We talked for about an hour and it was a great talk.
At the end, he gave me another tender, "I love you."
He said he'd been reading DR and at first he had gotten mad. Then he said, he told himself, "Don't get mad, she's just trying everything she can to save our marriage."
Then he told me "I wanted to thank you for believing in us and working so hard this past year."
I gasped a whispered thank you because I had started to cry. He said, "And now I'm crying." I laughed and said, "that's ok, you made me cry too!"
I told him that Michele's books have really helped me improve my life in so many ways. I told him that it's helped me with my boss, my parents, my depression and my diet. He said, "I can see how it would help you with other people."
I said, "I'm not saying that it's easy work, you've seen for yourself that I still struggle with it."
He said, "Yes, in fact, it seems like you gave up on me completely recently and then re-read the book and found your strength again."
I said, "That's exactly what happened!"
He said, "What can I do to help you?"
I said, "Reading the book is a huge help."
He said, "Really? Why?"
I said, "Because I feel like I'm no longer doing this all by myself! I'm very excited because I have no doubt that with both of us working on our relationship, we'll succeed."
I said, "The hard part for me is that since we are separated, when I try different things, I never know if what I'm doing actually worked, or if you are just in a good mood from work that day."
He laughed and said he could see my point.
He told me he had some good news. He said, both he and his roomate interviewed for a permanent job in the store they both started working in. As Manager-In-Training, they get shuttled around to different stores until they are finally given a permanent store. Well, his roomate was chosen to be Manager at their original store. He said he was disapointed that they chose his roomate over him, but that he was happy too, because whoever is manager in that store will have to work 50 hours a week.
I'm happy because it means he's less tied down to his job. I think if he's placed in another store, permanently, where he doesn't know anyone, it'd be easier for him to make the transistion to a new job in my town. Whereas, if he had gotten his old store, he'd never want to leave, since all his friends are there.
So that was GOOD news.
I then said, "Speaking of jobs, my University still hasn't received your paperwork."
He said, "Ok, I lied, er fibbed. I haven't sent them my application."
I wanted to throw my phone across the room, but thoughts of KAW flashed through my head, so I calmly said this instead: "Well, that would explain why they haven't gotten it."
He said, "I intend to, I am ready to move on this even though I don't want to."
I said, "Ok."
He said, "What's wrong? You don't sound happy."
I said, "Well, I just don't know what you mean by that. Is it you don't want to move in with me? Is it you don't want to move to my town? Or is it both?"
He said, "I don't really want to move to your town, but I hate my town. I could be wrong though, I might love your town once I get there. (I think he said he was only nervous about moving in with me, not that he didn't want to...but my memory is hazy on this.)
I said, "I love my town and I think you will too."
Those are the highlights of the conversation, I'm sure I'll remember more as I get calmer and stop being so excited.
I did ask if I'd get to see him this week. He said he wasn't sure, he had to check with his mom as he hasn't visited her in awhile. This is another positive thing he's done since we separated...he used to do his best to avoid anyone in his family and now he talks to people in his family on a regular basis. So, as much as I want to see him, I'm very excited that family has become important to him.
He started complaining about how she's filling up his email box with pictures of his brother who is attending boot camp.
I jumped in and said, "I'm grateful for that because she's including me and that really means a lot to me."
He said, "Well, she asked me about that awhile back. She asked how I wanted her to interact with you. And I told her to do whatever she wanted."
I said, "Well, it means very much to me that she's including me and I'm very grateful."
I was disapointed that he didn't say something like, "I love her and you should treat her with respect!"
But that fact that he didn't and she's still including me is really great news.
He said he was skipping around the book, reading different things that catch his eye.
Michele, if you see my post, I want to thank you so very much. Your writing has spoken to my husband and given him some understanding and compassion.
Oh! That reminds me. He said that the imature part of him says that our relationship should be easy, not full of hard work and sacrifice.
I said, "I understand how you can feel that way. I wish that too...but I know it's going to be hard work with anyone."
He said, "Not that I'm not willing to do the work, I don't want you to think I'm saying that...I just wish it were easy."
I said, "I think you'll find it is easy once you take the first step."
I told him how when I was depressed, I kept waiting to get a job, thinking I'd feel better and THEN get a job. I told him that what ended up happening, was that a mutual friend of ours had said, "I have a job for you, just come apply." And I did and found out that I began feeling better AFTER I began working and doing well. As I felt better, I'd get to work early, do better, and feel even better! That it was a vicious cycle in the right direction! He remembers the change I made, but hadn't realized it occured because I acted first.
He said, "From what you are saying, it's like a scale and whatever step you take, will swing the scale in the direction that you are headed. So, if I decide I like you, then take a step in that direction, I'll find I love you. But if I decide I don't like you and force myself to spend time with you, then I'll hate you."
I said, "Yes! And I find that the hard part is figuring out what works. Once we know what works it'll be really easy to do more of that."
He said, "My head tells me to do this...my heart is afraid of hurting us both."
I said, "I'm not worried...I am positive that with both of us working on it, we'll succeed!"
Whew, I'm exhausted now!
That's all I can remember, but as you can see, it was an intense conversation.
PnT - that is one heck of a positive phone call you had with H last night!
Now that the two of you are apparently on the same page, keep yourself focused and please do not take anything for granted. We're here for you - keep showing us the way.
PnT: Excellent...!!... congreatulations for those all great news for your M...!!... I can tell you is not easy to beguin again living together, but IS THE MOST BEAUTIFULL RESULT you can get from all his crisis...!!... Go ahead.. Andrea
