H and I have been together for seven years. We were married on the dock of our home on Parkside Dr. and lived relatively happy, productive lives there.
We adopted all three of our children (they each have four legs, a tail and are covered in hair).
My mother and her husband lived in their own condo back then and I took care of them by running back and forth and managing their bills as well. However, both were diagnosed with Alzheimer's and could no longer live safely on their own. My brother (who lives in Costa Rica) and I decided upon a plan to protect Mom's assets and more importantly, them.
My mother is a retired nurse who worked in geriatrics for several years and swore she'd rather be dead than end up in a nursing home.
So we used her assets to buy a nice big home that could be converted into a two family dwelling. My H and I both agreed to live their, I would be their fulltime caregiver and H would help with the caretaking and be their to assist me in other ways. You know, the things that H's and W's usually do for each other. Emotional support, sharing responsibilities.....
Anyway, it was understood that this was going to be a two man job at the very least. I know that my brother would never have suggested this arrangement if he had known that there was even a slight chance that I would be left to do this alone. Everyone thought we had a solid M, including me.
We moved in, December of 2001.
Early in 2002. My H was made supervisor in his department of a large dental lab. His job is very demanding of his time and energy. We ourselves, had been working toward starting our own lab over the years and have put ourselves into debt collecting the equipment and supplies needed. This is still on hold.
October 2002. My H hired a woman to work in his department and this is when our relationship noticeably took a turn down a dark path. He later admitted that they were doing some heavy flirting back in December of 2002.
H suddenly was coming home later and later and going out after work with others (or just one other) nearly every night. His behavior toward me was increasingly cold, distant and irritable.
In January 22, 2003. H dropped the bomb that he wanted to leave, that he had wanted to leave for a long time, he didn't think he ever was truly in love with me...blah, blah, blah.
Then a week and half later I asked H if he was having an affair and he admitted that he was but said that sex was not involved. Later that same night, after he had raced away from me in order to be with her, he came home at 2 a.m. and admitted that they had just had sex that evening and that they had been having sex for some time.
Many lies and more betrayal followed over the months and he still seemed bent on leaving.
June 2003. H appears to have ended the A for real this time. But no..
July 4, 2003. H declares his independence and tells me that all he can offer me now is to be a part-time H. He moved some things back to Parkside.
One week after our new arrangement was in gear, my doctor confirmed that my weight loss and other physical problems that had been taking control of my body over the past months, were indicative of something serious. I confront H about holding off with the partial separation plan because of my present condition. H agreed after some resistance.
July 31, 2003. H calls on his way home from work. The truck has died an untimely death and he needs me to rescue him. As I drive him back, his deafening silence is broken by an order to take him to our Parkside property. When we arrive, he leaves me sitting in the car for a long time without so much as a word. I finally get out of the car and he comes over and informs me that I am no longer needed and to "go away".
At this point, everything escalates and I am loudly and coldly informed that everything that is wrong in our lives is because of me - including the trucks demise. He throws his most poisonous verbal darts at me. (Too many to go into here).
He then looks at me with foreboding in his eyes and says “Do you want me to show you what I feel every time I look at you?” I know something awful is about to happen, so I hold on to the kitchen counter to steady myself. He then goes into the next room for a moment and then swiftly marchs back into the room with a loaded pistol in his mouth. He glares at me with an expression that screams, “See what you are making me do?!”
Everything after this is a blur as I try to get away from him for fear of what I am about to witness and cringing as I wait for the awful sound of life exploding all around me.
August, 2003. H buys himself a brand new motorcycle without telling me, thereby putting my credit rating into further jeopardy. He'd bought a used Porsche and several other motorcycles earlier in the year – all without a single word to me about any of it. He spent into the thousands, going out every night and on weekends with his OW. He lived the high-life with her, staying in hotels and dining at expensive restaurants, while giving me $0.00 - $40.00 per month for my personal expenses. (Mind you, he accused me of being the cause of our financial problems.)
August 28, 2003, H was permanently laid off at work.
Weeks later, I discovered by accident while I was at the bank, that my H had held back a large sum of his severance pay and when I showed him the statement, he sheepishly admitted he had hid it at the Parkside property.
September, 2003 and beyond.
H begins to soften and show signs of renewed interest in me as we spend time together, and as his connection with the old workplace, (and all the insidious conditions therein) begin to weaken and dissipate.
November, 2003. H approaches me and tells me he thinks that we should rent out our house on Parkside. We've begun to move some of the remaining items (mostly his stuff) back over to our home here.
H begins to talk of the future in terms of “us” and remarks that “it’s interesting how things happen in life right at the time when we need to change our direction… to put us back on track”.
Jeannine, it sounds like your h and you are back on the right path. What can I say that you probably don't already know? He needs to find happiness within himself and want to share that with you and you need to find happiness within yourself and want to share that with him. I hope that this is what happens for you both.
Welcome back ... have missed you being around here ... and to come back with such great news about your H moving back in with you ... well you got me grinin' from ear to ear.
... and to go thru such a harrowing experience as what had transpired over the summer, it had to take a lot for you to share that with us. I remember how hard you struggled to try to come to terms with what happened at the time. By sharing that with us now, I hope it helps some to heal from those dark memories.
... and may those dark times forever be vanquished by the brighten radiance that surrounds you now and I hope you continue to keep in touch with the gang here...
How strong and loving and compassionate you are to have stood by your h ... I'm delighted to hear that your sitch has taken a positive turn. Looking forward to hearing more of your "Piecing".
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I'm glad to have gotten that July 31st recall out of the way. I purposely put it in the "summary" so as not to have to go into detail.
I feel that it is now safe for me to focus on it as long as I don't start dwelling too much - which I don't intend to do.
My health, both physical and mental, have taken a rather large beating this year, thus I am moving cautiously.
My C had become increasingly concerned about my mind's coping techniques as the crack lines began widening under the stress load.
I was experiencing the different sides of "disassociation".
I wasn't aware that "disassociation" could have a comfortable side and I was looking at it as a good thing. She quickly dispelled that illusion for me.
I have had no episodes in the last two weeks and am feeling more "stable".
Pam, alaskaangal, Kaw and Sage
Thanks for the thumbs up. It's a comfort to know you are there.
My posting opportunities are sporadic and often interrupted, so please bare with me and my sometimes poorly written thoughts. I don't always have the time to proof what I write.
{{{J}}} I've missed you around here! Welcome back and welcome to the road back to recovery. The road has a few potholes and speedbumps, but it beats the heck out of Limbo Land!
SOOOO wonderful to see a thread with your handle on it!!
It IS a good thing that you can write about that traumatic event from August...telling and retelling can actually dissipate the power of such a traumatic memory.
I'm very curious about your dissociative experiences, Jeannine. But of course you will share what is comfortable to you.
I was just today working on my lecture about dissociation. From my understanding it is a mechanism of escape from traumatic memories, events, emotions. It's a "switching" of tracks in our levels of consciousness.
It CAN be a great comfort...which is why for some individuals it becomes the norm...at an extreme you can see forms of amnesia, or if the process starts in childhood, Dissociative Identity Disorder (formerly Multiple Personality Disorder).
My closest brush with this was with a friend who is anorexic. Sometimes when we'd get too "close" to certain topics, or what I said contradicted "the skinny bitch" (our name for the negative track in her head telling her stuff like I was lying, we all wanted to make her fat, that she was not worth saving, no one could help her) she would "slip away"...
I'd see her eyes become unfocussed, rapid blinking, and she was gone...sometimes for over an hour. Nothing I did or said made any difference.
She described it like this: That she could still make out what I was saying, but could NOT respond...she'd try...but couldn't...the tape in her head took over...When she "came to" she'd have no idea how much time had passed.
Now THIS is an example of dissociation that was NOT very comforting! But other times it's a form of comforting escape.
Just wanted you to know that we're ALL capable of such states, some of us more than others...creative people with the ability to focus, get lost in a good book, fantasize etc. are more prone.
I'm glad your C is helping you with this, and SOOO happy to see you back and hear that your H may be waking from his MLC/Depression? coma.
