Sitch in a nutshell: H & I friends for 22 years Together for 9 (common law) Two boys each (blended family) S#1 24, S#2 21, S#3 19, and S#4 16
H withdrew (mentally, emotionally & physically) about 2 years ago--very depressed and irritable--lot's of the signs of a classic MLC. H begins an EA with co-worker 11/02 EA becomes PA early 1/03 I confront, H says he thinks he wants out of R. We separate, but begin to reconcile.
Individual C and MC and what I have picked up reading DB and reading the stories of other DBers here has been a lot of help.
H & I have agreed on a timeframe (early Sept.) for him to come home, but lots of work ahead.
I'm calling this thread "Can Two Alphas Live Together?"because that was a question H asked of our MC. Her answer was that two RESPECTFUL Alphas can.
I thought it was appropriate because we are at a point now of preparing for H to move back home and go through that whole adjustment.
P.S. I thought about naming this thread PMA & PMS because I've been noticing that my major meltdowns seem to occur on a regular schedule...after having bits of bomb debris blow up in my face. Not a good combo.
but this fear of abandonment/feeling incabale of being loved crap...well, you know the results.... > I think the real core of our problem is that we were both wounded when we were young in ways that made us believe, deep down, that we were somehow so defective that we were incapable of being loved.
Hi Tal-I do think there are many of us here that can relate to this and I think same with my H. I had the stable family environment for the most part--but it was a functioning alcoholic environ. H's family had drugs/alcohol and it was not functioning--parents D when he was 9--he took care of younger siblings when parents weren't capable. I believe he has more self-worth problems, but being in recovery 11 years himself from his own addiction, he's worked on that a great deal--but do you ever get rid of those feelings? I, on the other hand, have not really delved into my past and the "rescuing" I'd do when dad was drunk and I felt mom needed saving--well guess what? I married a man who needed saving--so perhaps my own self-worth is based on the level of need one has of me? Lots to think of!
I really do like your insights!! Wish I could blame PMS for my meltdown last week--but sometimes they don't drop the bombs at the right time!--meltdown would have been worse if it was PMS time! he he he he!
Talitsa: Welcome this new thread... with an excellent name for it...!!... and about the other name you had thought, i am one of those who suffer a lot with PMS, but you know, identifying this had helped me a lot to avoid the depressions, irritability and mood changes on me... see you around andrea
Hi talitsa, Just caught up on your previous thread ... what an interesting and entertaining read.
Quoting talitsa from previous thread: I think the long-haul stuff will not come so easy for us...changing bad habits in our R, learning how to argue constructively, fighting the urge to isolate and shut down when we feel vulnerable, and communicating better.
After reading about your last week culminating with your talk on Sunday, it seems you've found alot of what works towards reach your long term goals. Maintaining the level of communication that you have achieve on Sunday and work towards making it safe for both of you to broaden that level of communitcation to sharing other thoughts about R (not just OW) should avert those urges you mention and past misconceptions.
You've learned to bridge the gap ... now its a matter of crossing it daily.
Last night, H came over, made dinner & we watched 2 of the videos that MC gave us. We usually talk afterwards about what we had gotten out of them or what issues came up for us.
While we have always known that there are many similarities in our personalities and thought processes, we find that to be even more so as we learn and reveal more.
When we were talking about our "alpha" personalities--we are both extremely independent and headstrong. He used an analogy of two companies trying to merge yet keep some identity or a prosecuting attorney and defense attorney trying to hammer out a difficult plea bargain.
We do both spend a lot of time debating and trying to convince. Not so much "I'm right and you are wrong", but "my way is more right than yours".
He said that this led to a lot of power struggles between us, but also seemed to serve to keep interest and excitement in our R.
Some of this being so similar in personalities has also caused problems when it comes to "mindreading" and making assumptions. For instance I may think I'm communicating my point, stating my needs clearly, but H doesn't get it. I try again but may still be talking AROUND the issue not getting to the point. Again, H doesn't get it. I get mad. Why doesn't he care that it's a big deal to me? Why do I have to yell at him to get him to hear me? Why can't he tell what's going on--doesn't he see my body language & expressions? Doesn't he know me better than anyone else??? Am I talking Greek? Why doesn't he listen!!!!
I finally have a fit. He may then "get it" about an important need I have, but then if he does things to meet that need...I wonder if he's just doing it out of feeling obligated or not wanting me to get mad at him.
Yes, I fess up, I DO this to my partner. We do this to each other. Frequently.
So...we talked about clear communication and how important it is to be responsible about asking for what we want and need--to give each other the OPPORTUNITY to respond in the first place.
Another major area of similarities is the whole issue that has come up about his big fears of rejection and abandonment. He said I had been very up front about explaining my fears whenever I got triggered. He had been stuffing down and hiding from his own similar fears.
I knew he could be insecure, but I had no idea what was really going on. I always seemed to be the one getting jealous, asking for reasurrance, trying to explain why my fear of abandonment caused me to react so strongly sometimes.
He on the other hand, did an excellent job of hiding his fears, not only from me but from himself. It used to drive me crazy when he'd come off like "self-contained unit" Stoneman, Vulcan guy who didn't seem to need me in return.
Well now I know better. I know it makes him feel vulnerable to have reavealed that deep-down stuff to someone for the first time ever. I let him know how much I appreciate it and that he never has to worry that I'll think less of him for telling me about his fears and insecurities. I told him that I felt honored that he'd shared that stuff with me and comforted by know that was not the only one who felt more than a little crazy when it came to those fears.
Anyway....great talk. He's so dang smart and sweet...no wonder I fell in love!
I know that for me it WAS something of a shock to learn that CJ was NOT the invulnerable, "rock" I'd always thought him to be. But a real human being with vulnerabilities as well as strengths is much more "real" and I'm sure it's a relief to THEM not to have to play that part any more.
It's not just me finding out, it's him being brave enough to really look inside. Wolfie is admitting to himself for the first time that he really wants and needs someone and that he's terrified of being hurt.
I hope it will be a relief to him. I know it is a relief to me, cuz I sometimes it used to feel like I couldn't affect him on anything but a surface level. I know different now, but these are the tender areas...the places to be very careful with.
...I like your C's answer to that query...it WILL take a lot of respect.