For the first time in a year, I had just unsuspectingly step on a landmine tonight.
The evening was starting out better than previous nights this week. We sat down for dinner after I had come home. She mentioned she had a bad day at work and didn't want to talk about it, so I told her about my day. She became more at ease. I ask about her day again, and she told about her trials and tribulations at work. Havin me listen to her day seem to perk her up more. Then I cleared the dinner table. Grabbed the oil I pick up at the store earlier and did an oil change on the lawn mower and then mowed the lawn.
When I came back in the house, D9 & W were in our bedroom watching TV, with D9 at the foot of the bed and W sitting on her side, so I joined them by sitting on my side. I did lay my hand out so if she wanted to hold my hand it was easily accessible. She did place her hand in mine and we held hands while watching TV. First time in about a week. Nice.
D9 had a mild cold, so we told her to get ready for bed a little early. When D9 was already, she asked my W if she could tuck her in tonight. W replied, "Let Dad do it." D9 came back, "but its your turn. I want you to tuck me in." W says, "No." D9 gets upset and starts pleading. I offer to tuck her in. D9 insist she wants Mom. W again says curtly, "No". D9 stomps off to bed. I say to W, "Why do you want to appear mean to D9."
KAAABOOOOMM !!!
W gives me the silent treatment. I get up and tuck D9 into bed. When I come back into bedroom, W has watery eyes and is curled up. I told her what I said was not intended to hurt her. She replies, "Well you did." I apologized and tried to give her a hug, but she replies to leave her alone. I mention I didn't understand what just took place between her & D9 and just wanted to try to work through it. She says she doesn't want to talk about it. So I finished watching the show. When the president came on the air, I left the room and got my lunch ready for tomorrow. While doing that, she came out of the bedroom to take care of some loose ends and reminded me to call my mother (its her birthday) now that she should be home from my father taking her out for dinner. When she walked by I attempted another apologetic hug, but she back away and said, "I don't want to be hugged." So I pleasantly said OK and went back to finishing my lunch. She went to bed. I call my mother and spoke to Dad too for about a half hour. By then W was curled up in bed and asleep. I ponder how what I said had her hurt such and can not conceive why she doesn't grasp how her rejection to D9's request, to tuck her in, hurts D9 in the same way. I seem to have struck a raw nerve here with W. Could this be some what she is trying to deal with in C? If so, why won't she talk to me about it? If it involves D9, shouldn't I be included? How do I approach it so she is willing to talk to me about it? What other landmine are out there that I could unexpectedly step on?
I think you should leave this one alone for a bit. Let things cool off for a bit. If you keep bringing it up over and over it just brings back the pain. When she is ready to open up about it let her do it on her own. That way she cant be mad at you for trying to pry it out of her. Once she feels comfortable I think she will talk to you about it. My 2 cents anyway.
But wait -- grislen has a good idea -- let the mood pass.
Your W is probably teething.
She (like my H) struggles a lot with herself, and her better self goes diving sometimes. Let her take the bathosphere to the depths for a cruise while you sail the boat around the harbor.
When she's combed the depths she'll come up for air.
I just re-read your wonderful early post (linked for someone else) detailing how your DB-ing turned things around. You have found a key -- it's called "respond with love" -- so use it again.
(That's also a chapter in the sweet little book I just picked up "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Love" -- this book is like having KAW in my pocket.)
I know you have some buried treasure in your basement, because you can always come up with handfuls of gold -- in the form of patience.
Down the stairs to the treasure box again. Up with a handful of the loot.
See, I've figured out why you're so rich and generous!
Lemonade later. Sounds like lemons today.
Hopefully the sourpuss will surface refreshed in the morning. Wait and see.
I heard somewhere that sometimes if you throw money at a problem it helps. In this case, gold dubloons?
Sorry if I sound silly with all these similes. Trying to make you smile.
KAW...sounded like your w was in a nasty mood..but I can understand your frustrations, a 9 year old doesn't want to be rejected..especially to be tucked in..how childish of your w..sorry...I can take rejection from my h, but if he were to turn down our kids for something so simple and meaningful..I would be mad.Sorry again..Let it go and see what happens..DOes w ususally talk about things later? If you think in a few days when she is in a better mood you could mention it, give it a shot.If not, then maybe talk with your daughter and let her know it was not her that caused her mom not to want to tuck her in. Good luck
KAW - so sorry to read about what happened last night with W.
I can relate to the way D is acting since my D (age 8) tends to get somewhat moody when she doesn't get her way. Perhaps the best thing to do is to let W know sometime this weekend that you're sorry that you hit a raw nerve and that you're there if she feels like she wants to talk about it. Don't act as a mediator between D and W - let them work things out for themselves. Listen, validate what is being said but don't offer solutions unless they ask - and even then be careful. Be your W's best friend.
Hmmm...you know, KAW, maybe there is something a bit deeper here. I'll speak from my own experience. You see, when my W was in WAW-mode, she was somewhat negligent with the children...emotionally that is. As a result, she feels guilty about it, but is doing what she can to improve those Rs. She still struggles with the responsibility of having children and being a mom. She'll snap at the kids (not so much these days) and feel badly about it afterwards.
Perhaps it is somewhat similar with your W??? I do have to say that her R with your D is something your W has to contend with--whether it's guilt from the past, or difficulties with the present. It's unfortunate that she is not talking to you about it. Is she going through another bout of depression?
Can "sleeping on it" be consider a DBing technique?
W seems to think so... The alarm went off this morning. I opened my eyes to see W's back turn towards me. I took a chance and snuggled up behind her. She didn't react in any way. So we laid like that for a few minutes before she turned the radio off and turn around to give me a kiss. Then she invited me to take a shower with her. So the whole time as we got ready to start the day, she remained quiet and kinda of somber, but she was not longer trying to keep her distance. So backing off stop her from running, but I was confident that it would and wasn't really concerned over that.
So it seems like the crisis as far as W is concerned is over. However, nothing is resolved. It is becoming a pattern of my W rejecting D9's affections some of the time. Its just before I never said anything, but the pattern needs to be broken before she starts to drive D9 away and some permanent harm occurs.
Most of you may not remember, but in my first thread I breifly mention our D17 that had moved out from under our roof Jan, 2002 during our darkest time. Both W & I handled miserable our R with D17 (who was 16 at the time). I certainly do want to start down that road again with D9.
BTW, story with D17 is now on a happier chapter as well, but she will never return home and that has had a very heavy impact on W.
What worries me the most about all of this is ... this is just another instance of a major stumbling block in our R. W's inability to talk about her feeling and thoughts about her role in this family. Despite trying new approaches thru DBing I have had very little success of making any headway on bring closer together on this front and its a major wall between us. I guess this is out of my hands for now until she works thru some of this with C. That appears to be my only hope towards tearing down this wall.
grislen, thanks for dropping by. It always been one of my ultimate goals though out our M is for W to open up some day and its the one that has eluded me the most.
Bridget, I'm so glad you stopped by on your shiny bicycle. Reading your posts always uplifts me. What's that you have in your basket strapped to the handlebars? It seems you are carrying a few gold coins yourself.
Sue, yeah, I would get mad too in prior years and that never work to show W my anger. That's been a long death spiral. Smoothed things out with D9 last night so she calmed down and settle in pretty quick. With her little red nose and sniffles, she was just seeking some comfort to help her feel better and W always use to be the Mom that would make anything better.
Bob, I hear you about staying out of the middle between W & D9, but something needs to be done to break the pattern. Looks like I still need to search for what will work.
Jethro ole pal, Ohh yea, it definitely goes much deeper. My biggest fear is that it is the great abyss and my W is tip-toeing along the edge! I'm standing on sturdy ground trying to throw her a rope, but she doesn't reach for it.
Thanks all for showing of support, its gratefully received.
You really do have to love this BB. Without it I don't know where I would find the strength...
Quoting KAW: Could this be some what she is trying to deal with in C? If so, why won't she talk to me about it? If it involves D9, shouldn't I be included? How do I approach it so she is willing to talk to me about it?
It doesn’t matter if it involves D9, KAW. What goes on in your W’s C is between her and her C. It’s up to your W if she wants to share any of it with you.
I know you want to help your W, KAW. But there are times when she has to figure things out for herself. If she has emotional issues that she’s working through with her C, she may want to deal with them before sharing them with you.
Perhaps she’s in the middle of working through something that she doesn’t want to become part of the wall that’s come between you and her. She wants to make it disappear. If she reveals it to you, it’ll be there forever.
It’s rare that a single issue doesn’t affect multiple aspects of one’s life. She’s trying to stop the spread. Let her do it, KAW.
You’re still scared that her C will muck things up. Let it go.
KAW...I might have read about your D17, ...did your w have a bad time with her mom? We can do and say alot to our spouses, but to push a daughter away could be so harmful to all involved...I know I have no real advice, I have a terrific relationship with my kids, s23 and d20, we butt heads, of course, but I feel such sadness when I hear of m and d who don't get along... If you feel like the same thing is happening to your younger d, then you owe to both your d to step in and make w see the harm it can do. Sorry..I have rambled on..it is always easier to write what I think you should do..you have the wisdom and strength to do what you know is right. It makes me feel good to maybe give you some kind of encouragement though!!!
So the whole time as we got ready to start the day, she remained quiet and kinda of somber, but she was not longer trying to keep her distance. So backing off stop her from running, but I was confident that it would and wasn't really concerned over that.
I'm standing on sturdy ground trying to throw her a rope, but she doesn't reach for it.