Well I thought H and I were going along real well then about a month or so ago I felt a shift in the wrong direction. He seemed to become distant and didn't have much interest in sex. I know he hasn't been happy in years M to me, but we really were recovering. I know I'm not the "woman of his dreams" anymore. I accept that. I have changed, we get along much much better than we did before bomb. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm not his type anymore, one example is he likes to hike, I started going with him last Summer but I can't keep up with him. he is also unhappy in his job, I know that isn't my fault but we all know that they tend to blame us for everything negative in their lives.
He's also not in love with me, that's a hard pill to swallow but I have only myself to blame for that. At least he doesn't tell me he loves me, his actions are quite different though.
I feel like right now that we are 2 lonely people in an unhappy marriage. Oh I'm happy and glad he is still here, but I can't help feeling he's just here because it's easier than the alternative.
I don't excite him. I'm old and I think he wants someone younger. But he also has a fear of being alone. I realize all of this and although it isn't ideal, I've tried to make our lives happier together. I feel like he is 'settling' and I'm settling too for a situation that isn't ideal but in my mind I still have him and I'll take it because he has my heart. Oh how much easier this would be if he didn't have my heart.
I'm sorry that you're back and tht you feel like "bomb-dropping" stage all over again...
It's hard to tell from your post what's fact (eg, happened thru action) and what's a result of your ASSumptions. Like the part about you not exciting him, him wanting someone younger, etc....
Can you tell us what you're seeing as actions, what h has actually said (not that that makes it fact...we know that! LOL)...
I don't know enough about your sitch to remember where in the process you are but I DO know that ebbing and flowing of desire and interest and commitment...for both parties is not, ahem, unheard of in these parts....The overarching goal is an UPWARD trend in all of those to be sure...but it is NOT a unidirectional process.
I'll bet if you tell us more we can relate!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
HI lisa, I agree with you it doesn't seem like the happiest time in your lives, but girl I can feel you are putting yourself down here.
YOU feel you're not the woman of his dreams anymore... well turn into the woman of his dreams! Remember the small things that certainly were a factor for his interest when your relationship started? WEll time to get them back Seriously, everyone changes, that doesn't makes us less, just changed, and change doesn't have to be something bad. Maybe you can't keep up with him on his hikes, ok, so sit down and compromise on a way where both of you can enjoy the hike. I know me and Rui loved it, but I do have some trouble keeping up sometimes, so we just agreed on a pace that suits us both, and more resting time.
If he is with you, there has to be some love there for you. Maybe he's not the telling type. Many men don't feel confortable with saying those words, but the actions count as much as words. SOmetimes more!
YOu shouldn't be focusing on what you "think" he wants> Because you can never really know unless he tells you. That is under the "assumption" field, and doesn't really help much. Rather you should focus on what things you feel he enjoys with you and bring those up. But mostly, try to find positives in your relationship that you can build up into more positives. And for that you need to feel positive as well. Maybe you are feeling a bit depressed with the whole situation. I know I did. IF that is so, maybe your doctor can help. Just remember that the power to turn the situation around is in your hands as well. And focus on where you want this relationship to go. Hope this helps nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Quote: He's also not in love with me, that's a hard pill to swallow but I have only myself to blame for that. At least he doesn't tell me he loves me, his actions are quite different though.
What do you blame yourself for?
Quote: I don't excite him. I'm old and I think he wants someone younger.
Age is a state of mind. Why do you think he wants someone younger? Has he said this?
Quote: Oh how much easier this would be if he didn't have my heart.
That's why it's called dbing..if we didn't have hearts we'd all be having A's, and having A's and on and on.
Also, would you mind giving a brief recap of your sitch? I've only been here six months. I know I posted to you a few weeks ago, you had some great insights. It seems like you're assuming lots and doing some mindreading, also.
glanced over your last thread and noticed that you were feeling a bit more positive then.
These things can be cyclical, sometimes our own fears or doubts cause us to act a certain way, wich causes them to act a certain way..etc etc etc....
don't know if you read over your last thread before starting this one but you said a lot of really great things that would still apply now in the advice you were giving others so I wont repeat your wise words right back to you.
hoping you find a way out of this slump cause that's all I think it is.
sage, i feel he wants someone younger because the female "friend" he was talking to at time of bomb was 16 years younger than him.
he doesn't tell me how he feels, so I have to guess. I have known him for many years and can probably get close.
On an occasion that I made myself available to him sexually a couple weeks ago he acted less than excited about it. I got insecure and checked on the condom stash (that were bought a couple years ago to increase his stamina) and one was missing that wasn't used with me. I asked him about that and he blamed our 18 year old son who has a girlfriend. he also put on some cologne to go work out and I asked him about that and he said it was to not 'stink' when he was in contact with other members (it's a self defense class). however, there have been no calls to or from his cell phone to anyone. he is always where he should be. I came home from work unexpected to him I found out and he was watching a porno on his computer. He doesn't know I know that, but it ws very obvious that he didn't expect me at that time. I felt like an intruder in my own house. he was very quiet and withdrawn after that.
nightshade, I do take rests and he's very patient on the hikes. I just feel like a failure in his eyes.
he used to be the telling type, used to tell me 20 times a day that he loved me.
i thought I was succeeding in becoming again the girl he fell in love with but in a text earlier he told me I wasn't happy either in the M, the very words he said at time of bomb 21 months ago. I can't BELIEVE we're back to that stage.
leftandknowwhy, H dropped the bomb when we were M for 19 years. His exact words were "I don't know that I'm in love anymore". This bomb was bound to happen, I know that now because we couldn't have kept going like we were. I didn't show him respect, he got to where he wasn't showing it to me either. There was EA woman, he denies ANY involvement still to this day but I know better. They sat in his truck one night after a class they were in that they met at and he left here on his bike to call her several times. Maybe there wasn't any emotional connection for her other than friends but I know he had some. It's what gave him the nerve to drop the bomb.
I told him to leave several weeks after that, he said "where will I go" I said "that's not my problem". He never left. He decided to stay with me and try and work on it. We had been working on it ever since. And we were successful. I would have given us a -1 at time of bomb with 0 being D, a few months ago I'd have given us a 7.
I blame myself because I did cause a lot of the damage all by myself. He loved me so much once. I took him for granted. I was a royal bitch at times. I read in books about what kills love, and I am guilty of most of it. Lisa
lostlove, I'd like it to be just slump but when he said that I wasn't happy either, with EITHER being the opperative word that tells me he's not again. We have made a lot of progress and I can tell from his email tonight that he is not feeling totally distant and detached like he was a time of bomb 21 months ago. He was very done then, his words and boy could I tell. He was not happy to hear from me back then. the thing is I've always had to pry everyting out of him and I still am having to do that. Lisa
Thank you for the link LL It is indeed a much more positive post and I"m sure that you can find there many things that can uplift you right now. I really understand what you are feeling. I've been going trough some of those cycles myself, and so is Rui. But I'm learning how to fight them. He choose to be stay with you and in the marriage. That's the main point. He's acting in a caring way and that is a good. People sometimes have their ups and downs. It's us that tend to always link then to the affairs because that's what 's on our mind, and what hurt us. But many times it doesn't have anything to do with it. THe problem is that once we start feeling negative there's some sort of a chain reaction and then things do get more negative. Make a list of all the good things that happened. Share it with him if he's receptive. Bring your self confidence up with a makeover if that helps. I remember there was a point RUi had no idea of who he was going to find when he got home LOL different hair style different style of clothes... come to think about it he still never knows ANd don't think things will not get better.. they will if both of you want nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
