You could still be pinching yourself to confirm that you are finally out of the swamps that so recently surrounded you. Though you may be in the middle of the most exciting projects, in a sense, what you are doing is almost irrelevant, because just being yourself is enough. Finding room to move, to stretch, to breathe and go about your business without stress and enough hassle for three people is a tonic, a delight in itself. And it's real. So, you can indulge your stylish side without compromising the practical and pragmatic as the wistful and whimsical wins through again.
I like it!
Things feel like they have turned a corner. Things feel really, really good. I've got a bunch of things to post...still so many of you to visit, too.
I'll be back!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Anyway, h and I went out to dinner last night. It was an impromptu thing...his brother mentioned a bbq place he had really liked and next thing, we're in the car headed there! It was fun and the food was great.
It had already been a good day...h had called a couple of times (including once to sing me an "ILY" song ), he had done a TON of stuff around the house. During dinner, he talked a lot about his feelings re. law school (first class for him...2 weeks from today!). He also asked me to meet him at a bar near the school after his first Friday class.
Things just feel different for me right now -- in a very good way. It's hard to explain but I just feel so much calmer, so much stronger. I can feel his presence, his relating to me in a way that makes me feel very good.
It's not rose colored glasses, either...(I probably don't have to tell you guys that! You all know I'm the master of "all this good stuff is happening BUT...). there were a couple of times last night when I could feel myself mentally lapsing into old habits (making ASSumptions, feeling impatient, having EXPECTATIONS) but I was able to see it...and work through it.
And, I can HEAR h sharing his thoughts and feelings and love with me. What scares me a bit is how hard I have to listen to hear it ... NOT because he's not saying it clearly but because of the the cobwebs and noise in my brain (the ASSumptions, expecations, rampant thoughts, etc.). I'm working, working, working on brushing those aside.
Some of this may also have to do with the bittersweetness of our vacation....it was hard in some ways...to go back to this favorite place, this wonderful setting...and NOT think about what it was like last year (h was in the throes of his A. tho' I didn't KNOW for certain). Maybe it's enough to know that we created new memories on top of those old crappy ones.
I'm still scared...that I'm going to get hurt...that I'm going to take him for granted again...that my anger will return, his distance, too...that fidelity will be an issue again...but, I don't know, I feel like I have the tools to get through that...to keep us strong and positive and moving forward. It's almost like I feel like I can keep an eye on the small stuff and fix that with DB'ing instead of waiting for the big stuff to become an issue....
Sage (who's not entirely sure she's making any sense).
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
One of the books that I've read in this quest and really learned a lot from is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". I'm REALLY not a huge fan of the sweeping gender generalization but I have to say that this book gave me some tremendous insights into the things that I have done DRAMATICALLY wrong in relating to my h over the years. I recently re-listened to the audio version and wrote down some of the more salient points. I'm posting them here as a reminder to myself. Perhaps they'll have some benefit to others, too. ******************
* Stop giving unsolicited advice to h. Give love instead and you will show trust that he can solve his own issues.
* Don't try to change his behavior.
* h's disinterest in books or c or outside help isn's a lack of caring -- it's a byproduct of feeling as though he can and should solve his own problems.
* Approach HIM as the source of a solution.
* h needs to feel needed to feel motivated. he needs to feel appreciated too otherwise he becomes passive and loses energy to help.
* h needs to know that he can make me happy. (This doesn't mean that h is the source of my happiness...more that he knows that I know that he is ABLE to make me happy)
* h will be motivated by the possibility of making a difference.
* love is a motivator.
* when he feels as though he cannot succeed he becomes withdrawn.
* h wants to be needed.
* h wants to be appreciated, trusted and accepted.
* Setting boundaries and aksing for what I need is difficult because I feel unworthy of support and love. Then, I push him away and he feels untrusted and unaccepted.
* It's not my needs that turn him off it's my desperation and hopelessness -- they tell him that I don't trust him.
* I need to realize that I truly deserve to be loved.
* A "man's" deepest fear -- that he's not good enough or is incompetant
* h may appear most uncaring when he is afraid
* I misinterpret his silence as him wanting him to leave me..
* Never (!!!) follow him into his cave
* Don't make him feel wrong for being in his cave
* Trust him to handle things -- only offer help if he directly asks for it.
* I can directly ask for support without any criticism or judgement.
* A "man" may feel smothered when a "woman" comforts him or tries to solve his problems
* A "man" may feel attacked and blamed when a "woman" is emotional or is talking about her problems. A way to mitigate that is to frequently appreciate the fact that he is listening.
* A "man" may be like a rubberband in terms of intimacy -- he needs to pull away to fully feel the need for love
* Don't insist on continuous intimacy. Let him pull away. He'll be back.
* h needs to feel accepted just the way he is
* It's bad to chase him when he is pulling away. It's also bad to make him feel badly about pulling away.
* When he comes back from having "been" away, don't punish him or reject him physically.
* Being indirect when sharing feelings with h. can seem judgemental and invalidating
* It feels attacking and disapproving.
* Stop asking questions twice!!!!
* You can disagree with his behavior but still approve of who HE IS
* Find loving intention and goodness in his behavior.
* "men" stop giving when they feel taken for granted
* appreciating the little things heals
* A "man" stops givng when he feels as though he's given a lot -- he sits back to receive
* "Men" give when they are asked if they feel as though the scales are balanced
* Be direct in asking for what you need.
* "men" give penalty points when feeling unloved or unaccepted. They primarily want appreciation.
* I need to prioritize loving attitudes and feelings
* Not making a big deal out of his mistakes scores a lot of points.
* My negative feelings make him feel unloved
* Practice asking correctly for what I'm already getting -- use "would" not "can", be direct and concise, non-demanding, correct timing
* Ask for things that you don't think you'll get and then accept the "no" graciously.
* Remain silent after asking for support and give him time to respond.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Could you try to explain what may have helped transition your h from giving you the "feeling" or "acting as if" he was working towards a better R and actually verbally acknowleging that fact or actually being able to read/discuss what would make the R better without H getting tense about it?
I've been reading some of your earlier threads, but I haven't been able to discern what it might have been other than just time and a building of confidence within each of you.
Padawan - Making slow progress, but progress none the less
), he had done a TON of stuff around the house. During dinner, he talked a lot about his feelings re. law school (first class for him...2 weeks from today!). He also asked me to meet him at a bar near the school after his first Friday class. 
...Where did that come from? Better nip that one in the bud,