing myself with thoughts of "is it for real?"
Well, backslide today. Sent an email asking H for lunch, meaning to try an approach the subject of if he was content or not content, trying to determine a level of commitment. There are alot of unresolved issues on my part that creep in as doubt, and with the flashbacks almost daily through this month and the holidays, they are in my head all the time. There are about 4 things that H said to me last spring, that I just can't shake: "OW is the only woman I love, the only one who can make me happy." "OW is the only one I can see being faithful to." "The easiest thing for me to do would be to stop seeing OW, and pretend to be happy. Even if I'm not."
and the most disheartening: "I promised OW that someday, somehow, we would be together."
I really need some sort of guage from H to know how we are doing. Otherwise, I see my glass as half empty and draining.
Anyway, invited H to lunch, meaning to let him know that I needed some time and attention, and somehow explain my fears. H replied he was too busy at work to get away. I said fine, but I'd like to have some of his time when it was convenient. (We have a son, live with my parents, next door to my sister, and just adopted a new puppy, and H likes to work late, and watch TV in the evenings, and we all have evening activities throughout the week.) H immediately phoned by cell - "what's wrong?" and wouldn't take nothing - we'll talk later as an answer, and the dam burst. He got angry, "I haven't done anything." "I know", I replied, "it's not about what you've done. It's my dealing with bad memories." and it went down hill. Patched it with an I'm sorry email, but I don't know what lasting impact. I gotta figure out my expectations, I guess.
first kelli, welcome to piecing, sounds like you have made quite a few friends here already. sorry to say i dont know alot of your sitch since this is my first visit.
backslides are hard to deal with, mostly because we want to kick ourselves for even having them. that is the hardest thing i think we have to do in piecing, is to bite our tounge.
but if there is one thing i hear on this forum more than anything else, is when you do bite it (don't bring up the r, don't bring up the ow, act like a friend, validate) then the payoffs are wonderful, but the payoffs are on THIER time not ours
and what happened to believing only 50% of what you see and not believeing 100% of what you hear? did you forget that?
what your hubby said in the past is of no consequence and was said when mind was confused.
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going thru. I know those words do cut deep as my W has expressed those very thoughts too ... and have had to deal those dreaded anniversary dates of those dark time of the year prior with much the same fears you have expressed.
What I have come to realize is with S's where the OP was the one that ends the A. There is definately a mourning / grieving period our S's have to work thru. It is their issue. As hard as it is to accept, it has nothing to do with you and any reference you make to it will be seen as unwelcome. It's best to detach. When they are distant and quiet. Let them be. Give them space ... as much as for your peace of mind as for their benefit as well.
What have I done to prevent myself from going stir crazy wondering if her feeling for me would ever come back? ...
- Accept that I have to build my own PMA. That I can't rely on her feelings or emotions to feed my PMA. Therefore, I can't have any expectations as to how she feels now. I actually accept at this time she most likely is not content with the present arrangement, but continue to hold out in hope that one day she will "see the light". Until then, I know I can't bring it up, push, or hold any expectations and that helps prevent backslides. In a way, I still think of her as a WAW. So I'm not looking for words or talks, but actions she does to tell me if she is drawing closer to me ... actions she initiates (ie, hugs, smiles, holding hands, etc...)
In the meantime, I still work on doing what feels good to me. The things that make me a better person. Offering unconditional gifts that show I care. Such as holding her hand if she allows. Giving her a hug at the end of the day, telling her how I missed her today, giving a kiss on the cheek or forehead. Giving her a card saying how I'm thinking about her today or flower, a book or CD she might enjoy or a favorite snack food. Make her breakfast on the weekend or take her out to dinner during the week to give her a day off from cooking a meal to give you a short list. I do these things because how it makes me feel to do these things for her and I've let her know that's the reason for doing them and reinforce it by not asking for anything in return and learn to be OK with that for real.
I do these things because I want to be her friend and in time ... well maybe ... I can become the OP she starts to yearn for...
I hope this helps with some of what you're dealing with. It hard as he$$, but for me it has helped deal with the pain ... and of course ... it takes lotsa time and patience, along with understanding and compassion ... and more time and patience.
Thanks for the words of support. I have read both Kitti's and KAW's threads from time to time, and learn a little with each visit. I need to find ways to detach from my fears, not from H. I tend to do both or none. We never had a "talk" last night, and by then and a little lunchtime shopping therapy, I'd gotten a grip again. I still am not sleeping well, but we'll let that ride a bit. H was pleasant, and I didn't push for his attention. (It helped that I could watch my 2 year old neice play with the puppy). Later, I was cleaning, and like old times, H told me to stop, poured me a glass a wine, and invited me to watch TV with him. Actually, he said "sit someplace, and I'll follow you", so I could have made it a time to talk, and didn't.
