Thanks, Jeannine for helping me with the title for my new thread!
Actually, return has been delayed a week. We both came down with a flu the kids have had and decided not to push it. We had lunch yesterday & I asked him if the faraway look he had was sadness about moving out of his place--but he said he was just tired & not feeling well.
I told him that I was really looking forward to him coming home as I have missed him alot. He said, "soon enough, you'll be stuck with me", so I told him I LIKE being stuck with him.
Later, when he walked me to the car, he caught sight of his reflection in a storefront & started going on about how "terrible and fat" he looks. I said, "excuse me, but you are talking about the man I love and the body I lust after!" Geez, if someone else talked about him the way he beats up omn himself sometimes, I'd be in thier face defending his honor.
Well, I'm having to type hunt-and-peck style right now. The other night I was rushing around putting away groceries, starting dinner, and talking to Wolfie on the phone & cut my finger pretty deep with a knife.
I said--"gotta go I just cut myself and blood is spurting everywhere!" Holay, I wasn't kidding...the whole kitchen was sprayed in blood. It was weak-kneed moment! I finally got it to quit bleeding and steri-striped up the wound because I was determined not to have to go get stitches! I think it may be awhile before I get full-feeling back in the tip of me finger as I definatly messed up some nerves.
More journaling: I forgot to say..yesterday when Wolfie walked me to my car, he gave me a loooong hug. Actually, like a 5-10 minute hug. We just stood there, watching the leaves fall and the people go by and he was making content little growly noises. The hug is a big deal because my major LL is physical affection and it used to be that I would always have to initiate hugs and he would always break away first--far before I was ready.
Also, last night we were talking about his counseling and the whole PTSD thing. I told him that I have seen SO much growth in him over the last 6 months.
Now I feel like I can talk to him about anything without having to worry that he'll get defensive or shut down on me. Even if he disagrees with me, he doesn't discount what I'm saying to stonewall me.
He said he was really glad that I could see growth, and that even though he was primarily doing the work for himself, it was also his way of fighting for us.
He said he'd seen alot of changes in me too, that I'm more calm & flxible about things. I said I thought that I was mostly responding to HIS changes. Before, there had been all of these unresolved problems and tension because I couldn't get him to even talk to me, much less look at any solutions.
He said that he used to think I was always being controlling, but was starting to see how frustrated, lonely, and insecure I used to feel in reaction to his behavior. He even apologized for that.
I told him I was still sad because I wished he were happier and more at peace but we both figure that will come eventually if he keeps doing the work he's doing with C.
It was a good, validating conversation. It ended up with him saying he was a very lucky man to be in love with his best friend.
Havent posted before and I just caught up with your thread. Hey you seem to be in a great place and things really seem to be moving well. Its great to see the other make those moves to work on themselves for the relationship. For me its been just great getting my best friend back, I think I missed that more then anything.
Look after that finger.
All the best
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Heya, Farfromhome. It sounds like you are at a similar place with your spouse. It's an amazing thing, isn't it, to find that stage of getting to know each other all over again? Kindof like first dating, but better and with more challenges.
One of the most helpful things is that he know knows that R's go through cycles. We will go through phases again of power struggles and get into phases of stability where we also get into ruts. We will probably also have times when we grow distant, then come back together into a romancing phases all over again!
I just cringe when I see people on these bbs say thier partners say they still love them, but have come to the conclusion that they simply aren't "compatable". I heard the same from Wolfie not that long ago, before he understood the concept of phases and cycles in a long-term R.
Hey KAW, before I got locked out of my thread, I was going to respond to your qustion about a cave for H. No, he currently has no cave.
I just went to see a little cabin that my dad is building and got the details on what I can build in the back yard (200 sq. ft.) without getting a permit. With materials from the local ReStore, I think we could cut the cost quite a bit.
Unlike most guys who don't care what the place looks like, my guy would have our whole house decorated like a Pottery Barn catalog if we could afford it!
How the heck did he come out of the fog to realize that?
My W thinks it could happen, but could take as long as 3 to 5 years - so she wants a D because otherwise it's too painful for her to wait - guilt I guess.
Quote: It's an amazing thing, isn't it, to find that stage of getting to know each other all over again? Kindof like first dating, but better and with more challenges.
I joked with my wife that I'm looking forward to someone asking me how we met, and I'll say "Well, one day she asked me to her concillers office and asked my for a divorce." It's a new beginning - yeah, learning about each other all over again in a different way.
Funny, so many frinds have told me that they've had problems and things are so much better afterwards. It's like you're not really married (or don't know how to be) until you go through this kind of crisis. Someone should have told us all this on our wedding days!
How did he come out of the fog to realize that? Well..I told him, my folks told him, the MC told him, his C told him, and the videos our MC gave us told him in detail (with diagrams & all!). I think he finally realized his theories about relationships were crap because he was thinking linealy about something that is more...well...circural.
The rest of it seems like he realizes that he can get his needs met by making positive changes that I encourage and reward. Sort of a Pavlov behavior modification thing. He gets to be in charge a what & when and I get to decide what I like and what I definately don't want to encourage!
