Shine like the star you are!

[sage]

Hey everyone...

Here's a link to my last thread:
Sage's last thread

So...I'd been thinking about starting a new thread all weekend...in recognition that despite tremendous progress in my sitch and in my behavior (and in h's behaviors, too!) that I still find myself clinging to some old patterns....too much "mind talk", too much worrying about the future. A few weeks ago I felt SO good -- calm, comfortable, confident....I'm not beating myself up for lapsing back into "stuff"..I just like the other feeling better!!! So, the goal is to get back there and spend as much time there as possible.

Here's where the thread title comes from (horoscope for today):

A Gemini with an inferiority complex is like a restaurant owner with a fear of going hungry. You have no reason to doubt yourself yet there are moments when you can somehow forget all that you are, all that you have accomplished, all that you have at your disposal. It's probably just as well. At least it gives the rest of us some kind of fighting chance to catch up with you. Sometimes though, you have to stop giving yourself a hard time and just shine like the star you are. Here comes such a time.

More to come...

Sage

[psluke]

When you post it your horoscope always seems to fit so well!

I think you are awesome and don't have any need to have your fears but that doesn't mean you don't feel them and have to deal with them on a regular basis!

Thank you for all your help today. I am about to make it!

[nikatnight]

I agree with Pam! I like this horoscope. I am a Gemini too, June 14th. When is your b-day? nik

[sage]

Nik -- my bday is June 8th. Howdy, fellow twin!

Sage

[shinybear]

#2

Pam! When you're the first poster on a new thread you can claim braggin rights, but as you didn't I'll claim the #2 spot.

Hi Sage!

So sorry my query prompted a trip down "bad memories lane"

I was doing pretty good with my first bomb anniv. until I read my journalling from that day. ..Kind of brought it all back some. ...I started to read further (I journalled LOTS back then) and just decided that it was making me feel worse, and went outside to work instead.

It's good to know how much we can handle. Now, that said, I think these upcoming "anniversaries" might be a good opportunity for you...sure they suck, but you know what? It really feels good to know that it IS a year later and things are SOOO much better!!

WOW!! Look at how far WE have come, Sage! Not to mention our Ms .

I'm not quite sure, but I know that I started the e-mail sending. It's not something CJ and I ever did with any regularity at all. In fact I'll bet I had maybe 10 e-mails TOTAL from him before this.

I have never actually ASKED CJ how he feels about OW (he offered that all by himself ). I don't have a good answer for why the reassurances NOW... I have mentioned in past conversation that it helps when he says I'm sorry, but he's known that for months.

Now that I think of it, he began to offer more reassurances after he read the bb printouts! Perhaps it reassured HIM to know that I wasn't on here bashing him or plotting my escape!

PERHAPS, Sage the one who can answer this the best is sitting in the livingroom doing homework. Maybe it was nothing I did so much as a place HE has come to?? Maybe I'll just send him an e-mail and ask on your behalf!

Shiny

[shinybear]

Hi Sage,

Thought I'd post the response I got from CJ here:
The reassurances are not planned on my part, I just felt moved by the progress we've made, and how much I am grateful for you not leaving me after what I had done.

The song was playing, and I was looking out the window at our spruce trees, and it made me think of the struggles we have had, but are still standing by each other's side.

I don't have a hard answer for sage, but perhaps she should try sending her hubby an e-mail expressing her own feelings of how things have been going. Afterall, it was one of your e-mails that started the domino effect of our recent e-mail exchanges.

Love ya
CJ


Hey! it's worth a shot, right?

Shiny

[andrea]

Sage:
I am concerned bc i am feeling right now this afraid about future reapeating all the bad moments of the past... maybe bc i was reading my past journal, i felt even worse... but the positive is that i had controlled myself, never change my mood in front of h, and try to think that our past history wont repeat again...
Reading my journal i found out many many differents behavior in my h on this period reconciliation than the last one that not function...
On our last "being together again" period he sustained the acctitude of "doing what i want and what i desire without any consideration for you"... he inisisted going out with buddies until late night, he contacted the OW only for brief talks but he contacted her... he always acted like the king who needs all.... And about me, i was so insecure, so fragile... reading that i found out how much i had learned and growht by myself... and definitely this change on me has made a great impact on him...!!...
So, there is a long journey in front of me... i need to beguin my C therapy again, so soon, but we dont have too much money extra so next week maybe... but i know this will help me a lot, my c is so good...!!...Sometimes i wonder if talking about my fears and feelings will be positive for us, and always i getthe conclussion that no...!!... for example, yesterday i was thinking that maybe my h was with me bc economic issue... bc a split will be negative for him... but then i remember and see how affective and great he is with me... how great we make love.. how much we enjoy together, and i get withput any talk, my own conclussion that a man that isnt confortable with his W, and that is only bc economic issue with her, will never act as my h...
So, you are not alone in this process.... hang in there, and i will appreciate too much the feed back with someone is feeling the same as me...
receive a big hug...
Andrea

[sage]

I don't have a hard answer for sage, but perhaps she should try sending her hubby an e-mail expressing her own feelings of how things have been going. Afterall, it was one of your e-mails that started the domino effect of our recent e-mail exchanges.

Love ya
CJ

Hey Shiny,

thanks for asking CJ.

So...my initial response to you was going to be that I liked his idea but would probably wait a while to email h. since I'm feeling scared/nervous/a bit low as a result of my trip down "crappy" lane -- I think an email would be too full of me seeking reassurance.

But...something strange just happened with h and I ended up sending an email anyway.

Last night as I was going to bed, h said something to me like "dream about my love for you. It'll be the longest dream you'll ever have".

So...this morning when he called me at work I told him that I had slept really well because of what he had told me to dream about. Then (and this just flew out of my mouth) I said "thank you for loving me". I didn't say it all desperate and clingy! I said it kind of like I say "thank you for going food shopping" (ok, with a bit more love!). But, maybe you know what I mean...it wasn't a desperate attempt, it was me just expressing thanks.

anyway, h said "don't thank me for loving you. that sounds weird". He didn't say it jerky or anything...just kind of matter of fact. So I said "that sounds weird to you?" and he said "I was just kidding".

We moved on.

I got off the phone and felt kind of stupid. The conversation was fine...and there really wasn't any intent in my saying that...but well, now we ALL feel weird!

So, I sent h a very brief email:

Bud --

I'm sorry if my thanking you for loving me comment felt strange to you. Heck, now it feels sort of strange to me, too! It just came out of my mouth....I meant no pressure by it...just expressing my gratitude for all you do.

A year ago now our marriage was in a pretty troubled state. I'm grateful for the changes that the year has brought. Perhaps that would have been a better way to say it. :-)

Love,
Sage

Don't fire too hard at me...the deed is done.

What's kind of weird now is that I don't feel as though I need a positive response from him...or reassurance. The email was really about me telling him how I feel.

Sage

[psluke]

Hi Sage,

I think it sounds like you did fine, especially as you have all of your emotions sort of stirred up from your trip down memory lane.

You didn't come across as looking for or needing reassurances. Just a statement of fact.

I like it. I think the clarification in the email was very good so that he was clear on what you really meant.

So no firing from me. But I'm not too great of a judge on the email thing as we both know from this weekend!

But read yours more than once and it still looks fine.

[sage]

Got an email back from h...I'd say this went well!

Sage - mo,


I really was kidding when I said it made me feel strange. I feel the same way,
I feel like thanking YOU for loving ME.


I'm grateful as well. I love you so much!


h.

Sage