LTR TO H: PLEASE ADVISE!

[Cindy_F]

Here's the letter I'm going to send:

You see yourself as the damaged party. You feel mistreated & you blame me for putting you there. I ask if you see the role you have played in this situation and you say "I don't listen to you. I make you feel 4th in my life. This doesn't feel right."

Rather than taking proactive steps toward making things better you join me in making our life unhappy. You claim to be a passive recepient to my behavior but in reality you are actively involved. You are allowing a bad situation to continue without fixing it. you are withdrawing from dialogue or actions that could make it better.

In spite of your power to change the situation, you still believe I have dealt you a bad hand.

I'm going to accept responsibility for my part in this situation and learn to fix myself by getting professional help and for a time not dating you. I forgive you for all the mean things you've done and said to me over the last year, for making me feel unloved and unwanted. I'm officially starting over and by taking steps to repair and heal myself I plan to see our relationship in a new way.

I ask you to seek help for yourself. Do not see this seeking help as blame but see it as a proactive step to finding ways to communicate and help our marriage/us.

I love you and believe that you have it in you to be a wonderful, loving, giving, sacrificial, communicative father and husband. I would not fight this hard for our marriage if I did not believe that! I've seen you at times be this way...even just recently.

Well what do ya'll think of this letter?

[lostlove]

Well what do ya'll think of this letter?

I think it needs a lot of work but I don't have much time right now. the only thing I can say is stay clear of things like you this or you that even if they are statements that he has made...too many you's just starts to sound demeaning. also try not to use statements like you made or make me feel like ... when you did or do xy or z I feel this way or that is more well received.

LL

[Jamesjohn]

I gotta agree with LL.

As you're working through this some more, maybe try to expand on this part some, and see how you could blend your other thoughts into this type of idea......

I love you and believe that you have it in you to be a wonderful, loving, giving, sacrificial, communicative father and husband. I would not fight this hard for our marriage if I did not believe that! I've seen you at times be this way...even just recently.

[Jamesjohn]

Also, pay close attention to whether or not what you're saying is a "more of the same" stuff that he's already heard a hundred times, or whether it's something new. Or at least in a different format, or from a different point of view.

[Cindy_F]

My H and I always accuse each other of asking what can the relationship give me not what can I do for the relationship.

Yes, I've told him this stuff in the letter before but felt like he didn't understand that he needed to do some positive marriage building stuff for things to get better. He says he feels hopeless about things changing, that he has had his idea of marriage disillusioned by 2 failed ones, his parents have more than 2 marriages so he needs to have a 3rd one in order to be happy....this may be his depression talking but not sure. It could just be his desire is to be free but doesn't know how to tell me because it will hurt me. He's showing me though.

I want the letter to be quite clear that if certain behavior doesn't change I am not going to date him or sleep with him.

I also want him to see that by doing nothing...that is a decision. Should I not even go there? I want to point out behaviors that I feel are hindering us from building something new. I really want him to stop blaming me! How can I say this and still sound encouraging? Maybe no blame would be a 180....just a letter saying I love him, need him to do a,b,c to restore our marriage to a dating level, then close with examples of how he has shown he's capable?

[dfb]

Maybe no blame would be a 180....just a letter saying I love him, need him to do a,b,c to restore our marriage to a dating level, then close with examples of how he has shown he's capable?

Yeah, I think that would be a lot better. The first thing I noticed was all the "You's" and a lot of accusations and stuff. If you have already written all this stuff to him before, then it's time to do something fairly short, positive, and loving.

I've done the note thing before - long notes and especially one containing any sort of blame and such are really big no-no's.

[Jamesjohn]

My H and I always accuse each other of asking what can the relationship give me not what can I do for the relationship.

If this is something that you "always" do, then this might be a good area to do a 180.

He says he feels hopeless about things changing, that he has had his idea of marriage disillusioned by 2 failed ones, his parents have more than 2 marriages so he needs to have a 3rd one in order to be happy....

Sounds like he's not quite sure of what a marriage "should" be, so maybe you can steer him towards thinking about what a marriage "could" be?

Once you get the "could be" figured out in your own mind, it will be much easier to have him "lead, follow, or get out of the way". Also, you never know what his input would be on this until you ask, and see what goals that the two of you have in common.

From that point, no matter what happens, you're helping to set yourself up for a "win/win" situation.

[poepad]

CF

Letters don't do a whole lot, except make you feel good, when they are in the alien mode.

Do you have a list of problems and have you sorted them as to priority.

You need to be SB right now, blame game will not work. Any counseling???

Have you tried going gray, and going out make him become interested in your actions?

How much reading have you done, and what have you read?

Please stick to one thread, very hard to help if you keep moving around, you can change yor title and bump if you need attention.

[Cindy_F]

Yes, the letters and everything else seem hopeless right now. I'm going to counseling.
Yes, I've tried going out...he's not interested or at least says nothing to indicate interest.

I've read DB, DR, Angry Marriage, 10 Stupid Things couples do to mess up their R, How to Make Love all the Time, CoDependent No More, How We can choose to Be Happy...lots of books.

My H seems determined to rid himself of me. Doesn't call unless he wants sex, or the kids. I have to admit though that I've been too available to him...I always go over when he calls, see him when he gets the kids, call him, write him, etc.

Right now I just feel very hopeless and that I need to get rid of him and move on. This endless torture is not doing much for my self image .

[poepad]

Yes, the letters and everything else seem hopeless right now. I'm going to counseling.
Couseliing good, make sure it is SBT. Continue to write letters, just don't send them, good for the soul.

Yes, I've tried going out...he's not interested or at least says nothing to indicate interest.
I mean make him jealous, go out, don't let him know where you are going, don't answer his calls right away, always seem busy when in touch with him.

I've read DB, DR, ...lots of books.
my favorites, Mars/Venus, Love Languages, Love Tank(this one is very good)

My H seems determined to rid himself of me. Doesn't call unless he wants sex,
Does he leave money or do you give sex for free
or the kids. I have to admit though that I've been too available to him... YOU THINK!!!
I always go over when he calls, see him when he gets the kids, call him, write him, etc.
do the words doormat come to mind. You are letting him control the sith, its time you take control.

Right now I just feel very hopeless and that I need to get rid of him and move on. This endless torture is not doing much for my self image .
You are overwhelm now, you need to take some time away. Can you get away from the kids, for a few days, make him take care of them.
If you don't decompress, you are going to start taking it out on your kids. Read up on "wendy351", she has some of the same problems as you, except her H took her kids.