Hi all, Well it been awhile since I've written anything significant about my sitch, which actually has been puttering along pretty good all along. Actually, what delayed the start of a new thread for a while was coming up with the title. Posting to Jethro's thread today, I heard LL's "wanting to go home..." theme and inspired the title.
However, there are just those couple of things that just won't go away and continue in some form of nuisance, like a hair seen dangling from the corner of your eye.
As I wrote in my previous thread, Get out of jail FREE! , I felt I was able to stuff all my demons back in a closet, but there been some stirrings going on and I can't quite put my finger on them.
First a little background ... one year ago I was under the impression that my wife's state of mind is that we were working on rebuilding M after first bomb that she wanted a seperation in Nov. 01, but decided a month later to decided to recommit. (She picked out new wedding bands which I bought for Christmas.) So next week will be one year from her first attempt at a physical seperation when she stayed at a motel for a week.
On top of that of thinking about the above, this time of year always seems to bring on her worst symptoms of depression and she still has been having trouble with obtaining a steady supply of her medication. I've learned that intervene on her behalf only makes it worse, so I have backed off, but i wonder if its the right thing to do as she seems to be on the verge of a real bout of depression?? Then there's dealing with the increasing withdrawing and distancing.
Two weeks ago, my wife received a phone call from her best friend, in which the conversation on her end seem to take on a strange air about it with her friend seem to press her for an answer to somehting. A little while later, I asked her nonchalantly asked what her friend wanted and she reply "It's a secret, what I can't have those anymore?" I haven't heard that tone in over six months! and I was caught offguard by the question, so I dropped it, but its been nawing at me since.
Then last week, we were invited for an evening with this very friend and her spouse for the first time. We had a nice time, but my W and friend kept whispering in each other's ears like two little schoolgirls while I had offered to "fix" their computer. That just made this "secret" issue pop into my head again. What kind of secret does she need to keep from me? Last year, it was that she needed to move out. Is her depression affecting her present state of mind? As the visit continued, my W started to get more and more anxious to the point that she decided to cut the visit short and go home.
As this week goes on my W's spirits seem to be rising again and she is a little more attentive, but as LL says, "WTF?" ... is going on?
Ahh...KAW...sorry to hear about this mysteriousness. I have to wonder, aren't you on good enough terms with your W now to simply ask her about this stuff? I mean, let's face it, you've shoved a lot of junk into the past and have been a rather BIG person about her wanderings. I would think that she'd be somewhat open to discuss any concerns you might have about your R? IMHO, you have absolutely every right to inquire about these types of things, especially since you guys have been on a positive path for some time. What do you think would be her reaction (other than the "secrets" comment)?
I must say I get a real kick out of everybody quoting my fabulous phrases!
KAW, I don't know anymore than you know WTF is going on with w. could be her typical seasonal down mode, could be anniversary of the bomb bringing her down (I'd tend to think it's not just us that get effected by the timeline)
if her spirits are rising and she's becoming a bit more attentive again then why not just roll with it?
the "secret" could be anything....really anything...need not be something bad could be something good. Hate to say it but even the most mature women can act like school girls when they are with a very close friend.
re w's depression and your interventions... are there ways that you could intervein that may not be met with advisary?? I don't know maybe a gift cert for a massage or something, some bright cheery flowers? just a thought.
Well I tried to squeeze that post into a break, so I apoligize for the quality of the grammar and I didn't quite get to all I wanted to say.
Jethro, since my W was diagnosed with depression eight years ago, she feels no one (even the therapists she has seen) will ever understand her feelings/thoughts, so she won't talk about them. All approaches I've attempted so far haven't worked. Every now and again, she will blurt out a phrase such as "Life sucks! or "I'm feel blue/bitchy."), then drops it ... any inquiry by me is met with silence. If I presist, she becomes iritated. Same goes for R talks most of the time. I had a narrow window shortly after her coming back in June in which she opened up, but now feels we are to move on now. I have yet to find what works here.
LL, I would tend to agree about the timeline can affect them to, but she seem to have so effectively blocked out any reference to the first half of 2002, that I would believe she has selective amnesia.
Quote: maybe a gift cert for a massage or something, some bright cheery flowers?
I do give her flowers fairly regularly, but I like the idea of the GC for massage. Hmmm...
I have to say that I really feel for you when it comes to dealing with your W's depression. I'm in the same sitch most of the time, and the most effective ways of how to handle it is a constantly moving target for me.
For each individual "episode", there seems to be a different set, and different varieties of ways, for "US" to work our way through it. (Emphasis on US, because the fall-out to the depressed person's partner can be devastating, as you well know).
Of all the things that I have to do, the "get a life", and "act as if" techniques are the most valuable. These things help me to not get too wrapped up into my wife's gloom as she's working through her despair, and helps to give her a solid foundation to lean upon.
Walking on eggshells just seem to help feed her "little dark man", and make her feelings of worthlessness grow even stronger. Even though I do put in some extra effort on being a care-taker, I try not to take over the whole load.
"Going dark" seems to push her further into the abyss, also. She admitted to me when we got back together, that all the times she insisted that I just leave her alone, to not come home and stay out and have fun, she told me the wrong thing to do.
There has also been times when I've had to give her a "short, sharp, shock", and let her know that I can't spend the rest of my life like this, and something needs to be done about it. Setting the boundaries on the quality of our life together.
KAW, if YOU had some answers for ME, I'd just LOVE to hear them! I'm still searching for the answers myself. I, personally, don't believe in medication being the sole answer. In my situation, I've seen some BETTER results with the meds, but it still doesn't help to take care of the underlying problems.
P.S. I'm not quite sure if I was helping you here, just venting, or maybe just letting you know that you're not alone!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Well I'm home now and my W's asleep when I got here, so I guess I have the time for a more detailed response.
So Jethro, some more detail to your inquiry about whether I can ask her. There have been a few times recently were I tried to encourage her to open up by asking how things are going with us or what's she thinking about?, but it doesn't get very far and she ends it by trying to assure me "It has nothing to do with you." However I don't take much comfort in that because a year ago, she wanted to seperate and pursue a R with OM and she told me THAT had nothing to do with me either." I still haven't quite figured that one out and doubt she will ever explain it to me.
LL,
It wasn't so much that she had a secret that upset me as it was her question, "Can't I have any of those?" (Talk about a loaded question?!)
While I don't expect to tell me everything she's doing, let's examine some the secrets she did have last year...and some of this ties into above as well:
Why she was unhappy with the marriage...
Why she was unhappy with her life...
... that she felt lonely ...
... that she felt that I was depressed ...
... that she developed an EA with someone at work ...
(she didn't keep PA a secret because she felt that would be the sure-fire way for me to grant her the D she wanted then.)
So back to her question ... "Secrets, can't I have of any of those?" Well, if they are the kind like above, the answer is NO! ... as they are detrimental to our M.
Well I better stop, I haven't gotten this worked up in a loooooonnnng time and I hear some stirring going on. Don't want to confront her feeling like this.
'til later,
KAW
P.S. I'm goiing to have to check out the marriagebuilders.com site Zebra has mentioned.
Kaw,I love the title...sorry that you have these feelings cropping up again...I am not going to go into any preaching mode, as I do not know what to say that is going to help you at this time, except that you have been strong through all that has occured this past year, depression can be a nasty infection in anyones life and also a marriage..my sister is on medication for it, and I really don't know all the details except she has made comments that no one can inderstand your feelings..of panic, sadness, despair, ..so I hope and pray that your w can get the help she needs to handle this and that you can find some peace too, knowing that you have been patient and understanding and there for her. Take care Sue
Quote: she ends it by trying to assure me "It has nothing to do with you." However I don't take much comfort in that because a year ago, she wanted to seperate and pursue a R with OM and she told me THAT had nothing to do with me either."
Oh my goodness, KAW, boy does this one ring true for me. I had the exact same experience too.
Honestly, KAW, is your R not yet in a place where you can just say these things to her? Like what you wrote to LL in your last post? I mean, I know she might try and not "go there" because it's painful for her too, but c'mon, you have a right to know her thoughts given your past, don't you? Why can't you "insist" a bit more? Have you two ever gotten to the point where you can discuss WHY the M went where it did? Did you ever discuss the negative, repetitive patterns that led to your situation?
I don't know, my friend. It just seems like after this much time you ought to be able to be a bit more forthcoming, and she ought to understand the reasons you are asking questions. I know I already asked some of these questions, but I wasn't entirely satisfied with your answers...
I haven't heard that tone in over six months! and I was caught offguard by the question, so I dropped it, but its been nawing at me since.
However I don't take much comfort in that because a year ago, she wanted to seperate and pursue a R with OM and she told me THAT had nothing to do with me either." 