Recently, our MC said that we all know quite well how to complain and critisize, but that a good rule of thumb in a M is one compliment or statement of praise for every "negative".
Neither my H or I have much of an idea how to do this. It certainly isn't something either of us learned to do from the families we came from!
I know it may sound silly, but I guess I need to go back to "kindergarten" to learn how to give my H compliments.
I would really appreciate any examples of things any of you say to your spouses that are complimentary or to praise behaviour that you would like to see continue.
Michelle has written about this and phrases it as "Catching them doing it right". Generally, it letting them know you had noticed and that you liked it ... as a way to enforce the positives so it becomes a pattern of doing more of them.
I complimented all the time. and thanked all the time. I do think there is too much of a good thing. I still compliment and thank when it is warranted. Probably too much so still.
I have a much easier time showing affection physically than complimenting. I don't seem to know what to actually say and if I do, for some reason, it sounds ackward and corny coming out of my mouth to give anyone compliments even when I really want to.
It isn't hard. Just "you look great today", "you did a great job on that", "thank you so much for dinner, it was wonderful of you to take me". I still do that all the time if ex-b does something nice. Or "I really appreciate you listening to me, it means a lot". Compliments are easy.
Recently, our MC said that we all know quite well how to complain and critisize, but that a good rule of thumb in a M is one compliment or statement of praise for every "negative".
Wow, your MC is VERY lenient!
Everything that I've heard runs more along the line of FIVE positives for every negative!!
It CAN be very tough to do, to get practiced at praising. We seemed to have had more practice at the other way in the past!
Start out with VERY small stuff at first, even if it's just inside of your head. Begin to notice things like the cap being back on the toothpaste, the toilet seat behind down, the clothes making it to the laundry room, etc., etc. Get the ball rolling towards more thoughts about positive behaviours.
When you catch yourself noticing the negative stuff, stop and ask yourself, "Is this behaviour an exception, or a rule?". I don't think that anybody ALWAYS or NEVER does a certain thing. Think of a time when the behaviour was positive, and appreciate that. If the behaviour leans more towards the negative side most of the time, don't let any good stuff go unnoticed by you.
Start inside of your head, practice it a lot there, and I think it'll be easier to put the praises into words, and more importantly, into actions.
What stuff about your partner seems to bother you the most? How can you "reframe" some of these thoughts to see the 180 side of it?
If you think that they're too "flighty", might you be able to look at their "free-spirit"? If you see them as too "rigid", might you be able to admire their "sense of structure and stability"?
Start working with some of these ideas, and see what you can come up with!!
JJ
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Being a teacher praise was ingrained in my training. Like JamesJohn points out notice the little things. Almost go looking for positive things. With my H a simple thanks when he helps with dishes or calls during the day. At times I will add "thanks for ..." so he knows exactly what I appreciate. Even if you say at the end of the day " I appreciated...".
One thing I contiue to work on is noticing H's way of appreciating me. Sometimes it is not so obvious. But I'v learned when he asked if I need help with what ever or if there is anyting I need when he runs an errand is his way of say I appreciate your time and what you do.
It may seem awkward at first ( it did when I first started teaching) but if you look for positives and get in the habit of say "thanks" or "I appreciated that" the words will become second nature. Good Luck Bumbling
