*************** Quick recap -- Both 36, no kids, married 7 years, known each other for 17. I suspected A. starting in 6/02 after sensing something going on for H. and his co-worker (she's also part of our social circle). H denied calmly. My feeling didn't go away so I asked sporadically over the next few months. H finally lost his cool at end of 08/02, told me that my evilness and paranoia would lead me to try to "ruin" then-suspected-ow and her H (he also works at same company as H) and that he HAD to quit his job to protect her from me. Told me that he wanted a D., no longer loved me, never did, it "never felt right", etc.
H. quit the next day and has been out of work since. He didn't leave and we made some tentative steps forward. I started C. with our former MC to deal with my "trust issues".
Returned from a C. session on 11/1/02, went to check my email and up popped H's account. Found a folder of emails from ow that confirmed long time EA (at least) and some physical contact (still have no idea to the extent). Confronted H., he admitted having an "inappropriate R. with ow", denied PA.
I freaked, cried, begged, dragged H to our MC. H said that he didn't want to leave me for ow but that he wasn't sure he wanted to be M AT ALL. MC told us to go to IC, that he couldn't help us if we didn't both have the same goal (whether goal was to continue M or dissolve it).
Found DB/DR in 12/02 and have been DB'ing since. Identified 180s pretty easily and learned quickly to shut up, listen and stop trying to control everything. H. has been very reponsive to efforts and has become very loving and attentive.
The biggest thing I run into now is not knowing whether H and ow are still in contact. H's actions are very positive and loving but he has struggled with the words of reassurance. I've been having a very hard time dealing with that but have also recognized (through DB'ing and IC) that I DO have trust and intimacy issues, that I HAVE been keeping H at arms length for the course of our M, that I HAVE been waiting ALL ALONG for H. to cheat and then leave me 'cause I'd convinced myself that I DESERVED to be hurt then left.
Have made the leap to Piecing after recognizing that the things that I CAN control are my own actions -- my desire to love and appreciate my H and M, my desire to learn how to satisfy H's needs, my desire to stop treating myself as damaged goods. What I CANNOT control is H. And I CANNOT control whether or not I will be lied to and hurt. I cannot live my life any longer expecting the worst to happen. I must chose to live it with an open heart.
Any guesses on the thread title?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Just caught up on everything going on in Newcomers. I've been sick this week and not up to being on the computer.
CONGRATULATIONS on feeling strong enough to move to piecing. I hope to join you here one day soon. Maybe even by summer!
Keep working on those things you can control. It will help you feel more in control of your sitch. Hopefully over time H will feel less defensive when talking about the A.
Anyway, enjoy your new home and i'll be sure to visit!
Erin
"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."
-George Bernard Shaw
Just went back and read the last few posts on your old thread. I actually copied your "rant" into my bb word file (posts I want to reflect on, that touch me etc).
Oh my God, Sage...I could have written that!
So of course, I copied your post about what you CAN and CANNOT control too, because woman, you are wise!
Um, does your title have anything to do with dinner last night? Or maybe a reference to your resistance to the "good stuff" your H has been giving you of late???
I just wanted to say how much your "rant" on your previous thread did for me. You articulated so much of what I and others feel in abundance. All though I find DBing essential to our success in finding a pulse in our teetering marriages, I also believe that for our own health, we need to be able to give unbrideled voice to the fear and pain we carry within us.
Also, you addressed something that I am grappling with now. 1. That it's all a sham and he is lying to me 2. That he will change his mind and no longer love me
I have to add to that list that I wonder if my H is just fattening me up for the kill - that is before he drops the biggest bomb yet. I sometimes wonder if he and OW have devised some sort of plan in order for him to make his departure look more acceptable. And on and on and on....
But I like that you have seperated the "I can control" from the "I can't control".
I will keep this in mind when my fear starts mangeling what appears to be postive steps coming from my H.
Looks real good for you.....
If you get a chance, please revisit my thread where I have updated the latest on my situation. In Grave Despair The post starts with "Please pardon my openess about sex".
I don't know if I'm nearing the point of moving over here to "piecing" or if I should just sit tight where I am.
So..onto explaining the thread title -- the real quote is from the DeerHunter "When a man says no to champagne he says no to life". The applicability to my life is manyfold -- but in particular, H and I drink champagne quite a bit and one of us always says the line. Our sharing of champagne always feels to me to be a celebration of our life....
SB and Jeannine -- I'm delighted to hear that my rant was meaningful to you guys! Do you want me to do that more often? Fact is, I hold a lot of stuff in until it becomes too much in my head and it has to come out -- unfortunately, I do that in "real life", too -- gotta work on that.
I'm going to continue my practice of journalling the goods and bads of the day before...I do find that that helps me keep my goals in mind.
What went well: 1. H. met me before I went to class and we had dinner together. It's not the most convenient jaunt for him so it's doubly special
2. Before we fell asleep, H said "I really love you" in an emotional way
3. I got a 98 on my midterm! (Ok, that has nothing to do with DB'ing but...)
What didn't go well --
Lots of opportunity for identifying some 180s here....when H came to meet me for dinner, he seemed "off" just a bit -- distracted? sad? preoccupied? Or, was it just me being oversensitized? Some of you know that class nights are very hard for me -- H and ow used to see each other while I was blithely pursuing my degree now it's often hard for me to not feel anxious on those nights still.
So...I asked him if he was allright and he said yes but he was still less warm than recently. I started spinning stuff in my head -- that ow was MAD because he wasn't going out with her, that H was sad that he wasn't going out with her, that he was stuck with me, etc. So, what ends up happening? Well, of course, I start feeling wary and distant and "off" myself. So, dinner felt slightly tense to me then I went off to class. Got home around 9:30 and it just didn't go in a comfortable way -- first H said that he was going to go to be early but then he decided to stay up. I was afraid that I was going to seem bitchy so I just read in the same room with him but then I worried that I was ignoring him. He asked if he had done something to irk me and I answered brightly "no" but then said something like "sometimes I just don't really know what to say to you" (huh?) and he said something like "just say 'hey, how are you handsome?'".
So...like I said, plenty of opps for 180s. I had set a goal before of managing through a period of "ow anxiety" w/o confronting H -- and did ok with that. but, I think I need to expand it to include figuring out different ways of dealing when I'm sensing (rightly? wrongly?) that H is distant -- normally, I ask, then worry, then conjure up stories, then worry, then get mad, then get sad.
What should I be doing instead? I think the biggest 180 would be to not withdraw -- to maintain a positive attitude, to not dwell in thought patterns. To be supportive of H's normal changing moods by accepting him just as he is.
I need to think about this more concretely!
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Gosh Sage, you just keep mirroring my inner thoughts and feelings so well. Yes, keep the ranting going whenever you feel the need. I know that I get some sort of relief in reading my thoughts and feelings coming out of someone elses head. Makes me feel less alone I suppose.
and one of us always says the line. Our sharing of champagne always feels to me to be a celebration of our life....
now it's often hard for me to not feel anxious on those nights still.